115 result(s) for Les Dawson Quotes.
"My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects."
"I wouldn't say my wife's a bad cook, but the flies chipped in to fix the screen door."
"I used to practice political correctness, but after a while, it changes your way of thinking."
"My wife's such a bad cook, in my house, we pray after we eat."
"I take a very pragmatic view of raising children. I buy 'em books and tell them to read."
"I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap."
"Life is a jungle, and I am not equipped for jungle life."
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"I was a kamikaze pilot just bounced round a bit."
"The clothes are unlovable, like wearing an ill-advised but lovingly contrasted season."
"I was on a new pretense to bring forth a blowing pop culture. It was heavy."
"I discovered my wife in a compromised position with another man. It was me."
"I took my wife to the function suite at the local working men's club. She had a good time!"
"My face feels like it's been carved from pig's belly."
"I told my wife she was dressed like a policewoman. She said, 'You're under arrest.'"
"My wife said to me, 'If you won £56 million on the lottery, would you still love me?' I said, 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'"
"Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow and when I woke up, my pillow was gone."
"When I play stupid, I play stupid."
"My wife's cooking is so bad the fly on the wall tried to serve itself."
"The house was so small that when I put the key in the lock I stabbed the dog."
"I can always tell when the mother-in-law’s coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps."
"Would you like a dry martini? Oh, love, I stopped having those years ago – gave me too much of a headache in the morning. I now have gin."
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"The man who invented cat’s eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener."
"People ask me to tell them jokes. Well, I say, why should I make the same mistake twice?"
"I wouldn’t say my mother-in-law’s ugly, but when she takes her makeup off, the swallows turn back."
"I came from the kind of poor family where the tooth fairy left check."
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'."
"I picked a pair of shoes in a shoe shop and asked for the size; the shop assistant said 'Just try them on.' I said, 'Which foot?'"
"I thought Europe was a country."
"I’m an optimist. I always have been. Also, I give free Turkish Delight to orphans."
"I would say mozzarella is my favourite cheese. That’s unlike me. It’s usually beef flavoured."
"The wife’s mother said she’s coming to live with us forever. So I said ‘Oh, I’ll make sure our spare room is comfortable'."
"Last night I dreamt of a shop that only sold rice; it was an all-night chemist."
"I used to work in a cheese factory, but I got fired because I couldn’t stop making all the cheesy jokes. That’s very immature, but it’s nacho fault."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll make an exception."
"You know people say ‘age is nothing but a number’? Well, that’s true, it’s just a number that gets bigger every year."
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"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded."
"My dad used to say ‘always fight fire with fire’, which is why he was thrown out of the fire service."
"I went to the doctor, and all he did was suck blood from my neck. Do not go see Dr. Acula."
"I do all the housework at home. I do the hoovering, washing and drying, polishing, sweeping, dusting... and that's just while watching television."
"Last night I dreamt I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up, the pillow was gone."
"I used to play piano in a brothel. I wasn't very good. I would only play in the flats."
"You can always tell an ex-steeplejack. They are the only people who can dismantle a two-ton crane with a lump hammer and a screwdriver."
"A tramp knocked on my door. ‘Can you help me?’ he said. ‘I haven’t eaten for three days.’ ‘Good,’ I said. ‘Stay on your diet.’"
"I said to the waiter, 'There is no chicken in this chicken soup.' He said, 'And there’s no horse in the horseradish.'"
"I said to the doctor, 'It hurts when I do this.' He said, 'Don’t do that.'"
"Life is like a grapefruit. It’s orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast."
"I asked the chambermaid, ‘Can I have a kiss goodnight?’ She said, ‘I’ll have to ask my husband.’"
"I’m overdrawn at the bank, but I don’t worry about it. I’ve got a permanent marker."
"When I was a kid, I played hide and seek. They wouldn’t even look for me."
"I admire this woman. She had ten children one after the other. I said, ‘How do you cope?’ She said, ‘They slept in the same drawer.’"
