115 result(s) for Funny Office Quotes.
"I am only as strong as my weakest link, which usually happens to be my boss."
"The only reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one who listens."
"My boss is like a software update. Whenever I see him, I feel like I should wait for a while."
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
"If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter."
"I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on."
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"Dear IT, I’ve had a bad day and I’d like to reset my life."
"I told my boss that the clock is my best friend. It’s always tick-tocking when I’m in the office."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."
"Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that it’s only Wednesday."
"I get up every morning and think to myself, ‘How far can I push this sends the coffee?’"
"Behind every successful person, there’s a substantial amount of coffee."
"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."
"Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now."
"I’m so glad we had this time together just to have a laugh or sing a song."
"To err is human, to blame it on someone else shows management potential."
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
"It’s not about how bad you want it. It’s about how hard you’re willing to work for it."
"Meetings: where minutes are kept and hours are lost."
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"If at first you don't succeed, redefine success."
"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"The closest thing to perfect is a team that works well together. And a coffee machine that hasn't run out of coffee."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I find you very unfunny. You never laugh, never smile."
"I always give 100%. Unless I'm donating blood."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it."
"I am not lazy. I am on energy-saving mode."
"At work, I just want to be the one who actually gets things done. Because the one who talks the most usually ends up doing nothing."
"I don't work on Fridays. I technically just show up."
"Hard work pays off later, but procrastination pays off now!"
"There’s a fine line between a scheduled appointment and a lunch meeting."
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"If I won the award for laziness, I would send someone to pick it up for me."
"You can't make everyone happy. You're not a taco."
"I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay with the current job. We laughed so hard when he said 'Which companies?'."
"It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer."
"Meetings are where everyone decides what they shouldn't do."
"If at first you don't succeed, try doing it the way your boss told you to."
"I would like to be a queen, but I would be too busy playing the role of an employee."
"The only time I set the bar low is for limbo."
"When nothing goes right, go grab a donut."
"I finally learned how to turn on my computer. It's all downhill from here."
"The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen."
"My boss is like a software update. Whenever I see him, I think, 'Not now.'"
"If I could be a superhero, I would be 'The Office Worker'. My power would be to work from home."
"Sometimes you need to take a break from being a good colleague to be a good person."
"I told my boss I needed a raise. He said, 'For what? You’re already the highest paid procrastinator here!'"
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything—in the office too!"
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe."
"Job title: professional napper."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I’m on the patch of procrastination."
"I don't always have a plan, but when I do, I probably forgot it."
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time."
"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!"
"Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice."
"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
"Don't worry if plan A doesn’t work, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet."
"Monday is the day that my coffee needs coffee before it can start working."
"The only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen at once."
"I am a Marriott Bonvoy member, and I’m not ashamed to admit it."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I can tell you that if you’re not making mistakes, you’re not doing anything. I’m not worried about mistakes; I’m worried about what you learn from them."
"The hardest thing about being the boss is that you have to do everything yourself, but nobody wants to help you."
"I have a simple philosophy. Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"The future is uncertain, but the end is always near."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I don't always carry cash, but when I do, it's usually in a jar in my desk."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"Just because you have a bad idea, doesn't mean you can't be right."
"It’s hard to be a diamond in a rhinestone world."
"You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a taco."
"I've got a great ambition to die of exhaustion rather than boredom."
"Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you're finished."
"The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones."
"Meetings are essential to success, and they’re also like a time warp – you end up wondering where the day went."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then try again in the second half of the football game."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception."
"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."
"The preferred method for a site visit is to have the site visited as quickly as possible without actually going to the site."
"I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"There’s a fine line between a rut and a grave."
"I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse."
"Meetings are where minutes are kept and hours are lost."
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
"I wish I could be as thin as my patience."
"I don’t always procrastinate, but when I do, I prefer to do it later."
"A meeting is an event where minutes are taken and hours wasted."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"My boss told me to have a good day... so I went home."
"I can’t find my socks, but my coffee is right here on my desk. What's more, I’ve decided it’s a valid trade!"
"Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?"
"They say money talks, but all mine says is 'Goodbye.'"
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"There’s no I in team, but there is a me."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"The only thing worse than a bad day at work is a bad day at work you showed up to on time."
"I always give 100 percent – except when I’m giving blood."
"You don’t have to be crazy to work here; we’ll train you."
"Stress is when you do not know whether to fasten your seatbelt or your safety helmet."
"My resume is just a list of things I’ve lied about."
"Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkness drains our color?"
"If your boss is getting you down, look at it this way: you’re one step closer to being rich."
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
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