102 result(s) for Daily Funny Quotes.
"I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke."
"I would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."
"I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a paycheck."
"I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."
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"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
"Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else."
"I finally stopped riding my bike around the block. After about 30 minutes, I stopped and just got off."
"You can't have everything... where would you put it?"
"I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one."
"I will not be afraid to make a fool of myself."
"I’m on the patch right now. I can’t get enough of it!"
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"I can’t adult today. Please don’t make me."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!"
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure."
"Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work!"
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"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
"I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it."
"I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
"I named my dog 'Five-Miles' so I can say I walk Five-Miles every day."
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
"If I had a dollar for every time I had a good idea, I’d be rich."
"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"When nothing goes right, go left."
"A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory."
"I finally told my suitcases there will be no vacations this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage."
"I'm not arguing; I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"I didn’t fall; I’m just spending some quality time with the floor."
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"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"Always borrow money from a pessimist. They won't expect it back."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it."
"I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"If you think the world is bizarre, just remember: we only have the odd-numbered dimensions."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"I finally got around to reading 'How to Scam a Scam Artist'. I was deeply disappointed."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target."
"I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"
"I would avoid the sushi if I were you. It’s a little fishy."
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"If we weren’t supposed to eat midnight snacks, why is there even a light in the fridge?"
"I told a chemistry joke. There was no reaction."
"I’ve just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap."
"I threw a boomerang a couple of years ago. I know live in constant fear."
"Never trust an atom; they make up everything!"
"I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."
"I am a movie star. My name is nobody."
"Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"
"Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The wedding wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent!"
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach photos."
"I wanted to lose weight so I went to the store and bought a scale. It didn’t work."
"I have a fear of speed bumps. But I’m slowly getting over it."
"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
"I’m a multitasker. I can talk and annoy you at the same time."
"I've reached the age where my back goes out more than I do."
"The only time I set the bar low is for limbo."
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach images."
"I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet."
"For Sale: baby shoes, never worn."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I can't believe I kissed a girl in front of my father. I'm so embarrassed I could die!"
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I finally got around to reading 'War and Peace'. I would have finished it sooner, but I was busy reading the back cover."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I was going to tell a time traveling joke, but you didn't like it."
"I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time."
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it."
"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done."
"My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not after you."
"I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
"I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks."
"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
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