95 result(s) for Henny Youngman Quotes.
"A guy walks into the doctor's office. The doctor tells him you need an operation. The guy says I want a second opinion. The doctor said okay, you're ugly too."
"My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash."
"Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing."
"One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!"
"I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up, they have no holidays."
"I know a man who's a hypochondriac. Every time he feels a pain, he thinks he's going to die. It's probably just a sprain."
"I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table."
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"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?"
"I once played a club where a sign said, 'By request: Henny Youngman.' The way it was worded, it looked like a court order - Henny Youngman: BY REQUEST."
"Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it."
"One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control."
"I say the same thing to my wife. There must be 50 million women in New York, but you had to pick on mine."
"I once asked a girl to marry me. She said, 'I don't cook, I don't sew, so what would I do?' I said, 'You can do that on the side.'"
"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays."
"I saw a beautiful girl walking down the street… I said I bet you $10 you're not going out with me. She said, 'You're on.'"
"The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing."
"People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi."
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass."
"I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock."
"How can you do a commercial for a product that is unfit for human consumption?"
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"My son complained every time I kissed him. I said, 'What's the matter, Eric? The neighbor boy always kisses his mother.' I thought he had me there, but Eric said, 'How about a father who goes around kissing every mother?'"
"The older I get, the more I realize the value of privacy. We had a couple of tragedies here"
"A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, ‘Do what I do. I put my head on my wife’s bosom, and the headache goes away.' The next day, the man says, 'Well, did you do what I told you to?' 'Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!'"
"When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays."
"I know a man who’s a house salesman. He sold his home himself. He teaches his kids, 'Don’t let anyone handle your sale... handle it yourself'"
"Last time I saw a congressman he was on the Capitol steps being sworn in."
"I once went to a doctor who gave me a shot and he said my arm would hurt for three days. The next day, I got married, and my arm didn’t hurt at all."
"If you want to know if your brain is flabby, feel your legs."
"My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me 'In the lake.'"
"A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper."
"I've been married for 27 years. Do I get credit for time served?"
"I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Sure, lady, three hours ago it was grass.'"
"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up. They have no holidays."
"I have no idea what makes my wife tick. I've never had the courage to take her apart to find out."
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"I came from a very poor family. I could only go to school if it didn't rain."
"I asked the bank to lend me a basketball. They said I had to have a net worth."
"I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people."
"When I want to read a book, I write one."
"I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by 4 o'clock."
"My grandfather taught me how to be happy. He was an old man with no money."
"Take my wife... Please!"
"A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months."
"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back."
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
"My wife's cooking is so bad, the flies chipped in to fix the screen door."
"I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So, I suggested the kitchen."
"I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up... They have no holidays."
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."
"I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me."
"Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it."
"I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said 'Are you going to help?' I said, 'No, six should be enough.'"
"I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me."
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead."
"I told the mailman, 'Nothing for me today.' He said, 'I think last week was enough.'"
"Take my wife...please!"
"A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: women and fractions."
"When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading."
"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays."
"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way."
"My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that."
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
"My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last: two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine and good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it."
"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."
"I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock."
"When I said I was going to become a comedian, they all laughed. Well, they're not laughing now."
"My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, 'Cough!'"
"A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months."
"I'm a man of few words. You're very lucky."
"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."
"I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport."
"Take my wife, please!"
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
"A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, 'You're crazy.' The man says, 'I want a second opinion!' 'Okay, you're ugly too!'"
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I once wanted to be an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays."
"I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand."
"The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip."
"I always say, 'Keep a diary and someday it'll keep you.'"
"I once asked my grandfather how old he was. He said, 'I don't know, I keep forgetting.'"
"I told the waiter, 'This coffee tastes like mud.' He said, 'Yes, it's fresh ground.'"
"You can't set the world on fire without a spark."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I told my son he'll be spoiled when he gets older. He asked me, 'How can that happen, Dad?'"
"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met."
"I told the kids every day, 'Marry for money. You can borrow love.'"
"Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair."
"I told the boss I wanted a pay raise. He told me to put my request in writing. I said, 'I'm not talking about paper, I'm talking about money.'"
"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
"Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife."
"I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'"
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