47 result(s) for Funny Modern Quotes.
"I hate being late. But I'm so good at it."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised."
"My therapist told me to embrace my mistakes. So, I hugged her."
"I'm not sure what's tighter, our jeans or our economy."
"I followed my heart, and it led me to the fridge."
"The only exercise I've done this week is running out of money."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it."
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"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry."
"I need a six-month vacation, twice a year."
"I'm not a morning person. Or a noon person. Or a night person."
"I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by."
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes."
"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."
"The main problem with this great country is that about 2 percent of the people think, 3 percent of the people think they think, and 95 percent of the people would rather die than think."
"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
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"I am an early riser...but only on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
"I thought growing old would take longer."
"My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to be fat."
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
"I hate when I lose my TV remote. I hate even more when I find it in the fridge."
"I'm not lazy, I'm on energy saving mode."
"Maybe if we all sat down and talked about our problems, we could realize how few we have compared to people 100 years ago."
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure."
"Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."
"I'm not sure what's tighter, our jeans or our budget."
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"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
"The road to success is always under construction."
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
"My therapist told me to embrace my mistakes. So, I’m now hugging my ex."
"Going to bed early. Not feeling good about tomorrow either."
"Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once."
"I'm tempted to go out looking for excitement. Then I thought, 'Nah, I'll watch Netflix.'"
"Why is it called rush hour when nothing moves?"
"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."
"I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand."
