129 result(s) for Al Bundy Quotes.
"I don't want to be a married man. I want to be a single parent. Married men just get a hard time from their wives."
"I’m not a family man. I’m a man who has a family."
"Peg, I just want to scream and yell, maybe even toss a few things around."
"I have two rules in life: Don’t sweat the small stuff and don’t sweat the big stuff."
"Remember, a happy wife means a happy life. But right now, I’m not so sure about that."
"I think of myself as a culinary genius. I make a mean cold cereal."
"It’s a tough job, but I’m married. I guess I’m the one who has to do it."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"The only time I get any respect is when I’m on the field. That’s when people know I’m just a worn-out shoe."
"Life doesn't get better. It just gets...different."
"To be rich is to be poor in spirit; I think I’ll stay poor."
"Wife: 'What are you thinking about?' Me: 'Nothing.' That's how I keep my sanity."
"My wife is a clown. Not the funny kind, the scary kind."
"Al: 'I’m a shoe salesman. I see more feet than a doctor.' "
"If you want to make your wife happy, just stay out of her way."
"You never forget your first love...especially when it’s a pair of shoes."
"'Peggy, I swear my life is like a bad sitcom. And I wrote the damn thing!'"
"'I can’t believe I’m stuck in a living nightmare for life.' "
"'I had dreams. But I’ve learned to put them away. Dreams cause failure, let’s stick to reality.'"
"'Yeah, I’m a loser. But I’m the best loser I can be!'"
"'Life’s too long to be miserable, so I just settle for being grumpy.'"
"'Clothes make the man; well in my case, they make the man look like a lumberjack.'"
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"'They say you can’t have it all. I’m living proof of that.'"
"'If there’s a way to mess something up, just know I’m the guy who’ll find it.'"
"'Al, often we settle for less. Just like my entire life.'"
"'When life gives you lemons, just complain about it.'"
"I’ve got a good mind to go back to bed and call it a day."
"What’s the point of being alive if you don’t at least try to do something remarkable?"
"I was a shoe salesman. I sold shoes to idiots. That's because they were in the store, and I was in the store. You have to go with what life gives you."
"You know what I like? I like to have a little drink at the end of the day... well, ok, I like to have a drink at the beginning of the day too."
"You can't just sit there and wait for life to come to you, you have to go to it!"
"It's a tough job, but I guess somebody has to do it."
"I can't wait until I can be alone again."
"Women! Can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em."
"I don't need your approval to be in love with my wife."
"I think about how I've spent most of my life with my butt in the air."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"When you’re a shoe salesman, you learn to appreciate that even the best shoes can’t help you avoid walking in the wrong direction."
"Life is like a shoe—it’s best when it fits right."
"I hate my life; I hate my job. But guess what? I get up anyway."
"It's not that I don't love my family; it's just that they drive me nuts."
"Dear God, please don't let me die in this house."
"If I had a dollar for every time I had to explain something to my wife, I'd be able to afford therapy."
"There's only one way to settle a disagreement with your wife... just let her win."
"My entire life has been put on hold by this family."
"I can’t find my keys! Oh wait…I must have put them in my ‘I don’t care’ pocket."
"At the end of the day, all I want is a quiet evening with my beer."
"You think you’ve hit rock bottom, then you wake up and find out there’s a basement."
"I will take a nap; I recommend you all do the same. Nap time is sacred."
"I’m living my version of the American Dream… in reverse."
"Love is learning to put up with the crap that comes along with a long-term commitment."
"I may be a shoe salesman, but I know what it feels like to be stepped on."
"Some days you just wake up, and everything feels like a bad shoe day."
"Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park."
"I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong."
"The only thing worse than being my wife is being my wife’s husband."
"I got a hundred bucks says you’d be a terrific brain surgeon."
"No, I can't. I have a horrible flu. Every time I move, I feel like someone is crushing my eyeballs."
"I’ve spent my whole life in a shoe store, and I still can't find a pair of shoes that fit me."
"You know what? If I want to hear the sound of little feet running away, I just start talking to my kids."
"Life is like a shoe – it's a lot more comfortable when you don’t let it pinch you."
"I work on my feet all day, and when I come home, I want to lounge around. But no, I'm always getting pulled into another family drama."
"I don't hate you. I just want to get to know you well enough to kill you."
"It's not that I don't care. I just don't care enough."
"I love my job. I love my family. I love... I'm not really sure what I love."
"Peggy, you were the best thing that ever happened to me. And the worst."
