109 result(s) for Funny Dirty Quotes For Adults.
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals; I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"I always give 100% at work: 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, and 5% on Friday."
"Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any."
"If you think I'm dirty, it's only because you haven't seen my mind!"
"The only thing worse than a family dinner is a family dinner with no wine."
"They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said."
"I'm in shape... Round is a shape."
"The only time I feel truly alive is when I'm doing something bad."
"I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always."
"I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right!"
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"If you can’t laugh at yourself, I will gladly do it for you."
"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
"I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode."
"You're never too old to throw a tantrum."
"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!"
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"I don’t mind going back to daylight savings time. With inflation, the hour will be even more precious."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"Sex is like pizza. Even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two engineers, and a bartender."
"You can’t be sad when you’re holding a cupcake."
"They say money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’"
"Love is sharing your popcorn. Even the dirty parts."
"I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I stabbed her. Now we wait."
"I don’t need a parachute. I’m going to fly."
"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."
"I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure."
"I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time."
"I thought I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"Whoever said 'money can’t buy happiness' simply didn’t know where to go shopping."
"I’d like to be a unicorn, so I can be a magically annoying creature, too."
"I have a split personality, and so does my other self."
"The worst thing about being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."
"I plan to live forever. So far, so good."
"My life feels like a test I didn’t study for."
"I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"If you can't make it good, at least make it look good."
"The woman who doesn't need validation from anyone is the most feared individual on the planet."
"I think the best way to solve most of the world’s problems is with a little bit of intelligence and a lot of humor."
"I love to laugh; it’s my favorite pastime. Only a dirty mind can turn even the most innocent things into comical masterpieces."
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and you have to stomp on them to create that fine vintage."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"If you’re going to be a smartass, you better be smart. If I wanted to hear from a smartass, I’d just burp."
"The only life I had was one filled with dirty jokes and restrained laughter."
"Sex is a part of nature. I go along with nature."
"Inside me there’s a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies."
"I thought I was going to die alone in a dirty apartment, but thankfully, I was wrong. I just died in a dirty apartment."
"I don’t know why I’m so afraid of dying. I can barely get through a Tuesday."
"I can’t seem to escape the idea that I’m a dirty little secret. Well, maybe that’s what makes life so fun."
"I can’t explain my dirty thoughts… But they involve a lot of good food and some very colorful characters."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
"Always remember: you’re unique, just like everyone else."
"I cannot brain today; I have the dumb."
"If I were to die right now, I’d hope someone would at least bring snacks to my funeral."
"I spent a lot of time holding my tongue. Turns out, that’s a great workout for the mind, but my mouth is still a little dirty."
"A clean house is a sign of a broken computer."
"The only thing semi-clean about me is my vocabulary. Everything else… well, let’s just say I don’t mop often."
"I like my coffee like I like my men: strong, hot, and keep me awake at night."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I could give up chocolate, but I won’t."
"If you think I’m dirty, you should see what I eat for breakfast."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth. She was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"The only bad thing about being a comedian is that you can’t hang out with your friends. You’re always busy doing something filthy."
"I think my sex life is like the film 'Titanic.' It starts off fairly exciting, but ends with a lot of people getting wet."
"I can already tell you that the best thing you can do with your life is to have a dirty mind and a clean conscience."
"I was going to take over the world, but I overslept. Postponed. Again."
"I'm on the patch for my sex addiction. It's like a nicotine patch except it doesn't work."
"I have been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
"My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"I'm in shape. Round is a shape."
"I told my husband that he should do lunges to stay in shape. That was a big step forward."
"Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably crap."
"I don't do yoga. I don't care how many times they tell me it's good for my sex life. I'm just not doing it."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals that are."
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"I laugh at my own jokes because I know that no one else will."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"Some people bring happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go."
"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I'm not a 'funny' person, I'm a 'dirty' person - I just need the right audience."
"I have a very dirty mind. I usually think of things that are, let's say, a little less innocent."
"A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"I don't have a dirty mind; I have a sexy imagination."
"My wife and I have a secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have some good food, and listen to some nice music. She goes Tuesdays; I go Fridays."
"When in doubt, get its name. And then get its number."
"The only reason I go to bed is to get up the next day for more fun."
"Do you know what I like best about a pair of breasts? Two of them!"
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
