87 result(s) for Mitch Hedberg Quotes.
"I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. 'Say man, can I turn on the radio?' 'You should slow down.'"
"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all."
"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'"
"My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up my belt. I don't know what's really happening down there. Who is the real hero?"
"I wish they made fajita cologne because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? 'Mmm, beef.'"
"I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry and that's extra scary to me."
"I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down."
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"I got a baked potato in a microwave because it needed a jacket. You know, because the potato was cold. If it had another jacket, it would be a baked potato. Instead of the microwave, it would be a sun."
"I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle."
"I opened up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, 'Please try again.' because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. 'Come on Mitchell, don't give up! Please try again.' A message of inspiration."
"I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an 'Escalator Temporarily Out of Order' sign, only 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the Convenience.'"
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yes.'"
"I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2000 of something."
"I order the club sandwich all the time but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it."
"Procrastinate now, don't put it off."
"I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside."
"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."
"I'm kind of tired of salad...it's like a prom queen: beautiful, aloof, difficult. Give me something to eat, already!"
"People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."
"I intend to fight to the death for the right to say, 'The man is killing me.'"
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"I want a vending machine that sells vending machines. It would have to be really big."
"I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kebabs."
"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying 'Here, you throw this away.'"
"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. 'Damn it Otto, you're an alcoholic.' 'Damn it Otto, you have lupus.'"
"You know when it comes to racism, people say: I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green. Ooh hold on now. Purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere!"
"I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down."
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."
"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."
"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. 'Damn it, Otto, you're an alcoholic.' 'Damn it, Otto, you have Lupus.' One of those two doesn't sound right."
"I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."
"I think Pringles' original intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day the rubber was supposed to arrive, a big truck full of potatoes showed up. But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said, 'Fuck it. Cut 'em up.'"
"My friend said to me, 'You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.' I was like, 'Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me, you have to insert a pause.'"
"Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'"
"I don't have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it."
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"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."
"I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. 'Say man, can I turn on the radio?' 'You should slow down.' 'Why do we gotta keep going in circles?'"
"My hotel doesn't have a 13th floor because of superstition, but come on, man... people on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on."
"I got a belt on that's holding up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up my belt. I don't know what's really happening down there. 'Who is the real hero?'"
"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad but it will be too late."
"Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something."
"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time."
"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
"I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here."
"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying, 'Here, you throw this away.'"
"I would hate to be a drummer. Drummers got to sit at the back - all by themselves."
"I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring."
"If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker and you were walking down the street with them and they fell, that would be completely unacceptable."
"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
"My new house has a walk-in closet, with a guy still in it."
"I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, 'Please try again.' because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong..."
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
"If I had nine of my fingers missing, I wouldn't type any slower."
"You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later."
"I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. 'Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles?'"
"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."
"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. 'Dammit, Otto, you're an alcoholic.' 'Dammit, Otto, you have lupus.'"
"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!"
"I'm cool with failing, 'cause there's always 'Success after failure', but you have to be cool with getting things stolen, 'cause things have to get stolen sometimes."
"I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here."
"I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential."
"I used to be a hot tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day."
"I'm staying at a hotel right now. There's no place like a Hyatt. I like hotels with a happy 'O'. 'Welcome to Hyatt.' There's two 'T's in Hyatt. Bye-bye."
"Whenever I see an escalator, I always take the stairs. Because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs."
"When someone hands you a flier, it's like they're telling you 'Here, you throw this away.'"
"You know, I'm not walking out just because I like fresh air. I'm checking to see if the balcony is really tied in."
"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."
"I haven't slept for ten days because that would be too long."
"An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs."
"If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. 'Well, I was lost, but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament.'"
"Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit."
"I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. 'Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window?'"
"I wrote a script and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts. And he read it and he said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, 'I'll wait for the movie.'"
"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. 'DAMN IT, OTTO, YOU'RE AN ALCOHOLIC!' 'DAMN IT, OTTO, YOU HAVE GLAUCOMA!'"
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'"
"I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread."
"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Like if you wore a turtleneck and a backpack, it'd be like a weak midget trying to bring you down."
"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."
"I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."
"This shirt is 'dry-clean only.' Which means... it's dirty."
"I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault."
"I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me."
"I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'."
"My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. I don't know what's really happening down there. Who is the real hero?"
"I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I'll just give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this."
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