98 result(s) for Funny Celebrity Quotes.
"I don’t need you to tell me how great I am."
"People say I’m crazy. I don’t know what they’re talking about; I’m just a little touched."
"I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis."
"I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"I'm on the patch right now. I'm addicted to the patch!"
"I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I may have to reconsider my position on public restroom stalls."
"I’ve been in relationships where we’ve broken up, gotten back together, broken up, gotten back together, and then died."
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"I’m really just a big kid. I like kid things. I like candy, toys, and animals."
"You know you’re old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"The only thing I take seriously is being unserious."
"I think there should be a bag of flour on every corner in America just to remind us how low our standards can go."
"If I was going to die, I would want to be on stage at the end of a show; the lights are bright, the audience is laughing, and you don’t really know what’s happening until it’s over."
"I have a lot of fun in my life. But I'm a lot of fun at the dinner table :)"
"I don’t have a bank account, because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name."
"If you’re going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now."
"If you can’t laugh at yourself, you might as well laugh at everybody else."
"You know you're in a bad place when your therapist is more messed up than you are."
"I didn’t reference the Waffle House, I mentioned A Waffle House. There’s a big difference."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"When you’re in prison, you can only watch two channels: M-TV and the Weather Channel, and if that don’t work, you can always watch the Bob Barker show."
"I’m just a big fan of the other side of the coin, which happens to be a lot funnier."
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"A man is only as good as what he loves."
"When I was a kid, I wanted to be a millionaire just like my dad!"
"My career is like a roller coaster ride. Some days I’m up, and some days I’m down, but at least I’m enjoying the ride."
"I’m a genius, but it took me a long time to realize it."
"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."
"I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name."
"I told my wife the truth. I said, 'I’m going to kill you.' She said, 'You better not.'"
"I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I think I am, therefore, I am... I think."
"I’ve learned that if you take yourself too seriously, you’re probably doing something wrong."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I’ve got a great ambition to die of exhaustion rather than boredom."
"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done."
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"I don’t need you to be perfect. I need you to be you."
"I think of myself as an artist. I can’t help it. I’m just a star."
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"If you're going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you're going to be locked up."
"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they had no holidays."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I always forget to remember, I never forget to forget."
"To be happy you must be your own sunshine."
"I know that there are people who have a lot of money and travel a lot, but they don’t have happiness."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
"I’m on the patch right now. It’s like a nicotine patch, but instead of smoking, I’m cutting out the stupid people."
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure."
"I don't know what I’m doing, but I know I’m doing it really, really well."
"I’m not saying I’m the best, but I’m pretty close."
"I always thought that if I had a kid, I wouldn’t be able to love them as much as my dog. But now that I’ve had a kid, I can’t believe how much I love both!"
"Some people are like Slinkies. They’re really good for nothing, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs."
"I’m so glad we were able to keep this a secret! Nobody suspected a thing! The hotel staff was completely in the dark! And then they saw the camera crew."
"A lot of people say I’m cute, but I think I’m just misunderstood."
"I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal."
"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are."
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals; I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"I think I’m funny, and I think that’s what matters."
"What I like about cities is that they show that there’s magic in the everyday."
"I had a roommate who was a fan of heavy metal and was really into animals, but he never had a decent gainful job, which made having a pet difficult."
"Sometimes I think I am a robot. I have all these random thoughts and emotions just like one!"
"My therapist told me a long time ago that I shouldn’t be afraid to be myself. I was like, 'Great, but who the hell am I?!'"
"Everything I do, I do it for the laughs. If I can make one person smile, it’s worth it."
"I didn’t choose a career in comedy; it chose me. Or, well, I think it did. I’m still figuring it out."
"I’m a fun dad. I do the fun stuff, like teaching the kids to ride their bikes; falling off my skateboard in front of them."
"I’m in the prime of my life. I’m kind of like those fine wines that get better with age… except I’m more like a cheese that doesn’t really age well."
"I don’t need your approval, I have five kids who don’t care what I think."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
"I’m on the patch program right now. I think I’m going to go for the whole pie."
"I have a split personality,"
"The only time I really open my mouth is when I’m about to eat."
"I can't believe I’m on a list with so many great people, including Robin Williams. I feel like a llama among goats."
"I’ve always wondered why the world didn’t end in 2000. Apparently, the computers were like, ‘Uh oh, let’s hold off on this whole end of the world thing.’"
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"I’ve had a wonderful time, but this wasn’t it."
"I finally decided on a career. I wanted to be a professional liar. So I decided to simply become an actor."
"I want to be a millionaire, just like my dad!"
"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."
"I think they should call it a ‘funny bone’ because you can’t really touch it because it’s too hard."
"The term 'burnout' scares me. It makes me feel like a cracked egg in the microwave."
"I have all the money I’ll ever need. I just don’t have it yet."
"I don’t really drink very much, so I mean, I just don’t think that’s a great idea."
"I told my wife the truth. I said I would never lie to her. But my wife still has a few doubts about that answer."
"I think the best of us are the fools that don't have any sense."
"I may be a bad artist, but I'm a fabulous contestant on Wheel of Fortune."
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"If you’re going to make a show about stupid people, you should probably put one smart person on it to make it interesting."
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