104 result(s) for Hilarious Old-Time Quotes.
"I didn’t make it all the way through school; I’m no good at math. But I know this much: you take my wife, and it’s going to be a good time."
"I have nothing to declare except my genius."
"I’m on the patch right now. You know what I mean? I’m off the drugs, but let’s just say it was a long, dark time."
"Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy."
"I live in my own little world. But it’s okay, they know me here."
"To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others."
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing."
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"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"There are two kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t."
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years."
"The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack in will."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma."
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
"Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable."
"I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
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"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it."
"There are two types of people: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data."
"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat."
"I always give 100% at work. 13% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, and so on."
"Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you're a cheese."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"I find television very instructive. Every time someone turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I’m on the patch right now, and it’s like wearing a terrible sweater."
"They say money talks, but all mine says is 'Goodbye.'"
"I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"If you can’t convince them, confuse them."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I wasn't always this funny. I used to be serious until I got to know myself better."
"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."
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"I have never met a man so ignorant I couldn't learn something from him."
"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry."
"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
"The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen."
"It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end."
"I would not waste my life in friction when I could achieve it inFeedback."
"I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were."
"I can resist anything but temptation."
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on."
"I'm on the patch right now. I can't tweet when I'm on the patch."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure."
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"A person's a person, no matter how small."
"You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream."
"I’m no chicken; I’m a turkey!"
"Men marry because they are sick of being single; women because they are curious whether men are really as stupid as they say."
"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
"My therapist told me a little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."
"There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't."
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
"If you think you're too small to be effective, you've never been in bed with a mosquito."
"I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I have saved this year."
"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Whatever you do, do it slowly; it will last longer."
"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"I remixed a remix. It was back to normal."
"I can't even think straight!"
"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."
"It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer."
"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory."
"My boss is going to fire the office clown today. I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
"There are only two things a man can do with a woman. He can love her or he can leave her alone."
"I'm so glad we had this time together, just to have a laugh or sing a song."
"Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?"
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"There is nothing sadder than a young pessimist."
"The secret of happiness is to make others believe they are the cause of it."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny."
"I'm on the patch right now, and it's wearing off!"
"A clear conscience is a sign of a fuzzy memory."
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
"I have no idea what I'm doing, but I know I'm doing it with confidence."
"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
"I’m in shape. Round is a shape."
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