101 result(s) for Funny Life Lesson Quotes.
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"If you think you're too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
"The only time I set the bar low is for limbo."
"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
"My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait."
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
"If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
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"The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once."
"There are two kinds of people: those who like to be kissed and those who like to be punched."
"Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted."
"The only reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people."
"The man who smiles has secrets to tell you."
"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
"The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat."
"Life is like a box of chocolates - you never know what you're gonna get, but you know you'll eat it all anyway."
"The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory."
"I can complain about a lot of things, but it’s hard because I have no complaints. Life is good!"
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep."
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"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people He gave it to."
"Age is something that doesn’t matter unless you are a cheese."
"I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"If you think you are too important to be replaced, just try missing a couple of days at work."
"The man who doesn’t read has no advantage over the man who can’t read."
"Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it."
"Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t."
"I found my way through the darkness by just holding onto whatever was next."
"Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats."
"Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out of it alive."
"It’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years."
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"I can’t believe I still have to put these stupid things in a newsletter."
"I finally realized that I’m not really a control freak; I’m just a 'let's get it right' freak."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is sane. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you."
"I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
"The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get."
"You can’t make everyone happy. You aren’t a taco."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"There is nothing worse than a sharp image of a fuzzy concept."
"My therapist told me a time traveler is coming for therapy tomorrow, but by the time they arrived, I had already scheduled a new patient..."
"If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people."
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
"The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up."
"I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work."
"There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data."
"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"Just remember, you’re unique, just like everyone else."
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I can’t believe I spent so much time on a project that could have been accomplished with a sandwich."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"If you don't run your own life, somebody else will."
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
"Don't worry if plan A doesn't work out, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet."
"The only time to be positive you've got a clear path is when you're on the edge of a cliff."
"I’m on the patch right now to skip eating, but I’m running into some snags."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take."
"I am not arguing, I am just explaining why I am right."
"If you think you're too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito."
"If you can’t laugh at yourself, make fun of other people."
"You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a taco."
"There are two types of people: those who walk into a room and say, 'Here I am!' and those who walk in and say, 'Ah, there you are!'"
"Don’t worry if plan A doesn’t work out, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet."
"I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila."
"Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."
"I’m on the patch right now where I’m supposed to be thinking about life. Unfortunately, it’s a barren wasteland of nothingness."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."
"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."
"Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it."
"If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you."
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired."
"I can’t help but notice that every time I’m in a hurry, I forget something important."
"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"If you’re going through hell, keep going."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."
"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I’ve finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: ‘I told you so.’"
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I don’t need an inspirational quote, I need coffee."
"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving."
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