106 result(s) for Funny Quotes For Adults.
"Age is just a number. In my case, a high one."
"I’m on the patch right now for caffeine. It’s a coffee a day."
"I can’t believe I’m actually reminiscing about the good old days. I thought I’d be too happy to be an adult."
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
"Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is a husband."
"I don’t need you to be perfect. I just need you to be enough of a mess to validate my own."
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
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"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I didn’t fall; I’m just spending some quality time with the floor."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"My computer screen is bright enough to act as a sun lamp."
"There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will get this."
"I am not arguing. I am just explaining why I am right."
"At my age, I've seen it all, heard it all, and done it all. Just not all at the same time."
"I feel like I’m going to get mad at someone, but everyone is so nice."
"I told my boss that I needed a raise. He asked for reasons. I said 'Just because I'm awesome.'"
"I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately expressing my point of view."
"We all have a purpose in life. Mine is to be a cautionary tale."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure."
"I’ve reached the age where my brain goes from 'You probably shouldn’t say that' to 'What the hell, let’s see what happens.'"
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
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"The great thing about getting older is that you don’t lose all the other ages you’ve been."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth. She told me the psychiatrist was a very nice man."
"I'm on the patch right now. I gave up drinking for a month. I know, I know, the patch doesn't work, but I figured I might as well be working at it."
"I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work."
"I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it."
"My therapist said that time heals all wounds, so I got a new tattoo."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
"Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese."
"If life gives you lemons, just add vodka."
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"I have a mind like a steel trap. It’s a steel trap that’s got a hole in it."
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"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"I am on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"Housework can’t kill you, but why take the chance?"
"I can’t repair my own brakes, so I make up for it by driving really fast."
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking too good either."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"If I had a dollar for every time I had a great idea, I’d be in debt."
"I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I'm on a calorie-reduced diet. I cut out the calories and leave the food."
"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."
"I have a mind like a steel trap. It’s rusted shut."
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."
"In my defense, I was left unsupervised."
"I don’t want to brag, but I’m an award-winning napper."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode."
"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. After that, who cares? They’re a mile away and you have their shoes!"
"I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing."
"I didn't fail the test; I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I’d be broke."
"The only time I set the bar low is for limbo."
"I can't tell if I’m working or watching Netflix."
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
"I drink coffee for your safety."
"I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"I have a lot of Чэхщт friends."
"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done."
"I used to be snow white, but I drifted."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me beach wallpaper."
"I would like to thank all the people who have made this moment possible, mostly my parents."
"A clear conscience is a sign of a fuzzy memory."
"If at first you don’t succeed, maybe skydiving isn’t for you."
"I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"My mind is like a web browser—24 tabs open, 3 are frozen, and I have no idea where the music is coming from."
"I’m in shape. Round is a shape."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I finally found out what’s wrong with my brain: on the left side, there’s nothing right, and on the right side, there’s nothing left."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I don’t need a hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"My therapist said a little daily exercise is good for me. So I buried him in my backyard."
"Some of my best friends are flakes, but I'm a pancake person."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I would like to be a fountain of knowledge, but I feel more like a clogged drain."
"If we aren't supposed to eat midnight snacks, why is there even light in the fridge?"
"Sweatpants are all that fit me right now."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere."
"Don’t worry if plan A doesn’t work. There are 25 more letters in the alphabet."
"I can’t believe I still have to pay for this!"
"You're never too old to learn something stupid."
"I'd agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."
"The only thing I throwback on Thursdays is my remote control."
"I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work."
"Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you."
"You can’t be happy in your life until you’re unhappy with your job."
"If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you."
"For every action, there is a corresponding overreaction on social media."
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."
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