102 result(s) for Smart Funny Quotes.
"I’m on the patch right now. I can’t do any more than I’m doing right now. It’s not like I’m going to do it in a glue factory."
"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer."
"I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you."
"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter."
"I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"A clear conscience is a sign of a fuzzy memory."
"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."
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"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
"If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I’d be out of money."
"I always wanted to be somebody. Now I realize I should have been more specific."
"I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until next week."
"I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me."
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
"I may be a bad influence, but I'm fun."
"A joke a day keeps the doctor away. If the doctor laughs, it's even better."
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results."
"I think I am, therefore I am... I think."
"The only thing standing between me and my goal is the little voice in my head that says I can’t achieve it."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
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"I am not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back."
"I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious."
"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."
"I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I would be a good parent. I have a great sense of humor and a lot of wisdom to share."
"I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day."
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance."
"I have a feeling that when my heart stops beating, it won’t be from a heart attack… it will be from laughing too hard."
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target."
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"My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I stabbed her. Now we wait."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."
"A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"Don't worry if plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
"I finally realized that the only reason I’m not in control of my life is because I don’t have a life coach."
"The only thing standing between me and my goal is the story I keep telling myself as to why I can't achieve it."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception."
"I don't have a bank account because I don't have any money to put into it."
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
"If you think you're too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito."
"I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I’ve become an optimist. I might even start to believe that I don’t have to be sarcastic all the time."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
"I have nothing to declare except my genius."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."
"I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"I know the voices in my head aren’t real, but sometimes their ideas are absolutely awesome!"
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I am on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"The great thing about multitasking is that several things can go wrong at once."
"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
"I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, 'They're right behind you.'"
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
"My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry."
"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I’m on the patch right now. It’s a series of pictures on Instagram that encourage me to get my life together."
"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."
"I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"I was going to lose weight, but I just decided to stay the same. Less pressure that way."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I finally found a diet that works. I just don’t eat anything fit for human consumption."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
"My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I’m off to find some wounds that are healing."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere."
"Everything is funny as long as it’s happening to somebody else."
"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any."
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"There are two types of people: those who think there are two types of people, and those who don’t."
"If you can’t convince them, confuse them."
"I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"I have an existential crisis in my cereal bowl every morning."
"Don’t worry if plan A doesn’t work; the alphabet has 25 more letters."
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