97 result(s) for Witty Quotes.
"I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure."
"I am on the patch of ground that is in the wrong place at the right time."
"I am not lazy. I am on energy-saving mode."
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow."
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"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research."
"The last thing I want to be remembered as is not a good philanthropist."
"If you can’t convince them, confuse them."
"If you think the world is going to be fine without my opinions, you’re probably right."
"I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but I'm actually fluent in sarcasm."
"I am not arguing with you, I am merely explaining why you are wrong."
"Never misunderstand me, I’m just trying to clear up your confusion."
"I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything."
"I told my therapist about my procrastination problem. He didn’t show up."
"The only thing I know is that I know nothing."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure."
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"I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode."
"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."
"The best way to predict the future is to invent it."
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
"I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"I am on a very strict diet. I only eat one bite out of every pizza."
"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it."
"I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches."
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"I can resist everything except temptation."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
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"I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure."
"I have nothing to declare except my genius."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."
"You can't be late until you show up."
"I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I’ve stopped going to him. Time’s a great therapist."
"I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"I’m not lazy. I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter."
"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I have a simple philosophy: Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. And scratch where it itches."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"I wouldn't say I'm the best, but I definitely have a strong opinion about it."
"An investment in knowledge pays the best interest, but a good pun pays better."
"The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance."
"I didn’t choose the thug life; the thug life chose me."
"While you are on a great adventure, don’t be surprised if you find yourself lost."
"I'm on the patch right now: A week without alcohol or other vices."
"My therapist says time heals all wounds, so I’ve got to just wait for my time in the sun."
"Don't worry if plan A doesn't work, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet."
"The closest I ever got to a diet was deleting food searches from my browser history."
"Money can’t buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you’re being miserable."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator."
"I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"I know the voices aren’t real, but sometimes their ideas are just too good to ignore."
"I wish I was as thin as my patience."
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
"I think giving up is a terrible thing to do. I think you should hold on to your dreams, and fight for them. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you can’t do something."
"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."
"A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new."
"Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I told my therapist about my addiction to Twitter, and he said that I should go to a support group. I said, 'No, I think I’ll just go back to tweeting about it.'"
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"You can't make everyone happy. You're not a jar of Nutella."
"Everyone is a genius at least once a year. The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together."
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target."
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