129 result(s) for Funny Stoner Quotes.
"I was going to make a chemistry joke, but I realized I’d have no reaction."
"Cannabis is the only plant you can sit on and not be ashamed to have it in your front yard."
"Do you ever get that feeling where you’re not sure if you’re awake or dreaming? I think it’s called being high."
"I wonder if the snow loves the trees and fields, that it kisses them so gently? And then it covers them up snug, you know, with a white quilt; and perhaps it says, 'Go to sleep, darlings, till the summer comes again.'"
"If you're ever sad, just remember that you were once the fastest sperm."
"I don’t get high, I just get happier. And that’s the truth."
"I think my neighbor is stalking me. She’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my binoculars."
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"You know you’re a stoner when you aim for the fridge and you end up in bed."
"Marijuana is not a drug. It’s a plant. It’s a herb. And it smells like one, too."
"Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there."
"I smoked some weed and I felt like I was in a trance, because my cat was staring at me like I was a freak."
"You can’t make everybody happy. You aren’t pizza!"
"I don’t know what the future holds, but I know it’s going to be hilarious."
"When life gives you lemons, trade them for weed."
"Not all those who wander are lost, but I definitely am when I’m high."
"Is that a joint in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"
"I finally figured out the only reason you are in the ground is because you’re worried about your hair."
"My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry."
"They say laughter is the best medicine. If that’s true, then I’m addicted!"
"When you’re high, everything feels like a new adventure, even if it’s just getting up from the couch."
"If I had a dollar for every time I went to bed early, I’d have a dollar."
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"If you can’t find the sunshine, be the sunshine; unless you’re high, then just enjoy the rays."
"I just want to be free. Free to be high whenever and wherever I want!"
"I used to think that the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, 'Look what’s telling me that.'"
"I think I got a contact high just from watching those guys smoke."
"Marijuana is not addictive. I used to be addicted to soap, but now I’m clean."
"I don't do drugs. I am drugs."
"I smoke weed because it makes me feel like I’m on a roller coaster, and I just love roller coasters."
"The only thing I know is that I know nothing. At least I know that!"
"I think I might be a little addicted to caffeine, but if you think about it, caffeine is just a drug that’s legal. Just like weed, only more acceptable."
"I never thought I would get addicted to anything. But I’m addicted to the things that make me happy."
"If everyone smoked weed, the world would be a better place."
"Why is marijuana not legal everywhere? I mean, we have liquor stores on every corner and they’re selling you poison."
"I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the renaissance."
"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
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"I just want to say one word to you, just one word: 'Plastics.'"
"If I had to choose a religion, the sun as the universal giver of life would be my god."
"Cannabis is not a drug, it’s a plant. It’s like saying jam is a drug."
"A two-pound burger? You know, that’s just a snack!"
"I have a lot of friends. My accountant, my attorney, my banker – they’re all my friends."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"I don’t know why I’m laughing, I’m just high."
"I’m just here for the snacks."
"Being high is a lot like being in love."
"If you can’t beat them, smoke them."
"You know you’re a stoner when your friends don’t call you anymore... they just text you."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I can’t drive 55... because I’m too busy enjoying the ride!"
"The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up."
"If I had a dollar for every time I had a dollar, I’d be broke."
"I don’t do drugs. I am drugs."
"A dream without a purpose is just a wish."
"I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me."
"Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans."
"The only thing stoned is the one who thinks they’re not funny."
"I’m not addicted to marijuana, I’m just really good at it."
"I’ve reached the age where my brain goes from ‘You probably shouldn’t say that’ to ‘What the hell, let’s see what happens!'"
"Sometimes I wonder if my dog is plotting to kill me. But then, I think, Nah, he’s probably just hungry."
"My New Year’s resolution is to be more optimistic, but then again, I might not bother."
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I used to think I was just a person who liked to smoke weed, then I realized I was actually a weed enthusiast with no money."
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
"There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find that funny."
"I know the voices in my head aren’t real, but sometimes their ideas are just too good to ignore."
"I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down."
"I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are weak?"
"Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else."
"I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time."
"I used to think marijuana was illegal. Now I think it is illegal not to have it."
"When I was a kid, I inhaled frequently. That was the point."
"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut."
"If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate."
"You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer."
"Marijuana is part of my religion."
"I don't think you should be able to get a burger and a beer without also being able to buy a joint."
"I used to smoke weed, but I have to stop. I can’t remember why."
"Why is it that when I think about a better world, the only thing I can find is a pizza."
"I’d like to be able to see a movie called 'Stoner Party’... I’m willing to be in it."
"I feel like I'm you know... in a really good place in my life right now. And that place is... the couch."
"The only thing that would make this day better is if I had a sandwich."
"Cannabis is not addictive. The only addiction is to the taste of it."
"I’d finally reached that point in my career where I was free to do whatever I wanted, which is why I never took to it like a skinny kid to weed."
"You know you're a stoner when your friends say, 'Let's get some munchies' and you're already in the kitchen."
"I’d love to see a study that examines the correlation between eating cereal and your productivity."
"Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness."
"I know I'm going to sound like such a stoner saying this, but TRUTH is like knowledge, it can be a double-edged sword."
"One thing about stoners is that they always come back for seconds."
"There are two types of people in the world: people who do drugs and people who deal with people who do drugs."
"Stoners are often misunderstood. They just have a very, very deep appreciation for the moment."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"You can't be awake for all of your life. Sometimes you have to sleep for five, maybe six hours."
"Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit."
"I wish I could be as thin as my patience."
"Oh, I love to listen when people are talking about nutrition, because I’m a strong advocate of pizza."
"I just can't figure out why my TV remote isn't working, you know? It's like a conspiracy."
"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana."
"I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
"Some people just can't handle it. They can't handle the truth! You know what they can't handle? A good high!"
"My weed dealer is my favorite therapist."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure."
"I don't do drugs. I set plants on fire and breathe."
"If marijuana makes you lazy, then I must be a real overachiever!"
"I can’t tell if I’m more stoned or just really bored."
"Why does the world revolve around Earth? Because it’s too high to leave!"
"Smoke weed every day. That's a good motto, but not a good lifestyle."
"Everything is better when you're high, except a plane."
"If you think there's a difference between good and bad weed, you probably smoke bad weed."
"I can't wait to get out of this high and go back to being lazy."
"I’ve been a bad influence on myself."
"I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to my weed."
"It's 4:20 somewhere."
"Don't worry. I'm just focusing on all the important things in life... like snacks."
"When in doubt, just add more cheese."
"If you can't remember my name, just say 'Bong.'"
"You know you're a stoner when you realize you're talking to your food."
"Why did the stoner cross the road? To get to the other side, man."
"I think everyone should have to subscribe to a monthly cannabis delivery service just to keep things interesting."
"Worst case scenario, I’ll just instantly fall asleep."
"A stoner's biggest fear: Running out of snacks."
"Time is a concept invented by cows. That’s why they’re always late."
"You can't buy happiness, but you can buy weed and that's kind of the same thing."
"I don’t have a short attention span, I just... Oh look, a squirrel!"
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