106 result(s) for Witty Sarcastic Quotes.
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity."
"I don’t have a carbon footprint, I just drive everywhere."
"You’re never too old to learn something stupid."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"If I wanted to hear from an ass, I would’ve watched 'The View'."
"I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
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"I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food."
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I'm not short, I'm concentrated awesome."
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."
"There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away."
"I have zero tolerance for incompetence, except when I’m working with it."
"I can’t wait to go to the gym – said no one ever."
"If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments."
"The only thing I throwback on Thursdays is a cocktail!"
"I am not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode."
"My sarcasm is like an art form, but I'm still waiting for the gallery opening."
"I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
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"I would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."
"I’m not insulting you; I’m describing you."
"I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell you later."
"I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?"
"I don’t need your attitude; I have my own."
"I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a paycheck."
"Just because I have a witty retort doesn’t mean you should stop talking."
"I don’t have a bucket list, but my fucket list is a mile long."
"I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore, and forget at the same time."
"I'd like to see you try to get through life without making a single mistake. Should be interesting!"
"I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing."
"I’m not shy, I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you."
"If I wanted to hear a joke, I’d find someone who’s actually funny."
"Whatever you do, don't be yourself. Be someone a little more fun!"
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"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I'm multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time."
"I used to care, but now I take a pill for that."
"I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you."
"If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I’d fart."
"I'm not always sarcastic; sometimes I'm sleeping."
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
"Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle."
"Just because you're offended doesn’t mean you’re right."
"I’ve got to start lying to you to keep you on your toes."
"You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room."
"If I had a nickel for every smart thing you say, I’d be broke."
"Oh, I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?"
"I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."
"You’re like a software update. Whenever I see you, I think, ‘Not now.’"
"I’d explain it to you, but I left my English-to-Dingbat dictionary at home."
"I’m not lazy. I’m on energy-saving mode."
"Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you’ll find a brain back there."
"I wish I had a lower voice. It would help with my sarcasm."
"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but the highest form of intelligence."
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you."
"I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you."
"My life feels like a test I didn't study for."
"Nothing is impossible, except for hitting a target that doesn’t exist."
"I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
"If I had a dollar for every time I had a dollar, I’d be rich."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I have a lot of ideas, but I have to assume they’re all terrible until they’re proven otherwise."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I'm not sure how to put this in a way that won't make you feel like an idiot."
"You are unique, just like everyone else."
"I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today."
"You’ve got no idea how much I can tolerate."
"To be so nonchalant about this... or put another way, you know it’s a good day when I can ignore your stupidity."
"I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"If you think I'm sarcastic, wait until you meet my friends."
"I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?"
"I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone."
"I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."
"I don’t need your attitude, I’ve got my own."
"You’re proof that even evolution makes mistakes."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"The only thing I have to offer is my attitude. I can’t wait to see how that works out for me."
"I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I would have farted."
"I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"You're proof that even evolution makes mistakes."
"I'd explain it to you, but I left my English-to-Dingbat dictionary at home."
"It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer."
"The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list."
"It’s called the circle of life, but that doesn’t mean I have to participate."
"My mind is like a web browser – 17 tabs open, 3 of them frozen, and I have no idea where the music is coming from."
"I don’t need a hair stylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I’m not short. I’m concentrated awesome."
"It would be great if you could stop trying to have a conversation with me right now."
"Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma."
"I’m not always sarcastic. Sometimes I’m sleeping."
"I hate people who take drugs. Customs officers"
"An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough."
"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."
"I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice."
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