107 result(s) for Sarcastic Quotes.
"I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you."
"Some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue."
"Thank you for sharing your, uh, perspective."
"I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?"
"The best part of my day is your face."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either."
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"Sometimes I wonder if I'm in someone's sitcom."
"What a lovely day! Just kidding. It’s horrible."
"I put the 'pro' in procrastinate."
"I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck."
"You’re on your own; I’ll be over here rolling my eyes."
"I’m not sure how many problems I have, but I’m pretty sure it’s a lot."
"I’m busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?"
"I'd explain it to you, but I left my English-to-Dingbat dictionary at home."
"I’m not lazy; I’m on energy-saving mode."
"I’ll never be the person I was, but at least I can try to be misunderstood."
"You have an awesome personality for a person who doesn't speak."
"I've got to go; I’m late for my next bad decision."
"I can’t wait to hear your next wrong opinion."
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"I’m not sarcastic. I’m just really, really smart and you’re really, really dumb."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I thought I had a handle on the world. Turns out, it was a slippery doorknob."
"I'm on the patch to success, but it seems to have a dead end."
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
"You bring everyone so much joy… when you leave the room."
"I don't need your attitude; I have a perfectly good one of my own."
"Oh, I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?"
"I'm not lazy; I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list."
"I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you."
"You look like a before picture."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield."
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"It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer."
"If you think I’m crazy, you should see my brother!"
"We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know."
"I don't hold grudges; I just remember facts."
"If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ."
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks."
"My patience is not a virtue; it’s a choice."
"If I had a dollar for every time I had to make a bad decision, I’d be a millionaire."
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it."
"Sure, I’d love to help you out… now, which way did you come in?"
"I’m on the patch right now. I can’t deal with nonsense."
"If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet."
"I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time."
"Don’t worry; the worst is yet to come."
"I wish I had a dollar for every time I got distracted… hey, look a squirrel!"
"Of course I talk to myself; sometimes, I need expert advice."
"I’m not sure how many problems I have, but my therapist says it’s at least one."
"Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma."
"I can’t wait to hear what I say next."
"I'm not great at advice; can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"I’ll never forget the day I decided to change my life. It was the day I stopped."
"Shout out to my computer: for being one button away from me losing it."
"I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."
"I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you."
"If I had a dollar for every smart thing you say, I’d be broke."
"I’m not a complete idiot—some parts are missing."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"I’m multi-talented: I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once."
"I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain this to you."
"I’m not great at the advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"I thought I saw a spider, but it was just my dedication to doing less."
"I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you."
"Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them."
"I’m not bossy; I just have better ideas."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just passionately expressing my point of view."
"You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid anyway."
"I love how we’re all supposed to just go along with your bad ideas."
"You’re unique, just like everyone else."
"I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew."
"I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you."
"I wish I could be as thin as my patience."
"Your face makes me feel like I’m going to be sick."
"If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I used to care, but now I take a pill for that."
"Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice."
"I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it will get a reaction."
"I don’t need your attitude; I have my own."
"You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"If you think I’m crazy, you should see my friends."
"I would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."
"You look like a million bucks... all green and wrinkled."
"I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing."
"I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you."
"If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I’d fart."
"I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore, and forget at the same time."
"I’m not insulting you; I’m describing you."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message."
"I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff."
"I don’t always lose my phone, but when I do, it’s on silent."
"I’m an acquired taste. If you don’t like me, acquire some taste."
"I’m not short; I’m concentrated awesome."
"God gave us mouths that close and ears that don’t, that’s why we’re meant to listen twice as much as we speak."
"If I had a dollar for every time I had to listen to someone who thought they were smart, I’d have enough to pay for the therapy needed to get over it."
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