91 result(s) for Funny American Quotes.
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her."
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I'm on the patch right now, but I'll be back shortly. It's more fun to be here than working on the set of 90210."
"The only thing standing between me and my goal is the knowledge that I should be doing something else."
"If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people."
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"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
"I'm in shape. Round is a shape."
"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t want to."
"The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth."
"I have to be successful because I like expensive things."
"I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn’t lose any voters."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"If you can't explain it to a six-year-old, you don't understand it yourself."
"My therapist said I have a preoccupation for revenge. We’ll see about that."
"I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
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"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."
"I am on the patch diet. I only eat foods that are labeled 'patches.'"
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."
"Don't worry if plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"My therapist told me that time heals all wounds, so I pulled out a clock."
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it."
"The only thing standing between me and my goal is the story I keep telling myself as to why I can’t achieve it."
"I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work."
"To be happy, you must be your own sunshine."
"I wish I had a dollar for every time I had a dollar."
"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
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"The best way to predict your future is to create it."
"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough."
"I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere."
"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance."
"The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength; not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack in will."
"I just want to be rich enough to always get a good seat at the movies."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that."
"I’m not lazy. I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"The only thing standing between me and my goal is the lunch I didn’t finish."
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
"I have a great sense of humor about my weight. I don't care how heavy you think I am. I always seem to be lighter when I go to the bathroom."
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
"The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
"I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it."
"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done."
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana."
"A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"Don't worry if plan A doesn't work, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet."
"I'm not offended by blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb. I also know that I'm not blonde."
"I am not arguing with you, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you."
"I told my therapist about my addiction to social media. He said I should quit posting. So I started a new account."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I know money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a boat. And I’d rather cry on a boat."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?"
"I don't need a therapist. I have a best friend."
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"I've finally taught myself how to live in the moment, unless the moment is boring. In that case, I prefer to be a memory."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep."
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"I finally realized that I’m not an idiot… I’m just really, really, really bad at certain things."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and it froze."
"It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer."
"If you can’t laugh at yourself, I’ll be happy to do it for you."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"Never trust an atom; they make up everything!"
"We’re all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour."
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