"I can’t believe I went to college for this. I could have been a dog."
"Women are like shoes: you have to try a lot on to find the right one."
"This job is like the worst date I've ever been on, only it's lasted for years."
"I’d rather watch paint dry than go to that store."
"I’m not saying I hope you die, but I hope your sandwich gets eaten by a rat."
"Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy."
"Somebody has to pay for my childhood; I always had a shoe store to blame."
"I always wanted to be a millionaire, but then I realized it would be too much work."
"Being a parent means you have to listen to little people complain about life."
"No man can become a father without learning to be a shoe salesman first."
"You’ve got to pull your weight in this family! Especially after you learn to walk."
"I don't have a dream job; my only dream is to stay out of the shoe store."
"You can't always get what you want, unless you keep complaining. Then maybe you will."
"I don't believe in science, I believe in shoes."
"I’m not a bad guy. I’m just a guy who’s bad at being good."
"You can’t put a price on a dream. Like my mom used to say, 'That’s why we have to settle for less.'"
"I’m going to be a shoe salesman forever. I’m just going to have to make the best of it."
"Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade."
"I spent my whole life trying to make my dreams come true. Now I just want them to stop haunting me."
"Every time I try to have a good day, someone keeps ruining it for me."
"I was a great athlete in my youth. Now I can’t even run to the couch without getting winded."
"Hey, life stinks. You just gotta learn to enjoy the smell."
"I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to afford something that’s not made of cardboard."
"Life is just a series of unfortunate choices."
"What’s the deal with women? They say they want a man to be honest, but then they don’t really want to hear the truth."
"You can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube, but you can use the leftover paste to glue the lid shut."
"What’s the point of trying to make things better? We might as well just sit around and complain."
"I wish I could be you for a day—oh wait, I wouldn’t want to be you for a minute."
"I’ve been married for so long, I feel like I’ve earned a PhD in conflict resolution."
"Shoe salesmen are the unsung heroes of retail. We deserve statues, not just insults."
"I don’t need therapy; I just need a beer and a good game on TV."
"Somebody tell me why I can’t just stay home and watch TV all day?"
"Nothing is worse than a man without a plan... except maybe a man with a plan that never works out."
"Sometimes I wonder if life is a cruel joke. And then I realize, of course it is."
"Dreaming and achieving are two very different things—trust me, I know."
"The only thing worse than being stuck in traffic is being married to a woman who wants to talk about feelings."
"I’ve got 99 problems, and they’re all in my living room."
"It’s not that I’m lazy; it’s that I just don’t want to do things that don’t matter."
"I thought marriage was about love and companionship. Turns out, it’s more like a hostage situation."
"There's only one thing worse than a lousy wife: a lousy wife who wants to go shopping."
"I could be a model if it weren't for my face."
"I’m not a bad guy. I’m just a single father trying to make my way in this crazy world."
"Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be treated any different than the other children."
"You know what? I’ve had it with this job! I’m through being a shoe salesman! Besides, I hate shoes!"
"I love my kids. They just don’t know what I do for them."
"The only reason I’m not doing well in my career is because I choose to be a family man."
"I am a man! I have a big belly, I love sports, and I hate doing chores!"
"Who needs the gym when you can just yell at your family?"
"Every time I think I’ve hit rock bottom, I find a new low."
"Hey, I’m just a normal guy trying to live a normal life, in a totally insane world."
"Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably crap."
"I’d love to see the person who invented the word 'responsibility' and smack them upside the head."
"My wife is always saying she wants to do something that's both good for the family and good for the planet. So I let her take out the trash."
"Being a shoe salesman was a rough job, but it was better than being a husband."
"I was born to sell shoes, but I was made to be a dad."
"It’s not that I’m lazy. I just don’t care."
"If it weren’t for my kids, I wouldn’t have a reason to get out of bed in the morning… well, that and my love for ice cream."
"You don’t have to be smart to get married… you just have to be open to the idea of a life sentence."
"Sometimes I think my life is a sitcom. Too bad it's not a funny one."
"I've had years of experience in the miserable life department. I could run a seminar."
"When I die, I want my family to bury me in my favorite slippers."
"The hardest thing about being a dad is realizing that you have to give up all your bad habits — like spending all day watching TV and eating junk food."
"Working in the shoe store was tough, but nothing compared to working at home."
"I just want to retire to a remote island, away from my family and responsibilities."
"The happiest moment of my day is when I finally sit down, put my feet up, and watch some TV."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?