124 result(s) for Funny Quotes About Divorce.
"Divorce is just another word for the end of a marriage, and another word for the beginning of a new one—like a reset button."
"I think a lot of people in marriages are just taking a really long time to get divorced. It’s like a slow descent into hell."
"Divorce: The future is so bright, you gotta wear shades."
"My wife and I had a very happy marriage. We knew we were right for each other when we realized we didn’t want to change each other, we wanted to change partners."
"The nicest thing about divorce is that it can bring families together more than marriage ever could."
"I don’t think the marriage is the issue; it’s how quickly we reach the divorce part!"
"Divorce is like a game of poker. You start with a pair and bluff your way through."
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"I thought my marriage was a love song, turns out it was just a major key with a minor ending."
"When my wife left me, I thought, ‘Oh, I’ll never get to make another sandwich’ – that spicy mayonnaise recipe she had is now lost forever."
"Some of us have a happy marriage, others combat training!"
"The only difference between a divorce and a marriage is who walks away with the remote control."
"Why do they call it a ‘divorce’? Because ‘unhappy and usually broke’ had too many letters!"
"A broken heart is a good sign you’ve been living and loving—so don’t let that divorce ruin your dating life!"
"My ex-wife was so frugal, she used to give me a coupon when I wanted to buy her a ring!"
"Forget your ex – let’s just make sure our next relationship starts with better paperwork."
"Losing a spouse to divorce is like losing a pair of old shoes—certainly uncomfortable, but we eventually find something that fits better!"
"The best part about a divorce is that you can finally shut the door on that horrible tasting marital pasta!"
"Divorce? I’d rather have a root canal. At least those are temporary!"
"It’s not that I don't love my ex. I just love the freedom of my new Netflix profile more!"
"Divorce: the gift that keeps on giving... to my attorney!"
"What’s a divorce? Just an extreme makeover for your social life!"
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"In order to be successful in divorce, you must first learn how to stock your fridge with ice cream!"
"A divorce lawyer’s favorite song? ‘Breaking Up is Hard to Do’"
"Divorce is the legal termination of a marriage. It’s also a vibrant community of folks who’ve committed to finding their best self post-splitting."
"The best thing about divorce is that you get to turn the page in the story of your life."
"Divorce: the future’s way of telling you to stop being someone else’s problem."
"I never thought I'd get divorced. I thought I'd be married forever, but forever lasted more than one night."
"Marriage is give and take. Divorce is take and take."
"Divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there’s less of you."
"The only time I might cry during a divorce is when I have to start paying alimony."
"Divorce is the only solution I have found to a broken marriage."
"You can’t really know a person until they’re divorced."
"Divorce: it's a chance to rediscover how to be single again."
"Divorce is for adults, children should not be part of the divorce process at all."
"I don’t believe in divorce. I believe in a good breakup."
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"You don’t always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens. Like a divorce."
"Divorce is a sign of maturity; it means that one is ready to move on to greener pastures."
"A divorce can be a good thing, depending on how you approach it."
"I think the only reason to get a divorce is to get away from someone who you can’t get away from."
"Divorce is like an old-fashioned dress; it’s not in style anymore."
"Getting divorced is like one long whine; it’s never-ending and gets louder if you don’t address it."
"My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t."
"Before you get married, you should take a year off — and divorce."
"I’d say I’m 60% through my divorce, so about 40% to go."
"One of the best parts of divorce is that you get to be in charge of your own happiness."
"Divorce has a way of making a person look at the past and laugh."
"I think of all the ways I was unhappy in my marriage, and I realize it was just a bad date with a long contract."
"The most important part of divorce is learning how to be single again."
"I never thought I'd be a therapist, but divorce has made me an expert in relationships."
"Divorce: The only human institution that reduces the number of people a husband has to explain his whereabouts to."
"My wife and I were happy for 20 years—then we met."
"The only thing I gained from my divorce was a lot of weight..."
"Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary by-pass."
"Sometimes, I think I can see myself in her, and then I remember she’s my ex-wife."
"Divorce is like a black hole; it sucks everything in—your feelings, your time, your money—and somehow your sanity escapes."
"Divorce: the future just got brighter!"
"There’s no better way to get divorced than to marry someone who's never been married before."
