116 result(s) for Funny Quotes For Husband.
"I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it."
"Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade."
"My husband and I are like a really small gang."
"If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I have some great jokes about tacos, but I’m afraid they might be too cheesy for you."
"I don't know what makes you so dumb, but it really works."
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"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
"My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said."
"Husbands are like fine wine: they take a long time to mature."
"A good husband is never in a hurry to shoo you out of the house."
"Women can’t do everything at once. It’s all about priorities. And right now, it’s all about making dinner while the husband sits on the couch."
"Love is sharing your popcorn. Even when there's just one piece left."
"My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down."
"Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious: both are disappointed."
"They say that when a man falls in love, he turns to a fool. But when a woman falls in love, she turns to a wife."
"Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice."
"My husband thinks he's the boss, but he found out early on that my dog is."
"There are two types of people in this world: those who swear by their husbands – and those who swear at them."
"I married my husband for his money, but I must say I do enjoy his company."
"Guys are like stars. There are millions of them, but only one makes your dreams come true."
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"The secret to a happy marriage is simple: If you can get your husband to laugh, you win."
"My husband is a human being. The only problem is that he’s half human and half being."
"I married my husband for the way he waits for me to make dinner."
"Husbands are like children. They should be seen and not heard."
"Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious: both are disappointed."
"I told my husband that he needed to start treating me like a queen. He went and bought me a crown."
"My husband is the only person I know who would get excited about a package of socks."
"A good husband is never the first to go to sleep at night or the last to awake in the morning."
"Before marriage, a man will lay down his life for you; after marriage, he won’t even pull out the garbage."
"I have a husband who is an absolute gem, and every time I find him, I store him proudly."
"In marriage, a man becomes like a fine wine. He gets better as he ages. The wife, on the other hand, is more like a good cheese... a little smelly, but good for the soul."
"A husband is what is left of a lover after the nerve has been extracted."
"I told my husband he should do lunges to stay in shape. That was a big step forward."
"My husband and I share the responsibility of cleaning the house: I clean... he looks."
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"I love my husband. He’s just a bit of an idiot."
"To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. But to be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all."
"A husband is a man's best friend if he is a good husband."
"I may not be perfect, but at least I’m not a husband."
"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. Or at least, trying not to fall out of love while they’re hogging the remote."
"Do you know what I love most about our marriage? You’re a little bit crazy and I love that about you."
"A husband is like a fire. He goes out when unattended."
"Never forget that the happiest day of your life was the day you said, ‘I do,’ and the saddest day was the day your husband forgot that you said, ‘I do.’"
"My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder sometimes, but never divorce."
"I told my husband that he should do lunges to stay in shape. That was a big step forward."
"I have a husband. I have a dog. I have a garden. I have a great life. But if I meet a billionaire willing to buy me a car, I can reevaluate."
"If I had to choose between my husband and my dog, I think I would miss the dog more."
"I married Mr. Right. I just didn't know his first name was Always."
"There’s a fine line between a husband and a handyman."
"My husband is a material girl. He likes things."
"I love my husband, but sometimes I wonder if he has any idea how vast the universe is."
"Whatever you give a man, he will use it to get what he wants. If you give him a woman, he will use her to get the things he lost when he was a child."
"A good husband should never be the first to go to sleep at night or the last to awake in the morning."
"I don't know if you can be married and still be a man, but at least you can be married and pretend."
"Marriage: A relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband."
"My husband thinks he's the boss of the house. I’ve got news for him: I am!"
"There are only two times that a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage."
"Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade!"
"My husband is my best friend, but it is a very complicated friendship at times."
"When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to be doing it."
"I don’t think of my marriage as a compromise. I think of it as give and take – a lot more giving than taking!"
"When I get a little money I buy books; and if there is any left over, I buy food and clothes."
"I told my husband that he should do lunges to stay in shape. That was a huge step forward."
"My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder often, but never divorce."
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
"A perfect husband is one who does what his wife tells him to do."
"I married Mr. Right. I just didn't know his first name was 'Always.'"
"My husband thinks he's a real catch. But to be honest, I've hooked bigger fish than him."
"I don’t know why my husband thinks I’m crazy. I’m not crazy, I’m just a little quirky."
"I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time."
"Men marry because they are bored; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed."
"My husband is the only person I will ever be able to share a bed with without having to accommodate for him outside of it."
"If I had a dollar for every time my husband laid on the couch, I’d be able to afford a personal trainer."
"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."
"To be happy in married life is a task difficult enough for a man, but almost impossible for a woman."
"My husband says he doesn’t want a gift for Christmas, so I’ve bought him the one thing he can never take back – my love."
"I don't know what my husband does to keep me around, but I guess his money is good for something."
"Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you're looking for a club and a spade."
"My husband just loves to shop the way most men love sports: fantasizing about the big catch."
"The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret."
"I love my husband, but I don't always understand what he's saying. Well, most of the time I have no idea."
"Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life."
"I told my husband he should embrace his mistakes. He gave me a hug."
"If you want to know what a man’s like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals."
"I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted cash."
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
"My husband is a great communicator – especially when I’m asking him to help me with something."
"I love you more than coffee, but please don't make me prove it."
"I told my husband that he’s a lucky man. He will never have to go through the pain of giving birth. He said he would rather have childbirth than listen to my complaints."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband."
"A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"Husbands are like fine wine; they take a long time to mature."
"My husband and I have never considered divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never."
"If you want to know what a man is thinking, just look at his face. If you want to know what his wife is thinking, just look at his face again."
"To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all."
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
"You know you're in a long-term relationship when you can fart in front of each other and still feel loved."
"A husband is what is left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been extracted."
"Marriage is an adventure, like going to war."
"An ideal wife is any woman who has an ideal husband."
"I married Mr. Right. I just didn't know that his first name was 'Always.'"
"The best thing to hold onto in life is each other."
"My husband is my favorite distraction."
"Every man needs a woman when his life is a mess. Just as, after a storm, a man needs a woman to make it worse."
"A good husband makes a good wife."
"If at first you don't succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you."
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke forgets that she took him."
"Being a good husband is like being a man of integrity. It’s hard to be either one and not have your wife pull you into something sticky."
"We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse."
"There is no remedy for love but to love more."
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