96 result(s) for Funny Daily Quotes.
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I finally found my spirit animal – it's a sloth."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I'm on the patch right now for caffeine. I've given up caffeine, but I still drink about a gallon a day. So I still have a problem."
"I wish I could be half the person my dog thinks I am."
"I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon."
"I am not lazy. I am on energy-saving mode."
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"I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"When nothing goes right, go left."
"I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
"There's a fine line between humor and a joke."
"Don't worry if plan A doesn't work, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet."
"I'm in shape. Round is a shape."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"If you think people are boring, you’re probably boring."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"The only thing I know is that I know nothing."
"I am on a no-carb diet. I am going to see my doctor until I am healthy. I hope that we don't have to sit close!"
"If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
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"I was going to lose weight, but I decided to eat cookies instead."
"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done."
"I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode."
"I’m not always sarcastic. Sometimes I’m sleeping."
"I’m a multitasker. I can’t wait to procrastinate!"
"I finally realized that being grateful to my body was key to giving more love to myself."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."
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"I told my therapist about my addiction to Twitter. He said, 'I don’t need to hear it in 280 characters or less.'"
"I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."
"I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it will get a reaction."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that."
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
"I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"I finally stopped drinking for good. Now I drink for evil."
"I don’t need your attitude, I have my own."
"If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had a puppy."
"Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough."
"My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him and now we wait."
"I have a joke about a broken elevator, but it’s an uplifting experience."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and it froze."
"There's no need to be perfect to be a perfect parent."
"The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat."
"A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams."
"I don't always have a filter, but I'll definitely be wearing one for Christmas."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I finally got around to reading 'The Book of Wildflowers.' It had a lot of flower power."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."
"I would not like to be a party to the intellectual quarrel between two experts in a blank field."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"If you think you're too small to be effective, you've never been in bed with a mosquito."
"I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He replied, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make it on Tuesdays.'"
"The dinosaur’s demise is a mystery, but I’m pretty sure it’s because they didn’t buy an air conditioner."
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane."
"I could tell you a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy."
"It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer."
"Don't worry if plan A doesn't work out, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet!"
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