126 result(s) for Funny Jewish Quotes.
"Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you a schmuck."
"I don't know how to do this. I can't even make a lox and bagel without a complete rabbi on the premises."
"When I die, I want to be cremated. It will be my last chance to have a hot body."
"You can lead a man to a synagogue, but you can't make him think."
"I told my wife the truth. I said, 'I am not an astronaut. I am a Jewish comedian.'"
"My grandmother was a Jewish guilt factory. She manufactured it with love and gave it freely."
"A Jewish man goes to a doctor and says, 'Doctor, it hurts when I do this.' The doctor replies, 'Then don’t do that.'"
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"There's a fine line between a rabbi and a taco truck. One offers spiritual guidance, while the other fills you up with deliciousness!"
"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. If you want to make a Jewish mother cry, tell her you don't need her advice."
"My son is my greatest joy. I told him that the day he came to me and said he didn’t want to be a doctor, I knew he was going to have a hard life."
"I can't tell you how many times I've been asked about my Jewish identity. I'm like, 'Geez, it’s the same as my non-Jewish identity – it’s complex.'"
"You know you're Jewish when your organization has a committee for your committee."
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."
"Being Jewish means never having to say you're sorry for your sense of humor."
"Only in America can people support their religion by donating a portion of their income at a stand-up comedy club."
"You don't have to be Jewish to love a bagel, but it helps."
"My wife and I went to a lecture on Jewish humor. Let's just say, it was more yawn than yenta."
"Life is a mitzvah, and if it wasn't, we'd all be more miserable."
"I've been blessed with a great deal of good fortune, but I've never lost my sense of humor – mostly because it's too hysterical to let go."
"They say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye."
"Never underestimate the power of a Jewish mother. She'll make you work 10 times harder, even in your sleep."
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"Jewish mothers prefer the guilt option – it's a lot less expensive than therapy."
"You know you're Jewish when your worst enemy is the calorie count on a menu."
"The Jewish faith has taught me that the most valuable thing you can take with you through life is a good punchline."
"Life is like a bagel: you need to find the hole, and then fill it with something special."
"A Jew without a beard is like a man without a soul."
"Money can’t buy happiness, but it can make you a lot more comfortable while you’re being miserable."
"If you don't ask, you don't get."
"I just want to be a saint. But I’ll settle for a decent human being."
"The first Jewish president will be a woman."
"The Jews are not a race, they're a family. A funny, dysfunctional family."
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
"I told my therapist about you. He says I need to stop blaming you for my problems."
"You know you’re Jewish when you’re standing in front of the fridge with the door open and you’re waiting for a miracle."
"I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed winning this award, but I can tell you how much I enjoyed not being asked to give a speech."
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"I’m not arguing; I’m simply explaining why I’m right."
"We put the ‘fun’ in dysfunctional."
"I don’t know if I’m more of a mensch or a schlemiel. It’s a fine line."
"I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food."
"Being a Jew means having a good time — it's just part of our culture."
"A Jewish mother will rear her child to be a successful person. Then she’ll have the child’s father walking around like he’s never seen before."
"God gave us the gift of life; it is up to us to give ourselves the gift of living well."
"We are all the same, so I just look for the humor in it."
"There is no point in crying over spilled milk, unless it’s milk you’ve just poured on matzah."
"In Jewish tradition, we are taught to be humorous. The humor is our weapon against despair."
"Life is a joke — and I’m not laughing."
"I don’t pray for success, I ask for forgiveness."
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. No use being a damn fool about it."
"I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor."
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and to have the two as close together as possible."
"When you’re a little bald Jew, it’s hard to be taken seriously."
"Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours."
"My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it."
"I love the Jewish people. It's the Jews I can't stand."
"If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your mother told you to in the beginning."
"God gave us our relatives. Thank God we can choose our friends."
"The Jews are the smartest people in the world. That's why we don't let them drive."
"A Jewish man marries a woman from another religion. They get into a fight. The man says, 'Do you know what the last ten words are that went through my father's mind?' The wife replies, 'I don't know.' The man says, 'It was when he saw my mother in the kitchen!'"
"People who take care of their bodies are usually in good shape. People who take care of their souls are usually in good spirits."
"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
"I can't really say what I think without putting myself at risk of losing some friends who I don't want to lose, because I don't think it's worth it."
"I was at a bar having a drink with my friend. We were talking about life, and I said, 'I wish I had a good excuse for being late.' My friend said, 'You could always mention your Jewish upbringing.' So I tried it."
"It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer."
"As a child, I was told I could be anything I wanted. ‘So I became a Jew.’"
"I can’t stand it when you hear a rich person say, 'Money doesn’t make you happy.' That’s a lie. Of course it does! It eliminates the inevitable, 'I’m too poor to be happy.'"
"You know you’re Jewish when you can argue over the proper way to eat a bagel."
"The secret to longevity is love. And lots of it. And you can’t have it without being Jewish!"
"I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best."
"Two Jewish friends, one says to another, 'I’m going to therapy.' The second replies, 'Why, what’s wrong? Did you stop eating?'"