"I wish I had a dollar for every time I had to turn down a marriage proposal. But I'm afraid I'd have to give it to my ex-wife."
"You know why divorces are so expensive? They’re worth it."
"You can’t put a band-aid on a divorce; it’s a full-blown amputation."
"I've been divorced for a year, and I still have nightmares about my ex-wife singing karaoke."
"It’s better to have loved and lost than to live with a psycho for the rest of your life."
"Divorce is like an onion; it makes you cry, and then you can't stop smelling it for weeks."
"Why do they call it a divorce? Because 'unhappily ever after' is too long!"
"I had a dream that my wife left me, and I was so relieved when I woke up."
"I thought my wife was a gold digger, but then she insisted on a divorce; I guess I’m just poor."
"Divorcing my wife was easy; convincing myself it wasn't a nightmare was the hard part."
"A divorce can only be happy if you don't have kids!"
"Marriage is a workshop. Where the husband works, and the wife shops."
"Life after divorce is the 'happily ever after' you never knew you were missing."
"I just got a divorce, so I finally sent out that Christmas card with my new address—'My ex is now my landlord.'"
"Divorce: the end of a chapter and the beginning of a guidebook on how to live single again."
"The best advice I can give after a divorce is to remember that every new ending is just another beginning."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"Marriage is a great institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Divorce: The past is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there."
"I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her."
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
"I think we’ll be friends. I can’t wait for my divorce lawyer to see what columns I’ve put into the house."
"Divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there's less of you."
"The divorce rate is so high because it’s not just the husband and wife anymore; it’s the husband and wife and the Kardashians."
"They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so are thunder and lightning."
"A divorce is like a new haircut. It feels refreshing and almost liberating."
"If you think your wife is a pain in the neck, try having a few more kids."
"I had a dream that I was a lawyer. I switched to a divorce lawyer; makes more money."
"Divorce is the price you pay for marrying a narcissist."
"When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and the right side."
"If I could turn back the clock, I'd find you sooner and love you longer. But, we’d probably still get divorced."
"I didn't leave my wife. I was fired from my marriage."
"The only thing worse than a divorce is a divorce that goes to trial."
"An amicable divorce is like a unicorn: it doesn’t exist."
"Divorce is a game played by lawyers."
"The best way to get over a man is to get under another one."
"Divorce: the only thing I’m still not certain about is whether it takes one or two lawyers."
"If you want to know what a good marriage is, just look at a divorce."
"I think I can safely say that nobody understands quantum mechanics. I’ve been married to a physicist for 10 years, and I still don’t understand it. Now, that’s a divorce that can be explained."
"Divorce is like having your tonsils removed. You don’t want to do it, but once it’s done, you feel much better."
"When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a divorce."
"Divorce: The future tense of marriage."
"My wife and I are happy together for twenty years. Then we met."
"Marriage is a fine institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"I told my wife I was going to divorce her. She said, 'Oh, that’s nice. I’ve always wanted a divorce with a sea view!'"
"I think the husband should keep the kids. In today's world, he's going to be the one with the job."
"Divorce is the one human tragedy that reduces everything to cash."
"I’ve been divorced so many times, I should be a wedding planner."
"Don't worry about your marriage. You will find a wife much better than the one you have now."
"The only thing worse than a bad divorce is a bad marriage."
"Divorce is just marriage’s way of playing hard to get."
"I'm not a divorce lawyer, but my advice is simple: don’t.”"
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I have found the one whom my soul loves. And I left him."
"Let's face it, marriage is just another word for legalized slavery."
"The difference between a divorce and a funeral is that you can take the lid off the coffin."
"I asked my wife if I was the only one she ever slept with. She said, 'Yes, the only one. The rest were all eight - The whole football team!'"
"As divorce becomes commonplace, we will no longer look at it with sadness, but rather with a sense of curiosity."
"Divorce is a sign of failure. But so is not getting married in the first place."
"A divorce is like a book being thrown out without being read."
"Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand."
"Divorce can be a blessing. After all, you can always find someone who's a better fit than your last pair of shoes – just not like your last payment!"
"We can’t look back, but at least we can laugh about it. And that’s the silver lining of every divorce!"
"Housework can’t kill you, but why take the chance?"
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