"I believe in fate. But fate believes in me. It happened to me. It never happens to the wife."
"This man knocked on my door, and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water."
"My wife asked me to take her somewhere she’d never been before. So I took her to the kitchen."
"I came from a very poor family. There was never enough food. We only had one rice pudding between eight of us. But I never went without pudding."
"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way."
"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back."
"The wife insists on setting the table for meals. I wouldn't mind, but she moves everything in the house onto it."
"I got a compliment on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said 'Parking Fine.'"
"Some people can't take a joke. So I keep on trying."
"I'll never have a go at DIY again. I put up a set of shelves yesterday. Nailed one of my fingers to the wall."
"Age, time, and cash will tame the wildest shrew."
"I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps."
"Did you hear about the robbery last night on the motorway? Six lanes were closed. It was a ten-lane highway."
"I took my wife to a wife-swapping party, I had to throw in some cash."
"You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work."
"I can't speak highly enough of the seven dwarfs, Usual, Grumpy, Musician, Smiler, Scatty, Crowded, and Twicky. They're all quite dopey guys, one of them is always sneezing, which reminds me, it's time for my medication."
"I grew up being told the recipe for a happy married life, and a great sex life was the same. It involved a gourmet cook and a fraudster."
"My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm. I passed her the super glue by mistake. She's still not speaking to me."
"Last year I made a mistake. I took my wife along to watch a football match. The half time whistle blew and she already had the wrong side in the lead."
"One of my friends fell into a vat of chocolate. He got marred down in seconds."
"The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I'd be honest."
"People always say marriage is hard work. They must be doing something wrong; I've been married three times and it's been the same person every time."
"My uncle managed to say peace on earth once in 1967. He hasn't stopped drinking since."
"I read a humbling fact the other day: Nearly 4 million Ukrainians died during the great potato famine. The Russians weren't touched. It's a sobering thought, isn't it?"
"An autobiography is a book a person writes about his own life and it is usually full of all sorts of boring details."
"I wouldn't say I was the best pianist in the world. But I'm probably in the top one."
"You can always tell a Yorkshireman, but you can't tell him much."
"The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public."
"I've got a learner plate on my car. That's not because I'm learning to drive. I'm getting insurance!"
"I think I am a natural clown, but I like to know that people are laughing at me and with me... not just at me."
"I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’"
"I read a book twice as fast as anybody else. First, because I'm a speed reader, and second, because I keep dropping the book."
"I have the body of an eighteen-year-old. I keep it in the fridge."
"Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get."
"I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it."
"Age doesn't matter unless you're a cheese."
"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."
"As a reward for Country Life Butter, Leslie Crowther gets his head stoned to death by cricket balls."
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
"Home is where the WiFi connects automatically."
"I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs."
"I met this bloke who said he knew me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore."
"I asked the butler where the pies were in Tesco and he took me to the silks."
"Do you know why banks make so much money? They lend it to you every time you're bending down to reach for the soap in the shower."
"The trouble with doing nothing is not knowing when you are finished."
"I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'"
"The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely boiling. I said, 'Do you want a drink?' She said, 'Yeah, I'll have a Tia Maria.' I said, 'Do you want it with ice?' She said, 'Yeah, pass us the bottle.'"
"I've got nothing against kids. The trouble is they have everything against me."
"Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest."
"My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree."
"The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies."
"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."
"There are two sides to every argument, unless you're a married man."
"There is always one person at every wedding who knows you very well."
"You know you're getting old when your back goes out more than you do."
"I've been happily married for four years - out of 25."
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is."
"I'm a light eater. As soon as it's light, I start eating."
"My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself. Every time I ask her to fix something, she says, 'Oh, do it yourself.'"
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I have more on my plate at the moment than Fatty Arbuckle at a buffet."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not quite sure."
"I'm a celebrity – I get autograph requests on my shopping list."
"I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her."
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