123 result(s) for Funny Quotes About Doctors.
"The only time to be positive you have a clear path is when you’re on the edge of a cliff."
"Doctor: 'What do you want me to do? My job is to find out what's wrong, but yours is to tell me what it is.'"
"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana."
"I have an appointment with a doctor, and I shall be there before the end of the day. Unless I die."
"A physician is one who leaves no stone unturned, except his own."
"The doctor is often more to be feared than the disease."
"If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had a puppy."
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"The best doctor is the one you run to and can’t find."
"Doctor: ‘Do you have trouble reading?’ Patient: ‘I can’t say that I do.’"
"Laughter is the best medicine, but if you're laughing for no reason, you may need medicine."
"I asked my doctor if I could take a bath and he said, 'If you don't take a bath, you might get dirty.'"
"You know you're a doctor when you pull the car over and get out to check ointment on the freeway."
"I told my doctor I was really interested in alternative medicine. He said, 'That's great. I'd love to recommend you to someone else!'"
"Nurses are the heart of healthcare, and doctors are only what’s left of it after the heart’s been taken out."
"A doctor’s office is filled with patients; it’s the waiting room of life."
"If only we could put more stress into the world of medicine, perhaps more people would visit their doctors!"
"Behind every great doctor is a patient who thought they knew better."
"I'm going to give you a prescription for what ails you: laughter."
"Doctor: ‘You’re overweight.’ Patient: ‘I want a second opinion.’ Doctor: ‘Okay, you’re ugly too.’"
"There’s a fine line between a numerator and denominator. Only a fraction of you will find that funny."
"A good doctor will tell you what you need. A great doctor will also know what you want to hear."
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"Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to leave the places alone."
"The only thing I like about the doctor is that he feels bad that I’m sick."
"Never trust a doctor whose office plants have died."
"The doctor said to me, 'You need to lose weight.' I said, 'I want to be healthy.' He said, 'No, you need to lose weight.'"
"I went to the doctor to get a physical. I told him I had a sore throat. He asked if I ever had any surgery. I said, 'Yes, I had my tonsils out.' He said, 'Well, that explains it.'"
"Doctors are the only people who can tell you what's wrong with you without ever even looking at you."
"A doctor gives a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months."
"I asked the doctor for a second opinion. He said, 'You’re ugly too.'"
"My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I now live longer than the last time I jogged."
"You know you're getting old when the doctor says, 'You need glasses!' and you say, 'I do not!' as you take your glasses off to see the doctor better."
"If you can't afford a doctor, go to the Emergency Room. It's a free place to get your health advice."
"My doctor said I needed to start listening to my body. I said, 'Okay, body. What do you want to listen to?'"
"At my age, I need all the parts I can get."
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"The best doctor in the world is a pediatrician. He really has the best patients."
"I have a doctor who is a superb surgeon but makes terrible small talk."
"A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing."
"I find that the best way to stay healthy is to eat what you like and just not eat too much of it."
"When they said, 'You are what you eat,' I didn’t know that they were talking about doctors."
"There are two kinds of doctors: those who practice medicine and those who practice on you."
"The doctor is in... just as soon as the waiting room clears out."
"Behind every successful doctor is a patient who doesn't have to understand anything."
"An apple a day may keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough."
"Doctors are great. They tell you to eat healthy, then they eat donuts in front of you."
"I don't believe in over-the-counter medicine. I prefer prescription error."
"If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere."
"A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines."
"The patient is never wrong. At least they can’t be as wrong as the doctor."
"There are two kinds of doctors: those who make you feel better when you’re sick and those who make you feel worse when you’re well."
"If you think you’re going to die, you’ll die. If you think the doctor will heal you, then maybe the doctor will heal you. But here’s the thing: no one’s in charge. You’re in charge."
"Doctors are just the players; the patients are the ones who create the game."
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor is cute, forget the fruit!"
"A physician is a magician who is lying on the gurney, waiting for a miracle to happen."
"The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a couple of doctor's appointments."
"The trouble with doctors is that they have no patients."
"They say that laughter is the best medicine. It’s not true, but it’s a good place to start."
"If a doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster."
"In the end, we’re all just a bunch of cells and a few systems talking to each other – usually in pain."
"I have a lot of respect for doctors because they made me pay for my own health insurance."
"The only way to get rid of your doctor is to tell him you can’t afford him."
