114 result(s) for Funny Drunk Quotes.
"I drink to make other people more interesting."
"I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings, drunks go to parties."
"I wish I had a bottle of whiskey and my mum's roast chicken."
"Drunkenness is nothing but a voluntary madness."
"A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts."
"I never drink when I’m working. I can’t afford the hangover."
"After the first glass, you see things as you wish they were. After the second, you see things as they are not. Finally, you see things as they really are."
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"There's no bad beer. Some are better than others."
"You can't drink a pint of whiskey by yourself. It takes a group of people to drink that much."
"I get a kick out of being a drunk every now and then."
"If you think I’m going to stay sober on a night like this, you’re out of your mind."
"The older I get, the better I was."
"I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer dos equis."
"I saw a sign that said, 'Drink responsibly.' So I did, and I woke up the next morning with a bottle of gin in my hand."
"Drinking is a way of cracking the walls of the heart."
"Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right."
"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I’ve taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."
"The only thing worse than a drunk is a sober idiot."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I don't get drunk, I get awesome."
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"I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. Christmas and July 4th. I drink other times too, but these are the only times I feel guilty about it."
"I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."
"I can't drink any more. I mean, I got my mother-in-law’s funeral in the morning."
"A man walks into a bar, and he orders a fruit salad. The bartender says, 'Sir, this is a bar, we don't serve that.' The man says, 'What? No cocktails?'"
"If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt."
"You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning."
"My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror."
"I'm on the patch. I don't drink so much anymore. Only when I go out with my friends or at an awards show."
"I was about to attack a lady, and then I found out she was my wife!"
"I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I’ve ever met."
"If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter."
"I just got a job at the local library. I’ll be working there until they have to fire me for drinking on the job!"
"I'm on the whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"There are a lot of good women in New York; I just can't seem to find any sober enough to remember their names."
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"I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's seven years in a row now."
"Drinkers may be quite drunk, but they’re not just drunk; they’re also quite sober about it."
"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least, you need a beer."
"I've been on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"A good drink is like a good friend. You should be able to count on it, and it should never let you down."
"There are two kinds of people I can’t stand: those who don’t like drinks and those who don’t like me."
"I'm not really a drinker; I just enjoy using alcohol as a social lubricant."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure."
"The only time I set the bar low is for limbo."
"I only drink on two occasions: when I’m thirsty and when I’m not."
"I have no qualms about drinking. This is a consciousness-raising experience for me."
"Nothing more intoxicating than a few drinks, a nice laugh, and no responsibilities!"
"I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer it to not be a light beer."
"In wine, there is wisdom; in beer, there is freedom; in water, there is bacteria."
"Alcohol: because no great story ever started with someone eating a salad."
"I don't get drunk; I get awesome!"
"I’ve had enough of that wine! Give me a cocktail... or two."
"Why did the man put his money in the blender? Because he wanted to make some liquid assets!"
"Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life."
"I don’t know how to say 'no' to a drink. Can you help me with that?"
"I would like to be remembered as a guy who had a good time, who enjoyed life and didn’t take it too seriously."
"The best beer is the one you’re holding in your hand."
"Life is too short to drink bad wine."
"I only drink to make other people funnier."
"To me, the greatest pleasure of writing is not what it's about, but the music the words make."
"Cheers to all of us who are still figuring it out!"
"I have an existential crisis every time I pop a can."
"I drink to make other people interesting."
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
"I only drink to steady my nerves. Now, they’re steady as a rock."
"I'm on the patch. The patch is a silly thing you wear to stop drinking. And the patch is a drink. One drink, that’s all it takes to give your liver a break!"
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy."
"Bacon and eggs. A lovely breakfast! If I’m not drunk, this lifetime ought to last"
"I'll be the first to admit, I have a drinking problem. I just can't seem to find my drink!"
"Wine is sunlight, held together by water."
"I know I'm drinking too much. When I can't remember, it's time to stop."
"Funny how a glass of wine can fix everything."
"I wish I could be as thin as my patience."
"He who drinks beer sleeps well. He who sleeps well cannot sin. He who does not sin goes to heaven. Amen."
"There are two kinds of people: those who love to drink and those who lie about it."
"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gives it to."
"I'm in shape. Round is a shape."
"If I had a dollar for every drink I’ve ever had, I could probably afford my next drink!"
"Drinking rum before noon makes you a pirate, not an alcoholic."
"I thought I was going to be a writer; I ended up being a drunk."
"I don't drink. I inhale."
"Sometimes, I wish I were a kid again. Skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts."
"I tried to go sober; it was the same old shit, just without the drinks."
"Cheers to the nights that turned into mornings and the friends that turned into family."
"A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts."
"Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… Alone."
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
"I love to sing! But I can't sing. So I drink. And then I sing."
"I tell myself that I’m going to be good, but then I get to the bar, and it’s all over."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I don't drink anymore, I don't drink any less either."
"You can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning."
"I thought I was going to die, but when I got to the bar, the bartender told me that I should keep going!"
"Time flies when you’re having rum."
"A drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts."
"I’m not really a drinker, but I’ll drink to that!"
"I have a great diet. You’re allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with a drink."
"I’m not an alcoholic, I’m just a social drinker... and it's very social."
"I can't find my socks. Simple solution: just drink more beer!"
"Drinking is one of the oldest and simplest pleasures known to man."
"When I drink, I think that I'm a singer. I get sober and realize I'm just a baritone."
"I drink to forget I drink."
"I'll have a martini, shaken, not stirred. Wait... did I order a cocktail?"
"I always carry a flask in my bag. You never know when a party will break out!"
"I’m in shape. Round is a shape!"
"Drink good beer with good friends."
"Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness."
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the Bible says, 'Love your enemy.'"
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"The greatest T-shirt I could wear is just a bottle."
"To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."
"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."
"My drinking doesn’t cause problems, but it kind of fixed my personality."
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