117 result(s) for George Carlin Quotes.
"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."
"Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be."
"Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time! ... But He loves you."
"People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.'"
"Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: 'We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.'"
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity."
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"What year did Jesus think it was?"
"Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong."
"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood."
"When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands."
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."
"If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
"I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else."
"People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point."
"Have you noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
"There is no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past."
"People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram that represents them as a human being."
"Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music."
"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."
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"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
"Just remember, you can live without sex, but you can’t live without your glasses."
"I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."
"People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think."
"Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."
"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'"
"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
"I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."
"I don't have pet peeves, I have major psychotic f***ing hatreds."
"The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept."
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."
"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."
"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."
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"The status quo sucks."
"We've learned how to make a living, but not a life."
"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."
"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."
"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."
"Don't just teach your children to read... Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything."
"The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept."
"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."
"When you step on the brakes, your life is in your foot's hands."
"The future will soon be a thing of the past."
"You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up."
"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."
"I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories."
"I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it."
"If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?"
"Think off-center."
"Meow means woof in cat."
"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit."
"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done."
"We're all f**ked. It helps to remember that."
"Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist."
"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."
"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."
"Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town."
"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."
"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?"
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
"When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat."
"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"
"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."
"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away."
"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."
"Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it."
"If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders."
"Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it."
"The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity."
"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
"Electricity is really just organized lightning."
"The planet is fine. The people are f****d."
"It's not the people who vote that count. It's the people who count the votes."
"The planets are a part of us, we are a part of the planets."
"When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat."
"A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff."
"Tragedy plus time equals comedy."
"The sky is not the limit, the mind is."
"I've never seen a difference between what is funny and what is true."
"It's all a big game; a game for fools."
"Language is the only thing worth knowing even poorly."
"We’re not in the same world anymore. We’re in a world of our own making."
"I don't want to be a part of your system."
"Life is a series of dogs."
"You can't be afraid to hurt people's feelings."
"If you live long enough, you'll make mistakes. But if you learn from them, you'll be a better person."
"The big hand is on the 12, the little hand is on the 2. It's time to get a clock."
"You are all stardust, and to stardust you shall return."
"Politicians are like diapers; they need to be changed often and for the same reason."
"The American dream is a term that is often used, but rarely understood."
"It’s all about the money. It’s a big game."
"I don’t believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear."
"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."
"I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it."
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the fastest guy in the NFL is a Mexican, and the Swiss hold the America's Cup."
"It’s all about the money. It’s all about the money. Follow the money."
"Some people see the glass as half empty. Others see it as half full. I see the glass as too big."
"I’m always thinking about what I’m going to say next; I have to think of a clever comeback."
"In America, anyone can be president. That’s the problem."
"The best advice I ever gave was to never trust anyone who says, 'Trust me.'"
"I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed."
"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past."
"I don’t want to know what you think, I just want you to think."
"Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes."
"The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music."
"I love and respect the people I correct."
"There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords."
"When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat."
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths."
"I’m a modern man; a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke-free."
"The older you get, the better you realize you were always wrong."
"The only thing that matters is that the people who love you love you back."
"You should never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."
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