110 result(s) for Funny Dumb Quotes.
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it."
"I finally got around to reading 'The 10 Habits of Highly Effective People.' I skipped straight to the 'Pe' chapter."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and it froze!"
"If I had a dollar for every time I had a dollar, I'd have a lot of dollars."
"I get plenty of exercise, jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, and carrying on."
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"Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?"
"My therapist says time heals all wounds, so I’ll be out next Tuesday."
"Dear math, I’m not a therapist. Solve your own problems."
"I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"
"Some people see the glass half empty. Others see it half full. I see a glass that’s too big."
"I can’t believe I got fired from a job at a calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet."
"I didn’t think I was a bad cook, but my smoke alarm is my biggest fan."
"I told my friend 10 jokes to make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did."
"Every time I clean the house, I have to step outside and remind myself that I’m a human being, not a maid."
"I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut."
"I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough."
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... and spiders."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me ads for vacations."
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"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"Don't worry if plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters."
"I’m on the patch to recovery... Wait, is that donuts?"
"I've learned that life is like a box of chocolates... you never know what you’re gonna get. But it’s always delicious."
"If a parsley farmer gets sued, can they garnish his wages?"
"I wondered why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me."
"I finally realized that the brain is my second favorite organ."
"There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will get that."
"I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."
"If you don’t want a man to keep his mouth shut, just say ‘I love you’."
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"Never trust math teachers who use graph paper."
"Just because you're trash doesn't mean you can't do great things. It's called trash can, not trash cannot!"
"I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already!"
"I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure."
"I finally figured out what I wanted to be when I grow up. I want to be a kid."
"If I had a dollar for every time I had a dollar, I’d be rich."
"I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. I just can't put it down!"
"I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it!"
"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
"Ever stop to think and forget to start again?"
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
"I wished for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness."
"If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you."
"I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"I'm terrified of elevators, and I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them."
"I drink to make other people interesting."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"A clear conscience is a sign of a fuzzy memory."
"I have a new theory in evolution. I call it 'survival of the least stupid.'"
"I don’t know how I got here, but I know it’s my fault."
"I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, 'They're right behind you.'"
"Clones are a neat solution to not having to give up your favorite birth name."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and it froze."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"The only thing standing between me and my goal is the story I keep telling myself that I can't achieve it."
"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"I once wanted to be a magician, but then I realized, I'm just a master of illusion."
"I'm not short, I'm fun-sized."
"They say laughter is the best medicine. That's why I'm always laughing at my own jokes."
"I thought I was bad at math, but I realize I just don't like numbers."
"Take my advice — I’m not using it."
"I'm not really sure if I’m awake or if this is just another bad dream."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's seven years in a row now."
"If I had a dollar for every time I said that I would be a millionaire."
"My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do."
"I’m not always sarcastic. Sometimes I’m sleeping."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll make an exception."
"Some days I amaze myself. Other days I put my keys in the fridge."
"I'm not sure if I should eat because I'm bored, or if I'm bored because I just ate."
"I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it."
"According to a recent survey, 90% of people don't use statistics to make decisions."
"I have spent my whole life judging the distance between Sophie’s hips."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I am on the patch to glory. You know, I’m trying to cut down on my carbs, so I just eat the ‘pasta’ part of the ‘pastabilities.’"
"Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me ads for vacation packages."
"I’m not lazy. I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack in will."
"I didn’t fail the test; I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"The only thing standing between me and ultimate success is... well, everything."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that."
"I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing."
"I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done."
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