103 result(s) for Funny English Quotes.
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him I didn’t want to waste my money."
"I'm writing a new book. I haven't decided whether it's a memoir or a fiction book. The campaign slogan will be: 'I did not have a clue.'"
"I told my computer I needed a break, and it froze."
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."
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"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I would not be able to sleep knowing I am a terrible person."
"I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired."
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"I have a wonderful make-up crew. They can make me look like Patricia Neal or a rock"
"People who take tea seriously should be taken seriously."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"I have nothing to declare except my genius."
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
"I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
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"I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose any voters."
"I'm on the patch right now, that's the stop solution."
"I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss gets mad when I’m late."
"An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough."
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
"I didn't know what to say, so I just said ‘oops’ and left."
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
"If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with nonsense."
"There is no better way to forget about your problems than to write them down in a book, then make sure nobody sees it."
"I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end."
"I don't suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it."
"If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong."
"I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke."
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"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that."
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"Why do we never tell secrets on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!"
"I told my computer I needed a break, and it froze!"
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I finally found out what’s wrong with my brain: On the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left."
"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!"
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"Just saw the movie 'The Hunger Games' and now I'm starving."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's probably astro turf."
"I don't need a hair stylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth. She told me the psychiatrist was a jerk."
"I think I am, therefore, I am... I think."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I have sown white and black, I have sown blue and brown, I have sown beautiful flowers in my own little town. What I do not understand is why I have not yet sown a single seed of wisdom!"
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read."
"I can't believe I ate the whole thing."
"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"I don’t need you to tell me how good my coffee is. I need you to tell me how good my coffee is."
"Well, my sense of humor is very British: very dry, very dark."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people."
"I am writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I was going to take over the world, but I overslept."
"The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality."
"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"I can’t believe I’m 50% coffee and 50% sarcasm."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"If you think last Tuesday was a mess, wait till you see next Tuesday."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"The only thing I make for dinner is reservations."
"I didn’t fall. I’m just spending some quality time with the floor."
"Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese."
"I am not arguing, I’m just explaining why I am right."
"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I'm on a role model diet. I only eat food from role models."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"My therapist told me a mom’s job is to take care of her kids. So I put my feet up and said, 'I’m not a mom.'"
"I've learned that if you love life, life will love you back."
"I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I didn't choose the thug life, the thug life chose me."
"If you can’t convince them, confuse them."
"I get enough exercise just pushing my luck."
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
"I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode."
"Patience is what you have when there are too many witnesses."
"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
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