25 result(s) for Funny Modern Joke Quotes.
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised."
"My boss told me to have a good day… so I went home."
"Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me."
"I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once."
"My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror."
"The best way to lie is to tell the truth carefully."
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"I'm not sure what's tighter, my jeans or my budget."
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it."
"I’m in shape. Round is a shape."
"I hate when I lose my TV remote. But I hate when I find it under my butt."
"I saw a sign that said 'Watch for Children' so I did. Seemed like a fair trade."
"I'm not saying I'm lazy, but I once had a dream that I was picking up trash and I woke up exhausted."
"I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila."
"Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"The early bird can have the worm, because worms are gross, and also, I sleep in."
"I followed my heart, and it led me to the fridge."
"I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out."
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
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"I just saw my neighbor mowing the lawn...naked! Turns out it was a misunderstanding and he was actually just vacuuming his carpet."
"I’m not clumsy, the floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies and the walls get in my way."
"I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them."
"Being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet. No one really knows how."
