105 result(s) for Funny Sarcasm Quotes.
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ."
"Sure, I’d love to help you out...now, which way did you come in?"
"I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"Yes, I’m listening. No, I don’t know who you are."
"I pretend to care, but I really don’t."
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"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me beach photos."
"I really think the next best alternative is to have no opinion."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I always give 100% at work. 13% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 22% on Thursday, and 2% on Friday."
"You know you're not liked when you get handed the 50-page manual for the copier."
"I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"If you think I’m sarcastic, you should hear my inside voice."
"I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome."
"I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time."
"I don’t need anger management, I need people to stop poking me."
"You're unique, just like everyone else."
"I know the voices aren't real, but sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome!"
"I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"Sure, I’ll put it in the microwave. Because that’s how things work."
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"I don’t have the energy to pretend I like you today."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted a paycheck."
"I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode."
"I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore, and forget at the same time."
"I really want to be a morning person... but I need more coffee."
"When nothing goes right, go left."
"If we weren't meant to eat midnight snacks, why is there even light in the fridge?"
"I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you."
"I have to be successful because I like expensive things."
"You can't make everybody happy. You're not a taco."
"Why don't we take a break to discuss how little I care about your opinion?"
"My imaginary friend says you have serious issues."
"I’m not even sorry for what I said because it’s all true."
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"I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry."
"If your brain was dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off."
"Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity."
"I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me to 'black screen' mode."
"I have a great sense of humor but it’s mostly just sarcasm."
"I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them."
"Take my advice — I’m not using it."
"I’m not actually funny, I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking."
"I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you."
"I would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."
"The only thing I gained in life is weight."
"I’d explain it to you, but I left my English-to-Dingbat dictionary at home."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"I always say 'no' to drugs, but it is always in a sarcastic tone."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you."
"I am on energy-saving mode."
"My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch."
"I didn't want to look back and think 'I could have eaten that.'"
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."
"If I had a dollar for every smart thing you say, I'd be broke."
"I am not lazy, I am on energy-saving mode."
"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
"I didn’t choose the thug life; the thug life chose me."
"Some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I'm not insulting you; I'm describing you."
"Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious."
"I'm multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time."
"The worst part of being me is that I can't even tell myself to stop being me."
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
"I am not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room."
"If I had a penny for every time I didn't understand something, I wouldn't have any pennies."
"I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them."
"I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today."
"You’re unique, just like everyone else."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"You’re never too old to learn something stupid."
"I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you."
"I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time."
"Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice."
"I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
"I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"I would like to thank my middle finger for always being there for me."
"I don’t have a bad handwriting; I have my own font."
"I always give 100% at work: 13% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, and 4% on Friday."
"If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had a puppy."
"I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a paycheck."
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I am on a juice cleanse. It’s called ‘a bottle of wine.’"
"I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I’m so glad we had this time together just to have a laugh or sing a song."
"I’m not a social drinker, I’m a drinker who socializes."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I’ll take my time."
"When I’m not in a sarcastic mood, I’m usually asleep."
"It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste."
"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the title: ‘The Art of Procrastination.’"
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