68 result(s) for Jerry Seinfeld Quotes.
"The IRS! They're like the mafia, they can take anything they want!"
"People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to."
"It's not that the glass is half empty or half full, it's that I don't want this glass."
"You can't teach a cat to bark. You can't teach a dog to meow. There's no difference between cats and dogs. They both lay around the house, sleep all day, and ruin things."
"You can't be happy and bitter at the same time."
"All of a sudden, I can't imagine what I ever saw in you. All of a sudden, elephants wearing tutus. All of a sudden, it's murder she wrote."
"I hate small talk. I want to talk about atoms, death, aliens, sex, magic, intellect, the meaning of life, faraway galaxies, music that makes you feel different, memories, the lies you've told, your flaws, your favorite scents, your childhood, what keeps you up at night, your insecurities, your fears."
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"I have a negative attitude toward heroin because the people I know who have tried it have come to a bad end. The moral of that story is never try anything."
"Cinnamon buns! That's the only food that tastes better than it smells."
"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking."
"Why do they call it a crush? Because that's how you feel when they don't feel the same way in return."
"The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning."
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."
"It's not a good sign when people are gasping at your haircut."
"You know that saline solution that they put contact lenses in? What do they do with that? Do they save that from lens to lens? 'That's Jerry's! Put that over here!'"
"Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV."
"Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?"
"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking."
"I think Superman probably has a very high IQ."
"Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
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"I have to think of all the things that I love about life... like chipmunks, and sleeves."
"According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy."
"I love sports. Whenever I can, I always watch the Detroit Tigers on the radio."
"Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is the leader?"
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'"
"I am so sorry - if there's any way for me to not be around you, that would be fantastic."
"I have a constant sweet tooth, so I like anything from the bakery, like cupcakes, cookies."
"I was the class clown, but I never thought that would make me a comedian."
"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."
"The best revenge is massive success."
"To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving."
"I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails. I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children. I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden. I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived."
"According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy."
"I am not a great sleeper, and I'm always looking for a good pillow."
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"Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us."
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'"
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'"
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
"I am not a cat person, you know. Because they are a little sneaky. If I am asleep, I don't mind if a dog jumps over me. But if a cat does, I have to check my wallet the second I get up."
"Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge."
"I love sports bars. Sports bars are great because they collect all the people I don't want to hang out with, and put them in one room. It's kind of like a human zoo."
"The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun."
"I have a digital camera. I got it for my kid, but it's a waste. They just delete every picture where their face looks fat. Somehow they only have 8 pictures left of their face."
"I was the first person to have a pager. People would see me on the street and they'd go, 'What is that thing on his belt?'"
"That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me."
"Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome."
"Why do they call it a 'building'? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a 'built'?"
"I wish the first word I ever said was 'quote', so right before I die I could say 'unquote'."
"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel, and vinyl."
"Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?"
"Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome."
"To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We’re all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box."
"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason."
"I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu."
"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."
"You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'"
"According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Does that sound right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy."
"I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything."
"Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom."
"I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?"
"Dogs are the greatest thing that can happen to you because they make you a more rounded human being."
"Dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love."
"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it."
"Anybody can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough."
"You can be passionate about anything. Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box."
"Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives, but they get through. You know why dogs have no money? No pockets."
"I'm not a big goal-setting person. I don't have big personal goals. I work, and the work is the goal."
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