122 result(s) for Funny Asian Quotes.
"Don't take life too seriously; you'll never get out of it alive."
"Life is too important to be taken seriously."
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
"The secret of good humor is to reflect on the humorous side of life, even when things aren't going your way."
"If at first, you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and it froze!"
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"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now."
"I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact."
"I am on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"I told my therapist about my procrastination problem. We are going to talk about it next week."
"I just found out I’m not much of a leader, but I am a great follower."
"My goal this weekend is to move... just enough so people won’t think I’m dead."
"The best part of life is when your family becomes your friends, and your friends become your family."
"Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you."
"I don’t need an inspirational quote. I need coffee."
"A smile is a curve that sets everything straight."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve it through not dying."
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"You can’t make everybody happy. You aren’t a taco."
"I'm not really sure what my spirit animal is, but I'm pretty sure it has rabies."
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me KitKat ads."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"If we aren't supposed to eat midnight snacks, why is there even a light in the fridge?"
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I finally realized that the only one who can make me happy is me, and I am allergic to self-pity."
"The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."
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"I can’t even think straight. I have to take a shower because I feel unclean from all the other people’s energy."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"I wish I was as thin as my excuses."
"I’m just going to “wing it” until I realize I can’t fly."
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito."
"Life is too short to be serious, so if you can't laugh at yourself, call me!"
"I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals; I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
"I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor."
"I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"I’m so glad we had this time together, just to have a laugh, or sing a song."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."
"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that."
"I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you."
"When I was a kid, I wanted to be older. This is not what I expected."
"Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice."
"I can’t understand why people are afraid of new ideas. I’m afraid of the old ones."
"Every time I’m in a room, I get a little nervous. It’s partly because I’m Asian and I’m built for the American economy."
"I have a feeling that we are going to be very happy together, unless you see my driving."
"I don't know what is wrong with my computer, but why won't it burn my CDs like my dad's old car burns gas."
"I’m a proud Asian-American - and you better respect me or you’ll be eating my Kung Pao chicken."
"In China, it is considered rude to ask someone about their age. But I think they words it as, 'You look younger than you are.'"
"I told my parents I wanted to be a comedian; they just laughed. I guess they thought I was joking."
"My mother said: 'Do whatever you want. Just don’t embarrass me when you do it.'"
"People think that being Asian means you have to be mathematical geniuses. I don't do math!"
"My dad was always telling me to study hard. But he also pushed me to have a good sense of humor."
"Being Asian in America is like being a minority within a minority. You learn how to laugh in your own language."
"I always thought that if you don’t have a big family, you don’t have a good excuse to have leftover food."
"You know you're Asian when you were told to 'take off your shoes' before you even step in the door."
"Everyone in my family is a doctor except me. I’m the only one who pursued stand-up comedy. Who's the idiot now?"
"In an Asian family, it's always 'yes, we support you... but only if you become a doctor first.'"
"As an Asian, I live in a world of stereotypes. And I say, let's start with the good ones!"
"When I was in school, my favorite subject was lunch."
"Asian parents make you feel like your life will end if you don’t get an A+. And that’s when the fun begins."
"Being half-Asian is like living in two completely different worlds - one where no one knows how to pronounce your name right."
"My mom said, go be a doctor. I said no, and now my family thinks I'm a black sheep."
"It’s not that I don’t respect your opinion. It’s just that it’s wrong!"
"My favorite part about being Asian? Breaking the stereotype of being bad at dancing."
"If at first you don’t succeed, use chopsticks!"
"You’ve never truly eaten until you’ve had your mom's leftovers – even if it’s been in the fridge for a week."
"Why do we have to ask if we’re dating someone when it’s painfully obvious that we are? We're either married or just friends at that point."
"I’m not a chef, I’m a cook. A cook that can do silly things on television."
"I think my mom is my biggest fan. But if she weren’t my mom, she wouldn’t watch my show."
"The only thing my dad ever taught me about cooking is that if you want to impress someone, just throw a few green things on the plate."
"In Asian cultures, it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. Most of the communication is non-verbal."
"How do you know you’re Asian? You don’t know when you’re going to die, but you know you’ll die disappointed."
"I’m very good at being awkward. It’s just something I’ve honed over the years, especially being Asian."
"Asian parents believe that all of their kids are going to be doctors or lawyers. If you’re not, you get a prize for just surviving."
"When I was growing up, I realized that if I wasn’t a doctor or a lawyer, I was definitely going to end up in comedy."
"You can have a great job, but if you can’t make them laugh, what’s the point?"
"My parents used to say, 'You’ll never get anywhere in life without a degree.' I said, 'How about comedy?'"
"The ultimate goal of cooking rice is to provide a delicious, fluffy experience but what you usually end up with is a big sticky mess."
"I grew up around a lot of cultural differences; humor is just a wonderful way for me to dive into that."
"When you’re Asian-American, you can’t even tell your parents you want to be an artist without them asking what was wrong."
"Before you can be funny, you have to be afraid of your parents."
"There are days when my mom calls me and yells at me for not being a doctor. It’s just a way of showing love."
"When the teacher tells you to make something from scratch, they really don’t mean it. Get that come from a can!"
"The family that laughs together, stays together—unless it’s a family of comedians, then they’re all just competing!"
"Asian-American comedians are like the missing link in comedy. We exist, we’re just hiding behind our smarter friends."
"In a restaurant, everyone speaks their special love language—food!"
"We’re never going to be satisfied until we have everyone laughing so hard that they realize they’re basically all in the same boat."
"If you can’t relate to Asian parents, you’re just not trying hard enough to forgive."
"I thought I was a normal kid, but then I realized I was just weird—Asian weird."
"Rice is life. Without it, you’re just another white person."
"Every Asian kid is an engineer at heart, and we write our own code of humor."
"I’m not saying my mom raised me wrong, but I am saying she raised me the way a ninja would raise someone."
"We all have our struggles, but they’re funnier when we share them with others."
"Cooking is a form of art, and if it doesn’t come with a few dad jokes, I’d say you’re missing out!"
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