106 result(s) for Funny Dad Quotes.
"I told my kids I was going to put a map on our wall and they asked, 'Why?' I said, 'So you can find your way to the refrigerator!' "
"Dad, I'm cold. Why don't you go stand in the corner? It's 90 degrees."
"If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."
"I'm on the patch right now because I never went out without my dad."
"I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something."
"Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they will fit me."
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"I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"
"Only a dad can have the audacity to say no to a joke about dad jokes."
"I have a fear of hurdles, but I’m slowly getting over it!"
"You know, I don't want things to change, but then every day I wake up and they're still the same. Like a groundhog day!"
"I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the yellow!"
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised!"
"I asked my wife to let me know the next time she has an orgasm. She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I'm at work."
"You know what I like about people? They are always in good shape. Like half-moons!"
"I wanted to lose weight, so I went to the paint store. I must’ve bought the wrong color; I didn’t lose any at all."
"A dad joke is like a kid’s joke except, instead of laughter, it generates a groan!"
"Looking for an elevator is like searching for love; often, you are staring at the wrong buttons!"
"If dad can't fix it, we're all screwed!"
"The only thing better than having you as my dad is my kids having you as their granddad!"
"It’s important to have a dad in your life. They bring you grounded reality, mostly in the form of dad jokes!"
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"When in doubt, just pull the dad card and tell them the story about how you used to walk to school in the snow... uphill both ways."
"Dad: 'I'm going to tell you a joke about pizza.' Me: 'Just bring it!'"
"I'm on the patch right now, I'm really trying to give up my dad bod."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I told my kids that they couldn’t run in the house. They said, 'You can’t fly in the house either, but here you are!'"
"Why did the dad cross the road? To get to the other side of the dad joke."
"Dad, I'm cold. Go stand in the corner. It's 90 degrees."
"I'm not a regular dad, I'm a cool dad."
"Have you seen the size of that chicken?"
"I'm a dad. That’s the way. This is my life now."
"The only thing I love more than being a dad is being a dad with a sense of humor."
"I can't believe my kids are going back to school. Summer lasted forever, and now it’s back to the 7:00 AM wake-ups!"
"As a dad, I can't take my life too seriously. Otherwise, I might crack up."
"I put the ‘dad’ in 'dad jokes'."
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"I told my kids I could take them anywhere. They said, 'Anywhere? Really? Even to the moon?' I said, 'Yes, as long as it’s a realistic budget!'"
"Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me."
"Sometimes I think I’m a bad dad. Then I remember I forgot to give my kids dessert last night. They were lucky they even got dinner!"
"A dad is someone who wants to catch you before you fall but instead picks you up, brushes you off, and lets you try again."
"You know you're a dad when you can recite all the characters in your kid's favorite cartoon and still remember how to change a tire."
"Dad, you're like a software update. Whenever I see you, I think, 'Not now.'"
"I have a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."
"You’re the best dad I ever had... because you have no competition!"
"Why did the dad cross the road? To get to the other side… of the couch!"
"As a dad, my job is to make my kids laugh. And if I have to embarrass them in the process, so be it!"
"I've learned that there is no greater joy for a father than to see his child thrive… and also to see the laundry done."
"Dad: the man, the myth, the legend… and the reason your friends think you're weird."
"Being a dad is like folding a fitted sheet. No one really knows how."
"Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope."
"I never wanted to be a dad! Everyone else just called it a 'midlife crisis.'"
"I’m a dad, and I have a lot of jokes. Most of them are dad jokes, but hey, those count too!"
"Just remember: the older you get, the better you were at sports."
"The only thing children wear out faster than shoes is parents."
"Why did the dad joke? To make his kids groan!"
"Being a dad is like riding a bike—except the bike is on fire, and you're on fire, and everything is on fire because you're in hell."
"To dad: the one who taught us that there's no problem a dad joke can't make worse!"
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"You can't be unhappy in the middle of a big, unmade bed."
"Dad, are we there yet? I'm bored! – A phrase I never wanted to hear on our road trips."
"I told my kids that if they ever had a dad joke to just use it. They thought I was just being funny, but I meant it."
"I just saw my life flash before my eyes. It was my kids showing me their report cards."
"They say laughter is the best medicine. I guess that's why my dad always prescribed a dad joke."
"I could tell a dad joke about pizza, but it's just too cheesy!"
"Fatherhood is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park."
"Being a dad is 80% making a mess and 20% cleaning it up."
"I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it."
"Dad: A title just above king."
"I don’t always tell dad jokes, but when I do, he laughs."
"I told my kids to embrace their mistakes. They cried. Then I hugged my kids."
"My dad used to be a baker, but he couldn't make enough dough."
"I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"
"What's the best part about dad jokes? They never go out of style!"
"I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy!"
"Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? He made a mint!"
"If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?"
"You can't be sad when you’re holding a cupcake."
"What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"
"Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired!"
"I'm like a dad joke – bad but still kind of funny."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"A dad joke is like a dad-bod, it just fits."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space."
"I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough."
"Life doesn't have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes."
"If I could be any vegetable, I’d be a ‘couch potato’."
"I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something."
"Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts."
"I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!"
"I would tell a joke about an elevator, but it’s an uplifting experience."
"Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"I have a fear of hurdles, but I’m slowly getting over it."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."
"The only thing I throwback on Thursdays is a cocktail."
"I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"Don’t trust people who do yoga. They’re always trying to stretch the truth."
"I don’t really need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"My dad always said, 'You don’t need an excuse to be late, just have a good story!'"
"Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk uphill both ways to school—in the snow!"
"You know you’re a dad when the word ‘dad’ immediately adds 10 pounds to your weight."
"Whenever I don’t have my phone, I get so lost. It’s like my inner dad told me to stop and I forgot how to ask for directions."
"Remember, kids don't need a reason to laugh. But adults need a dad joke to laugh at."
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