126 result(s) for Funny Perverted Quotes.
"I’d like to see you in the morning, but only if you don’t wear any pants."
"I don’t need therapy, I just need to be around people who won’t judge me for my weirdness."
"Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you’re not getting any."
"I have a mind like a steel trap. It’s open at both ends and rusty in the middle."
"The only thing better than a hard day’s work is a hard night’s work."
"You can’t be afraid of what people are going to say, because you’re never going to make everyone happy."
"I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?"
"You can't put a price on a good time, but you can put your pants on it."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"A man in love is incomplete until he has married. After that, he’s finished."
"The difference between men and boys is the price of their toys."
"Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband."
"A woman’s greatest asset is her beauty, but what good is beauty if you stop taking care of it?"
"I think I should be a judge because I can judge people without any proof."
"If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning."
"I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you’re unarmed."
"A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a while."
"I thought I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure."
"If I were a writer, I would make the connections. But rather, I'm good at making decisions. Like the decisions to just admire the art from a distance."
"Aspire to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud."
"I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"The only thing I want to hear from you is the sound of you performing your elbow bending exercise."
"You know you're getting old when you have to pick up your glasses to read the small print in your own diary."
"Sex is like air; it's not a big deal unless you aren't getting any."
"My wife and I now sleep in separate rooms. She takes the bedroom, and I take the living room couch."
"Men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken, and the only ones left are disabled or over two miles away."
"Don't worry if plan A doesn't work; the alphabet has 25 more letters!"
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"I'm in shape... round is a shape."
"If you think I’m a mess, just wait until you see my thoughts."
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. That’s another way of saying, 'I don’t care what you think, I’m still fabulous.'"
"I'm on the patch right now and it’s codeine-based. After a good cry, I can feel the endorphins flooding my body."
"I told my therapist about my love for tall women. Now he thinks I'm resolving issues in my height complex."
"I had a dream that I was screaming, but I woke up and realized that I was having a nightmare."
"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."
"If you can’t laugh at yourself, I’ll be happy to do it for you."
"I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough."
"Love is temporary, but a really good pizza is permanent."
"The only reason I wake up early is to help my wife get ready for work; I think that’s love in a nutshell."
"If you think that being a good friend is easy, you definitely haven’t tried managing your friends’ expectations."
"I can't help it; I'm a sucker for punishment!"
"I didn't think I would be this good at being bad."
"Sex is like computing. You have to have a bunch of kids to make it work."
"I think sex is like a game of poker. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand."
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals; I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"My girlfriend is a lot like a computer: I don't have the user manual, and I can't figure out how to turn her on."
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
"A prostitute is just a woman who is really good at taking a compliment."
"I know the voices aren’t real, but sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome!"
"The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius."
"If we are what we eat, I am fast, cheap, and easy."
"If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people."
"I don’t mind you thinking I’m crazy. I mind your assumption that I care."
"It's not having what you want; it's wanting what you've got."
"The only way to get rid of a technical problem is to get a better computer."
"My love life is like a game of chess: I never seem to be the one making the first move."
"I was going to go to college, but I couldn’t find a place to park."
"I can’t believe that we’re in the 21st century and there are still people who cannot believe that the Internet is for more than just sending porn."
"I just found out I’m allergic to sex. It makes me break out in thrift store clothes."
"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."
"The secret to successful dating is to have no expectations, most people are not what they seem on their profile!"
"I wish I had a river I could skate away on."
"My girlfriend says I’m not listening to her, or something like that."
"I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"They say you can’t take it with you. I say, ‘Take it all. It’ll be an adventure!’"
"I think sex is a part of life; it could be enjoyed as long as it’s not taken too seriously."
"It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean."
"I don't need a babysitter. I need a girlfriend who lets me nap on her."
"If you think I'm crazy, just wait until you see me in bed."
"My boyfriend and I met on the internet; my mother asked him what line he used to get me, and he said the 'top' one."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"The only thing worse than a husband who mistreats you is a husband who treats you well."
"Marriage is a fine institution, but I'm not ready for an institution."
"Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any."
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
"We have enough youth; how about a fountain of smart?"
"I don't think I could live without my wife. I mean, I could live without her, but I don't think I could live without her."
"I told my girlfriend she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure."
"A man is like a beer. He looks good, he smells good, and you’d step over your own mother just to get one!"
"Don't worry; the world will end in 5 minutes. So, don’t waste your time making your hair straight."
"Whatever you do, don't go in there."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"My wife and I have a secret to making our marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have some good food, and crowd around a table with a couple of friends. She goes on Tuesday, I go on Friday."
"A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it's in hot water."
"I'm not really funny, I'm just really mean and people think I'm joking."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand."
"I don’t care what anyone says about me, as long as it isn’t true."
"My wife told me the truth. I’m not a good enough man for her."
"The only thing better than love is sex. You can’t make young people understand that."
"You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there."
"I told my wife the truth. I don’t want to be married to her anymore. I want to be married to someone else. I’d rather have a mistress."
"Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."
"I have a dream that one day I will be able to have sex with everyone in the world."
"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on."
"I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
"A man is only as faithful as his options."
"I think I am, therefore, I am. I think."
"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably crap."
"When in doubt, put on a wig."
"Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that it’s Tuesday."
"You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a taco."
"The best part about being over 40 is that you did most of your stupid stuff before the internet."
"I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them."
"If I could be anything in the world, I’d be a great pair of pants."
"I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks."
"I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
"I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else."
"A little more moderation would be good. Of course, my idea of moderation is moderation."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