"In America, you can make yourself into anything. Just remember the rule: a Jew can be anything a non-Jew can be—if they don't ask too many questions."
"I told my mom I was going to the gym. She said, 'You could just leave it all to the machines, you know!'"
"My grandmother went to the 10 Commandments and she broke them all!"
"The best part of being a comedian is that the audience is always Jewish. The worst part is they think they know how to do it better than you."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception."
"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
"I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
"If you’re going to be wrong, be wrong at the top of your voice."
"I love my Jewish brothers and sisters, but I cannot remember a day when they ever let me be lactose intolerant."
"A Jewish man is in the hospital and a rabbi comes to visit him. ‘How are you feeling?’ asks the rabbi. ‘I feel horrible,’ replies the man. ‘But I keep hearing about patients who had more serious ailments and who recovered. I just don’t understand!’ The rabbi thinks for a while, then he replies, ‘You should be glad you are not one of them.’"
"When they asked me to write a memoir, I said, 'You want my life? Read the second half.'"
"Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable."
"I can’t be on my deathbed and feel like I wasted my time. I plan on being wildly, unapologetically happy. And if I have to take a little chance to get there, I’m all in."
"Is there anything worse than being a Jew in America? Yes, being a short Jew in America."
"A Jewish mother is a woman who melts your heart, but only if you tell her that it’s freezing outside."
"The only time I can’t find my glasses is when I’m hiding them from myself."
"Judaism is not a religion; it is a culture, a people, a history tolled into a faith."
"The Jews have so much talent – my grandmother used to bring me all the local papers just see how many Jews got rich from nothing. It’s like, is that why I’m poor?"
"I’m a Jewish mother, so I can’t do anything without yelling. ‘Come here! Eat! I made the matzo ball soup!'"
"God gave us relatives. Thank God we can choose our friends."
"As a kid, I was always worried about being a Jew. It’s like being a pumpkin in a sea of apples."
"My grandmother is great. She speaks like a rabbi and gives advice like an economist."
"What does a Jewish mother do? She eats, she gives money to groups like the ACLU, and then she gives you advice about your love life whether you want it or not."
"There’s this stereotype about Jews and money – and I have to say, when it comes to my family, it’s uncomfortably accurate!"
"If you had an inferiority complex, would you be so kind as to keep it to yourself?"
"I grew up in a Jewish family where you could joke about everything – just so long as you never made fun of the rabbi."
"If you think you’re going to die, you’re absolutely right! But at least we’re going to laugh about it together!"
"You know you’re a Jewish mother when you’re crying over the food you’ve made."
"A rabbi and a priest are on an airplane. The priest says, 'I would love to see some Jewish literature,' and the rabbi says, 'I would just love to see you try,'"
"Life stinks? You should take it up with my lawyer. He’s Jewish."
"A Jewish boy comes home from school and his mother asks him what he learned today. 'We learned about the Greeks, Mom,' he replies. 'You know the Greeks, right? They believed in education, sport and wisdom.' His mother replies, 'Well, just think! If they were Jewish, they’d have done so much better!'"
"Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you miserable in comfort."
"I'm a Jewish Princess, which means I have a thousand stories to tell—all of them about me."
"The Jews have had their share of the suffering in this world. The challenge has been to make sure they keep their sense of humor about it."
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"We are all God's children; not all of us are Jewish, but we are all fighting for that same promise."
"If at first you don’t succeed, try being Jewish."
"Why do Jewish husbands die before their wives? They want to."
"I was going to do my hair, but then I thought, never mind. My hair will always be there, and at the end of the day, it only matters if you love it."
"First, learn the rules, then break them like a Jewish mother when she sees you with a new girlfriend."
"A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns."
"I don’t want to be remembered as a famous Jew. I want to be remembered as a funny person."
"Jewish humor is essentially about survival; it’s about making laughter out of sorrow."
"I don't think of it as a joke. I think of it as an opportunity!"
"A Jewish man goes to a doctor: 'Doctor, it hurts when I do this!' Doctor: 'Then don’t do that.'"
"I'm not sure how I became a conservative, but I think it was while I was making a left turn."
"My mother said I couldn't get into college. She was Jewish; she said, 'You've got a to put a lot of money in the Catholic schoolbooks!'"
"The best way to lose weight is to make moose manure out of it."
"I've chosen to treat my old age like a glass of wine; when it gets old, I simply change the bottle."
"What’s the difference between a Jewish mother and a Rottweiler? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go."
"As a child, my parents were always telling me what I could and couldn't do. I finally figured out what they meant: they were just allergic to me."
"Why do Jewish men like to watch baseball? Because it's the only time they can see a man running for home base."
"For a Jewish man, the ultimate isolation is when your friends and your family are exactly equal in number."
"Having a family is like a mini-United Nations meeting, except more argumentative and with more hiding of snacks."
"I have a great relationship with my mother-in-law. I got her to give me the family recipe for the matzo ball soup, and I turn it into my own."
"You can take the boy out of the shtetl, but you can't take the shtetl out of the boy."
"After all, everyone knows that if you ask any Jewish mother for a recipe, all you get are instructions—never exact measurements."
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