113 result(s) for Funny Old Time Quotes.
"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."
"I can resist anything but temptation."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"A man is only as old as he feels."
"If you think you're too small to make a difference, try spending the night in a closed room with a mosquito."
"I always wanted to be somebody. I guess I should have been more specific."
"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
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"If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else."
"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research."
"It's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
"Just because you're not sick doesn't mean you're healthy."
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
"You can't make a woman do anything she doesn't want to do, except maybe shop."
"The only thing I know is that I know nothing."
"The hardest thing about being a parent is that you have to keep your mouth shut."
"I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction."
"I told my therapist about my crush on procrastination."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt."
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."
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"Never be afraid to laugh at yourself; you could be missing out on the joke of the century."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"I don't have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth. She was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"You're never too old to learn something stupid."
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
"Being married is like having a stand-up comedy team. Everything's a bit awkward until you find your rhythm."
"Some people are like Slinkies. They aren’t good for much, but they bring a smile when you push them down the stairs."
"The only time I feel at peace is when I'm asleep; I nap better than anyone I know."
"Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else."
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"If you think about it, nothing is even remotely funny."
"My therapist says time heals all wounds, so I’m off to buy a clock."
"I had a dream that I was a butterfly, but then I woke up and realized I’m just a regular person pretending to be a butterfly."
"It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."
"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."
"I can’t understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid, I was taught that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree. But that’s not true, because I saw it on a cartoon, and that was a lie! – So it must all be a lie!"
"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana."
"The older I get, the better I was."
"I don't know what the key to success is, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
"Just remember, you can't climb the ladder of success with your hands in your pockets."
"We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing."
"I've reached a point in my life where I can say that I truly am OK with the fact that I am a little different and a little off-beat."
"At my age, I’ve seen it all, heard it all, and I just want to hold my own."
"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not."
"I’m at an age where my back goes out more than I do."
"When you are about 60, you begin to turn grey. You do not, however, turn anything else but grey; you turn fat, too, if you have a habit of it."
"As I get older, I’m more and more comfortable being alone."
"Getting old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you haven’t committed."
"There's something to be said for keeping your mouth shut and letting people wonder what you're thinking."
"There’s no fool like an old fool."
"Youth is a gift of nature, but age is a work of art."
"Aging seems to be the only thing that is not considered a felony."
"It takes a long time to become young."
"I don’t think of all the misery, but of the glory that remains."
"You’re only as old as you feel."
"The older I get, the more I realize that I’m still a kid at heart."
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do."
"Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up."
"Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice."
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional."
"You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old."
"Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young."
"I’m not aging, I’m marinating."
"To be happy, we must not be too prudent."
"At my age, I’ve seen it all, done it all, but I refuse to admit it!"
"I can’t believe how much I’ve learned, mostly from my mistakes."
"The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana."
"It’s sad to grow old, but it’s even sadder to take old age too seriously."
"We are always the same age inside."
"Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you."
"Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes."
"I have successfully completed my 40s and am now moving into the 50s, which I hear are just like the 40s, just with more aching joints."
"I told my doctor I wanted to leave the hospital with a full head of hair. He said, 'That's easy, just take it home with you.'"
"Old people shouldn’t eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get."
"I’ve reached an age where my back goes out more than I do."
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you’re on board, you can make it work."
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter."
"I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn’t learn something from him."
"I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"To be old and wise, you must first be young and stupid."
"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a beautiful day."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."
"At my age, I’ve seen it all, done it all, heard it all. I just can’t remember it all."
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