127 result(s) for Funny Payroll Quotes.
"Love is all you need. Except for a salary, you know, money helps too."
"They say money talks, but all mine says is 'Goodbye.'"
"I told my boss that three companies were after me and I needed a raise. We laughed, I didn’t get the raise."
"There's no such thing as a free lunch, but there are definitely free coffee breaks."
"I finally got fired from my job at the calendar factory. I took a day off."
"Pay day is the best day of the month—unless you have to pay your bills."
"My paycheck is like a ninja: it disappears before I can see it."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"I want to be rich enough to buy my own bank, just so I can see my balance without feeling stressed."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes—and a payroll department."
"I asked my boss for a raise because three companies were after me. He said, 'Which ones?' I said, 'The gas, electric, and water companies!'"
"The best way to make a small fortune in business is to start with a large one."
"There's too much blood in my caffeine system—and my paycheck is the only thing that's drained."
"A paycheck is just a piece of paper that reminds me how much I need a second job."
"I tried to be normal once. Worst five minutes of my life—especially when I checked my paycheck."
"Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you fat; and I’m okay with that."
"The only time I feel like a millionaire is the moment I check my account before payday—then I realize I’m not."
"My boss said I should start the presentation with a joke. So I used my paycheck as the first slide."
"Why did the payroll clerk cross the road? To get to the bank before it closed."
"Every time I look at my bank account, I’m reminded that I can’t have my cake and eat it too—at least not until payday."
"I love my job—it pays my bills, just not the fun stuff."
"If my paycheck had feelings, it would cry every time I opened my wallet."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"I wish I could cash my quick wit like I do my paycheck."
"90% of the time, I’m just here to collect my paycheck. The other 10%? I’m still waiting to figure out what I do."
"I can't believe they still ask me to work for a check. How about a pizza instead?"
"At our workplace, every day is Monday until payday—because that's when the fun starts!"
"Salary: The money you get for staying awake during meetings."
"I don't mind people thinking I'm stupid. I just mind when they prove it by giving me my paycheck in cash."
"The only thing worse than a bad paycheck is a paycheck that bounces."
"A good leader takes a little more than his share of the blame, a little less than his share of the credit, and the whole of the profit!"
"My paycheck is a little beige reminder of everything I’ve done wrong this month."
"There's a fine line between a paycheck and servitude."
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping."
"It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer, like paychecks."
"Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure about that... especially when it comes to my paycheck."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"You know you're old when your paycheck looks like a group of abbreviated words. i.e. 'W-2'"
"I always put off my exercise until the last minute. That’s why my paycheck is also still on the shelf."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces—especially when you see it's time for payday."
"The only time my job is exciting is when I see the pay stub and wonder how I got here."
"When they say you get what you pay for, I just say they’re wrong – I’m still waiting for my paycheck!"
"Some people dream of success, while others wake up and work hard for their paycheck!"
"It's a shame, but I think I’m furloughing my motivation every payday!"
"I finally realized that in this world, paychecks are just a piece of paper that often determines how much fun you can have!"
"Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration, especially when it's payroll time."
"Why did I move so far down the corporate ladder? Because I wanted to see my paycheck shrink!"
"The truth is that money can't buy happiness – but it can buy a really good accountant."
"Just because I’m on salary doesn’t mean I have to live like it!"
"At the end of the day, my paycheck isn’t what keeps me going – it’s the dreams of what I’ll do with it!"
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by, just like my paycheck."
"Money is like manure. It’s not worth a thing unless it’s spread around, encouraging young things to grow – like my bank account every payday."
"You can’t put a price on love, but you can put it on my paycheck – and it’s usually disappointing."
"I get a paycheck every two weeks, but it doesn’t feel like I’m being paid for all the work I do. It just feels like a reminder of how little I’m getting paid."
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
"My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home."
"I am extremely loyal to those products that I sponsor. I would die for them."
"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."
"It's not about the money. It's about sending a message."
"A paycheck is just a reminder of how many hours you spend on the job to pay for the things you want."
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
"I have too much respect for the idea of god to make it responsible for such an absurdity."
"The secret of success is to be ready when your opportunity comes."
"I wish I could be as thin as my bank account."
"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."
