125 result(s) for Funny Weight Loss Quotes.
"I'm on the patch right now. It's a diet patch – the only thing it recommends is a steady diet of pizza."
"I’ve lost about 40 pounds. I was like, '40 pounds! That's fantastic!' And I realized it was just my sense of humor."
"I've tried all the diets. The one that worked best was the one that helped me realize that I'm not losing weight to look good, I'm losing it to feel good!"
"I don't count calories. I just count how many times I have to say no to dessert."
"I'm still a fan of the dessert table—just not as much!"
"The only time I weigh myself is when I am at the doctor's office. And he always says, 'Hey, you're on the scale!' I just say, 'Yeah, I'm waiting for my courage to approach!'"
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug!"
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"Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes."
"A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit."
"I’m not overweight, I’m just under-tall!"
"The only running I do is running out of snacks."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it!"
"You can’t outrun a bad diet!"
"To me, the greatest pleasure of writing is not what it's about, but the music the words make."
"If I ever get in an accident, I hope the doctors embarrass me by saying, 'He is too young to be this fat.'"
"Take my advice — I don’t use it anyway."
"You don't lose weight, you declare it gone!"
"The secret of getting ahead is getting started—on the dessert menu!"
"I really need to work on my procrastination skills. Maybe after lunch…"
"You know you're getting old when your back goes out more than you do."
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
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"Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. Coincidence? I think not!"
"I’m on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days."
"When it comes to eating right and exercising, there is no instant pudding."
"I'm on the patch right now, the chocolate patch."
"I don't need a personal trainer. I need a personal chef."
"The only time I lose weight is when I go to the dentist."
"I have a great diet. I just don’t eat much and then I do a lot of exercise … oh wait, that’s not right. I mean I eat a lot and then I eat a lot more."
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut."
"You can't lose weight by talking about it. You have to keep your mouth shut!"
"I followed my heart, and it led me to the fridge."
"My diet plan: Make all of my friends cupcakes; the fatter they get, the thinner I look!"
"I eat cake because it’s somebody’s birthday somewhere!"
"Eating a salad is like going to the beach and not getting wet."
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"I'd give up chocolate, but I'm no quitter!"
"I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time."
"Laughing is the best calorie burner."
"Why is there a fat chance and a slim chance? They’re the same thing!"
"If we’re not supposed to eat midnight snacks, why is there even a light in the fridge?"
"I don’t mind my wrinkles. They’re like little road maps of my life."
"The first rule of dieting is 'If you, you must, lose it in moderation!'"
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it."
"If you can't eat it, it won't eat you!"
"Calories? I think they are just little snacks that cry when you eat them."
"Exercise? I thought you said extra fries!"
"If only my phone battery lasted as long as my diet."
"I’m allergic to food; I break out in hives when I eat it!"
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine. He gets better with age. The only problem is that we can't seem to find a corkscrew for his weight loss."
"I’m on the patch right now. It’s all about losing weight while sitting in front of the TV with chips."
"I’ve decided to take up jogging. I just wait for the ice cream truck to come by, and then I jog my memory of what I had for dessert."
"If you want to lose weight, stop eating food that you can't pronounce."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!"
"I would lose weight, but I hate losing."
"I’m not overweight. I’m just over my height."
"The only thing I exercise is my right to eat cake."
"I plan on living forever. So far, so good."
"I try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes, several days attack me at once."
"Every time I lose weight, it's gained by someone else."
"I'm on the 21-day diet. So far, I've lost 15 days."
"You can’t lose weight by talking about it. You have to keep your mouth shut."
"I have a love-hate relationship with food—mostly love."
"If I’m ever on death row, I want my last meal to be a giant bowl of spaghetti."
"Dieting is the only game where you win when you lose!"
"I thought about losing weight, but it keeps finding me."
"I don’t need to diet; I just need to eat less of the bad stuff and more of the good stuff. But where’s the fun in that?"
"A calorie saved is a calorie earned."
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relatives."
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice cream truck tends to beat you."
"Pizza is my favorite food group."
"Running late counts as exercise, right?"
"A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand."
"I’m on a workout plan where I lift weights... from the fridge to my mouth."
"I thought I was in shape...rounded is a shape!"
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
"I eat cake because it's somebody's birthday somewhere."
"I'm in shape. Round is a shape!"
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
"I have a condition that prevents me from leaving my house. I’m allergic to the outside."
"Every time I see the bottom of the stairs, I think about how many cookies I could eat if I went upstairs."
"If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
"I tried to lose weight, but it keeps finding me."
"I don’t need to exercise. I just watch what I eat. I don’t eat."
"Don't bother me, I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"When people say ‘You’ve changed,’ I just look them in the eye and say, ‘No, I haven’t. You’ve changed.’"
"I've decided that I won't take up jogging until I see a winner. Until then, I’ll stick to my coffee."
"The only weight I want to lose is my weight out of my pocket!"
"If you can’t eat it, don’t step on it."
"I know I’m in shape, because round is a shape."
"The only thing I’m in shape for is a donut!"
"Healthy eating is a way of life, so it’s important to establish routines that are simple, realistically, and ultimately livable."
"Let’s eat cake!"
"I don't want to look like a twig. I want to look like a skinny, healthy person."
"I’m going to start the new diet next month... maybe!"
"Bacon makes everything better."
"I'm on a new diet. I don’t eat anything that casts a shadow."
"To be true to yourself, you must be true to your food!"
"A balanced diet is chocolate in both hands."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I ran my first marathon last year. I ran my first marathon last year. Just kidding! I watched my first marathon on TV last year."
"I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys."
"If you want to lose weight, you have to think like a thin person. This isn't funny because I can't think of one! Who do I even aspire to?"
"I'm in shape. Round is a shape."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I have a personal trainer that trains me twice a week. He says he’d like to be my friend. I told him he’s got the wrong job for that."
"I don't exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."
"I can’t believe I ate the whole thing!"
"Exercise? I thought you said 'extra fries'!"
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"I tried running, but I kept spilling my beer."
"Eat cake. Lose weight. That’s my new diet plan."
"I have a great diet. I just don't eat junk food. I only eat food that is good for me... like junk food!"
"Calories don’t count if you eat them while standing up."
"Fat is like a bad boyfriend. It’s hard to get rid of and it just won’t leave you alone."
"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
"You can’t outrun a bad diet."
"The only time I set the bar low is for limbo."
"I’m trying to lose weight but it keeps finding me."
"Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels, except for cake."
"Does this mean I have to stop eating my feelings?"
"My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch."
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do."
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