117 result(s) for Funny Quotes For Work.
"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."
"If each day is a gift, I would like to know where to return Mondays."
"I used to work for a company that made lighters. We had a great deal of spark."
"I feel like I’m already working for a bad boss."
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
"I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
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"I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you."
"I am on my way to a job interview, or as I like to call it, 'the last chance to revert to my old self.'"
"I took an interview today for a new job. The interviewer seemed nice until I saw his productivity tracker."
"Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"There's so much more to life than work. You know, like tacos and dessert."
"I would like to be able to quit my job and take care of dessert full-time."
"Your job is a lot like a father's love… you want it so bad, but sometimes it’s just not there."
"I can’t believe I got fired for not putting in enough of an effort. I mean, that’s literally what I was not hired for!"
"Tuesday is the day I actually start the week. Monday is just a pregame."
"Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Unless you're a janitor, then dress for the job you have."
"I used to work for a company that made blankets. It’s a real cover-up."
"If I had a dollar for every time I had to remind you, I’d have a lot of dollars."
"A coworker is someone who is always there for you at work, especially when you need help moving your heavy IKEA furniture!"
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"My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home."
"The only time I feel like a superhero is when I turn in my expense report."
"Teamwork makes the dream work, and coffee makes the teamwork possible."
"Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything. Just like some coworkers."
"I’m on the patch to success at work, but I keep getting distracted by Netflix."
"I can’t believe I’m getting paid for this. Wait — what am I being paid to do?"
"I can't imagine why you'd want to work at home. I mean, there are no distractions at work. Like, five coffees are waiting for me!"
"Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice!"
"I don't always complain at work, but when I do, it's about my coworkers."
"I work well with others when they leave me alone."
"I wish I could be as thin as my patience for work."
"If work was so rewarding, the rich would keep it all to themselves."
"I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either."
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it — usually during lunch break."
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"I told my boss that I needed a raise. He laughed. I laughed. We both laughed. Why? Because I’m not getting a raise."
" Mondays are the start of the workweek, which offer new beginnings 52 times a year!"
"Work is like a tree, it needs to be trimmed — and some branches should probably be cut off entirely."
"I'm not crazy, my reality is just different from yours — especially at work."
"Sometimes I inspire my coworkers; other times I just need coffee to survive the day."
"I don’t mind coming to work, it’s the eight-hour wait to go home that I can’t stand."
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
"The only time I really get to think is when I’m doing nothing at work."
"I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell you later."
"I used to love my job as a banker, but then I lost interest."
"Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?"
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I told my boss that three employees were stealing from the office. He said 'Really? How do you know?' I said 'I’m the one who counted them.'"
"The best part about being over 40 is that you did most of your stupid stuff before the internet."
"I don’t work weekends. It’s my time to prepare for Monday."
"When there's a will, there's a relative."
"I can’t believe I’m being paid to be here. It’s like I’m living the dream!"
"Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done."
"Monday is the day that my coffee needs coffee."
"I don’t want to work; I just want to bang on the drum all day!"
"It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer."
"If your boss is not in your dreams, he is not in your life."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it during work."
"Work hard and be kind, and amazing things will happen."
"I didn't fail the test; I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"The problem is not that people are taxed too little, the problem is that government spends too much."
"A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory."
"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on."
"Today’s a great day to start fresh and eat cake!"
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
"The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when they fill out a job application."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter."
"My job is secure. No one else wants it."
"I told my boss that three people were not doing their jobs. He said I was being too negative."
"Just because you have to work, doesn't mean you can't pretend you're on vacation."
"Work until your bank account looks like a phone number."
"You don’t have to be crazy to work here. We’ll train you."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"The reward for good work is more work."
"Meetings: where minutes are kept and hours are lost."
"I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I just couldn’t put up with the stress."
"I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn’t look good either."
"Hard work pays off later, but laziness pays off now."
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"I don’t always work, but when I do, I prefer to do it from home."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I cannot find a solution, but I can certainly find a problem!"
"There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting."
"Procrastinate now, don’t put it off."
"When you work hard, you can get upgrade options with your job like you can with video games."
"I don't need to be a millionaire. I just want to be worth more than a million."
"To err is human; to blame it on someone else is even more human."
"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."
"My boss told me to have a good day... so I went home."
"I am not lazy. I am on energy-saving mode."
"Every time I try to escape the clutches of my job, I find it has a stronger grip."
"Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now."
"The only thing worse than being in a meeting is being in a meeting that could have been an email."
"I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke."
"If each day is a gift, I would like to know where I can return Monday."
"To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer."
"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"I told my boss that three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We laughed together. He went back to work, and I went home."
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
"Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that it’s only Wednesday."
"I had a job interview today. I think I interviewed the interviewer."
"Working hard or hardly working? That is the question."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I'm going to need more coffee, and maybe an oxygen tank, to get through this meeting."
"If your boss is not a comedian, you better start practicing your stand-up routine for the next office party!"
"You're never too old to learn something stupid."
"The only reason I have a job is because I didn't want to embarrass my parents by living in their basement."
"Sometimes I wonder what happened to the people who asked me for job references."
"I can't believe I’m almost 30. I’m still following my boss’s advice from when I was 18: keep pretending you’re mature."
"The best part of my job is that I get to work with people who appreciate my sarcasm."
"I’m just a girl, standing in front of my desk, asking for coffee."
"They say money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’"
"I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing."
"I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted a paycheck."
"The only way to do great work is to love what you do. Or at least pretend you do."
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