"My boss is like a bad penny; he always turns up when I least expect it."
"The only time my boss is happy is when I’m working overtime."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you."
"I told my boss that three employees were stealing from the company. He said, 'What are their names?' I said, 'None of them. They are all good friends of mine.'"
"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"I finally understand what I’m best at. I’m best at getting paid to watch daytime TV."
"My job is secure. No one wants it."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"Some people dream of success, while other people get up every morning and make it happen."
"If you think your boss is an idiot, remember: he was once a kid who couldn't find his own shoes."
"A paycheck is like a lightning bolt: there’s no money in the sky, just clouds!"
"The best way to avoid a hangover is to stay drunk all the time. The best way to avoid payroll is to stay self-employed."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything, just like my paycheck."
"Money can’t buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you’re being miserable."
"The only thing worse than a bad day at work is a bad paycheck."
"I once had a job as a professional crastinator, but I got fired because I kept postponing my payroll section."
"Your paycheck should never be the only reason for getting out of bed in the morning."
"I can’t afford to be a pessimist. I have too much to lose in payroll."
"A paycheck is a way to keep your dreams alive while you wait for your true calling."
"I told my boss that I needed a raise. He told me that he’d give me a raise if I did more work. I told him that’s a fair trade!"
"May your paycheck be large, your expenses be small, and your troubles be nonexistent."
"A paycheck is like a donut. It’s sweet and enjoyable, but it disappears too quickly!"
"I get by with a little help from my paycheck and a lot of caffeine."
"A salary is a wage that is paid to you for the work you did and a luxury for your employer to avoid hiring more people."
"Today’s forecast shows a 100% chance of overestimating your paycheck."
"Getting a paycheck is like being given a cookie and being on a diet at the same time!"
"Dear Payroll, could you please stop playing peek-a-boo with my paycheck?"
"I love the sound of the paycheck in the morning."
"The only time I look forward to getting up in the morning is when I know there’s a paycheck waiting for me!"
"Like a magician, my paycheck appears and disappears in the blink of an eye."
"I don’t mind the work, I just wish my paycheck would take a cue from the great escape."
"It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer, especially when payday is at stake."
"Money talks. Mine usually says, 'Goodbye.'"
"I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard someone say, 'Where’s my paycheck?'"
"Work until your bank account looks like a phone number."
"Why is the paycheck always late? Because it likes to make an entrance!"
"Paychecks are like promises: they’re great in theory but often fail in reality."
"The difference between a paycheck and a savings account is that your paycheck can actually make you feel like you're living the dream... until you spend it all on bills."
"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."
"Money can’t buy happiness, but it can make you feel more comfortable while you’re miserable."
"I put my money in one place and my payroll in another. The second place is a lot more fun!"
"Why did the payroll clerk keep a ladder in the office? Because they wanted to reach new heights in their paycheck!"
"The hardest job in the world is making a payroll because it draws talent in at both ends and out at both ends."
"Payday may not be a holiday, but it feels like one when the money hits the account!"
"Behind every successful company is a payroll department that never gets the credit."
"I've learned that a paycheck isn't a paycheck until you've spent it all."
"To be successful in business, pay your employees well—but not so well that they can afford to leave."
"Some people can’t comprehend how someone can be so happy on payday while so miserable on Monday."
"If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your payroll department told you to."
"An accountant is someone who saves you from your paycheck!"
"The only thing worse than talking about money is not getting paid for it!"
"Paying people is like feeding an elephant: you need to do it regularly, and it can still get mad if you take too long."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything, including your payroll!"
"If you think hiring has gotten complicated, try explaining payroll to three generations of employees."
"It’s not the money that counts; it’s the way you make it disappear!"
"Payroll is the only place where you can see the fruits of labor disappear in the blink of an eye."
"You know you’re an adult when you actually look forward to payday... and then remember all your bills."
"Sometimes it feels like money is a lot like a paycheck: it only comes around once in a while!"
"A paycheck is just a reminder of all the things you want to do... and can’t afford."
"I am currently on payroll diet – it’s mostly about eating food I can afford after payday!"
"There are two ways to make money: wait for payday, or create your own!"
"The only way to make a million dollars is to make sure your payroll is strong... and to stop being so good at spending it!"
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?