110 result(s) for Hilarious Old Time Quotes.
"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places."
"I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception."
"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."
"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure."
"I’m on the patch right now. The doctor says it’s working."
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"The only thing two people can share is a good laugh."
"I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve it through not dying."
"I have all the money I’ll ever need. If I die tomorrow, I’ll be broke."
"I can’t be responsible for what my face does."
"I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila."
"I saw a sign that said 'Watch for Children' and I thought that was a fair trade."
"I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."
"My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch."
"I may be a miserable person, but at least I’m a happy one."
"I’m not a complete idiot—some parts are missing."
"I know I’m not perfect, but I’m so close it freaks me out."
"I don’t mind going nowhere, as long as it’s an interesting path."
"I am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught."
"I have many spare pairs of glasses, but I still can’t see me letting go of my old ones."
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"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and it froze."
"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."
"A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory."
"I don’t have a carbon footprint; I just drive everywhere."
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
"The older I get, the better I was."
"Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes."
"I finally got a handle on my life. A retractable handle, but a handle nonetheless."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I can resist everything except temptation."
"Don’t worry if plan A doesn’t work out, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
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"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter."
"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I’m on the patch to wellness. I’m aiming for that, and I’m hoping for something that isn’t ill-fitting."
"I finally got a poker set. I don’t know why, but there’s something about a "
"Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black."
"I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll make an exception."
"I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it."
"It’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years."
"The worst part of life is that it’s all over too soon."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"The early worm gets eaten by the bird."
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"Out of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most."
"If you can’t convince them, confuse them."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't learn something from him."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"If we weren’t supposed to eat midnight snacks, why is there even a light in the fridge?"
"When I was a boy, I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning to believe it."
"There are only three things to be done with a woman. You can love her, suffer for her, or turn her into literature."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"If you can’t laugh at yourself, we will laugh at you."
"A fool and his money are soon married."
"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"I told my wife the truth. I don’t do that often, but I told her all about it."
"Certain things catch your eye, but pursue only those that capture the heart."
"The first time I went to New York, I got lost. I ended up in a bar and started clinging to life after that."
"I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. All it does is just stand there and stare at me."
"I would not be so alone when you’re dead."
"It is ridiculous to think that we can be shaped by what we read. Yet it is true."
"My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait."
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it."
"I can't even count the number of times I've been misquoted, and I think that makes me a damn good quotation mark."
"A man is like a fine wine — he gets better as he ages. The only trouble is, he may turn to vinegar."
"The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine."
"I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"The only time I feel like a perfect parent is when I’m on the couch with a bucket of ice cream and a spoon."
"Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired."
"Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children."
"Normal is just a setting on the washing machine."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
"Money can’t buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you’re being miserable."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I am not arguing with you, I am merely explaining why I am right."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target."
"If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"I'd agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a beautiful day."
"I'm on the patch right now where I can't afford to be nice."
"I always wondered why birds choose to stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the Earth. Then I ask myself the same question."
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