117 result(s) for Funny Bio Quotes.
"I may be a disaster, but I'm a fun disaster!"
"If I was a fruit, I’d be a fine-apple."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me Kit-Kat ads."
"If you think I'm crazy, you should hear my imaginary friend."
"I’m on my way to steal my own identity."
"I'm not lazy, I'm just in energy-saving mode."
"I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"I have a great personality, but my face could use a little work."
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
"I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut."
"I’m in shape. Round is a shape, isn’t it?"
"I work out. Just kidding, I take naps."
"I'm like a butterfly; pretty to see, but hard to catch."
"I’m multi-talented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time."
"I don’t have a bucket list, but my fucket list is a mile long."
"I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing."
"I’m in a committed relationship with my bed."
"I've got a mind like a steel trap—rusty and illegal in 37 states."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I’m just here to avoid friends on Facebook."
"I haven’t been this excited about Friday since last Friday."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I finally know what I want to be when I grow up - a kid again."
"I'm an acquired taste. If you don't like me, acquire some taste."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"If we shouldn't eat midnight snacks, why is there even a light in the fridge?"
"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut."
"I'm not short, I'm fun-sized!"
"My hobbies include eating and complaining that I'm getting fat."
"I take my coffee seriously, but my naps even more."
"I put the 'Pro' in procrastinate."
"I'm a multitasker: I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once."
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"Reality called, so I hung up."
"I’m on my way to boredom, just stopping for a snack."
"I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia. She whispered, 'They're right behind you.'"
"If life gives you lemons, just add vodka."
"I don’t need a mood ring; I have a face."
"If you think I'm crazy, you should see my sister."
"I don't trip; I do random gravity checks."
"Why yes, I do frequently burst out in song. Most of the time it's in the shower though."
"I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I did not choose the mug life; the mug life chose me."
"If there’s a will, there’s a way, and I’ll probably find a way to avoid it."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"I’m not actually funny; I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but all the letters are in alphabetical order, as they should be."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"I’m on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
"I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down."
"Doing nothing is hard; you never know when you're done."
"I finally got my act together, but now I don’t know what to do with it."
"I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a first-name basis with the floor."
"I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"I followed my heart, and it led me to the fridge."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"The best part of my morning is when I take my coffee and add my coffee to it."
"I don't need an alarm clock. I have a toddler."
"I’m not actually funny, I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking."
"I told my therapist about my bad jokes. He told me I should call them 'alternative facts.'"
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"I have a lot of great ideas. The trouble is, most of them are not relevant to reality."
"Just remember, you’re unique, just like everyone else."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"If I were a vegetable, I’d be a 'couch potato.'"
"I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off."
"I’m so glad we met in person, because I could never have imagined you with all of your clothing on."
"I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t."
"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the title: 'How to be Unemployed and Happy.'"
"I finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up – a kid again."
"I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I don’t always procrastinate, but when I do, I prefer to do it later."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth!"
"I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck."
"If life gives you lemons, turn them into lemonade. Then find someone whose life gave them vodka, and throw a party!"
"Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice."
"My phone battery lasts longer than my relationships."
"Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?"
"I can’t adult today. Please don’t make me."
"I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode."
"I finally found my true calling: I don’t want to do anything."
"Professional overthinker."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach photos."
"I’m just a cupcake in a world full of muffins."
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"My hobbies include eating and complaining that I’m getting fat."
"If we weren’t meant to eat midnight snacks, why is there even a light in the fridge?"
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"Life is short, smile while you still have teeth."
"I'm like a butterfly in the wind – except I’m more like a sloth on the couch."
"Is it too late to be a savage?"
"I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure."
"I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing."
"My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
"I have a six-pack; it’s just hidden under this layer of pizza."
"I’m not a morning person. I’m a coffee person."
"I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 3 years in a row now."
"If you think I’m a hot mess, you should see my life."
"Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they’ll start using it."
"I need six months of vacation, twice a year."
"I put the ‘Pro’ in procrastinate."
"The only thing I throw back on Thursday is a cocktail."
"Some days I amaze myself. Other days I put my keys in the fridge."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