"Behind every good doctor, there’s a great patient who’s paying his bills."
"Of course, there are doctors who know a lot about medicine. But not all of them can make you feel better."
"The doctor says I need to lose weight, so I’m going to start by laying off the donuts. Tomorrow, that is."
"I finally went to the doctor because I couldn't hear anything that was not said."
"The doctor is in—and charging!"
"I don’t need a doctor; I need a personal trainer."
"Laughter is the best medicine, unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list."
"Even doctors need a day off; it just usually requires an absurdly long wait."
"If the doctor had no patients, he’d be out of business."
"I think my doctor has come to the conclusion that I have a chronic case of being human."
"A doctor is the only man who buys the other fellows’ sick and the old for cash and sells them for credit."
"The best doctor in the world is a husband. He can cure anything from a broken heart to a bad haircut."
"If you think healthcare is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free."
"Doctors are just like nurses. You know, they have to be good at their jobs, but they can also be good at making bad jokes."
"I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
"Your doctor is going to ask you a million questions. If he asks about your diet, just tell him you eat healthy—ice cream and pizza in moderation!"
"The only time you should give a patient a choice is when you're ready to get the black eye when he says 'no.'"
"Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law."
"I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV."
"I have a great doctor. He once told me I was the picture of health! I asked him where he found the picture."
"The difference between a doctor and a lawyer is that a lawyer can make you have a double bypass."
"The patient had a purulent discharge. I told him to take two aspirin and call me when he was feeling better."
"I thought I was a hypochondriac until my doctor told me I was just lazy."
"They say laughter is the best medicine—unless you're laughing at your doctor during an examination!"
"A good doctor treats the disease, but a great doctor treats the patient who has the disease."
"Doctors can be very nice. Just look at all the people they charge or charge them for appointments where they don’t show up!"
"A doctor will cure you, but a good restaurant will cure your hunger."
"I never knew a doctor who wasn’t afraid of something, even if it was a bad bill from the IRS."
"When I found out I was going to be a doctor, I thought I'd finally get to deliver bad news without feeling bad about it."
"I'm only a doctor because I like to tell people what to do."
"My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror."
"In the hospital, they say if you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, just don't go to the doctor."
"I told my doctor I needed a second opinion. He told me to go get one at the other end of the street."
"A doctor’s office is where it’s okay to say ‘I’m just not that into you’ without hurting their feelings."
"I used to be a doctor, but now I just take my clients' blood pressure."
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
"Why did the doctor carry a red pen? In case he needed to draw blood!"
"I have all the characteristics of a human being: I am thoughtful, kind, and I work hard. But I have a big problem. I’m also a doctor."
"A doctor is a person who saves your life until you are well enough to pay for treatment."
"The doctor says I need to watch my drinking. So now I drink in front of a mirror."
"Doctors are just like therapists—except they don’t play with your mind; they play with your body."
"I'll never forget my doctor's advice. He said I should never listen to a doctor who wants to give me a shot."
"A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines."
"An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough."
"My doctor told me I needed to watch my drinking. So now I drink in front of a mirror."
"If you think the doctor is helping you, you’re not looking for the right signs!"
"I asked the doctor how long I would live. He said, 'It depends on you.' I said, 'Well, I’m in good hands then.'"
"The only thing worse than going to the doctor is having your dentist give you a shot."
"I have a great doctor. He gave me a prescription for a lot more exercise. I'm still working on it, but at least I'm getting my steps in by walking to the fridge."
"You know you’re a doctor when everyone asks for your opinion but never takes your advice."
"Behind every successful doctor, there’s a patient who took care of his own health."
"Being a doctor is a great job... if you like dealing with people and don’t mind them bleeding all over you."
"When I told my doctor I was afraid of dying, he told me not to worry—he was not charging me for that visit!"
"My doctor told me to get a hobby. So, I opened my own practice."
"The best doctor in the world is a physician that knows his patient and knows his patients' families."
"If the doctor is not happy with his work, he might as well quit and become a comedian!"
"When a patient asks how long the treatment will take, the answer is always: 'It’s a marathon, not a sprint.' – unless you’re out of shape, in which case it’s just a walk."
"They say laughter is the best medicine. Well, I must be a doctor because I keep cracking up!"
"Why did the doctor get kicked out of the comedy club? Because his punchlines were too low!"
"Doctors are the only people who can make you feel bad about being sick."
"I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
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