113 result(s) for Funny Smartass Quotes.
"I haven't been wrong since 1961, when I thought I made a mistake."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me Kit Kats."
"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
"I used to care, but now I take a pill for that."
"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I'm on the patch right now, you know, for over-eating…"
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode."
"I don’t always lose my phone, but when I do, it’s always on silent."
"If I were any happier, I'd be twins."
"I have a great sense of humor—my favorite joke is me trying to pay off my student loans."
"My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing."
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
"I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."
"I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it."
"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."
"I’m not short; I’m concentrated awesome."
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"My thoughts are like butterflies. They flit about and get lost in the clouds."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"I'm not lazy. I'm on energy-saving mode."
"Can I take your order? No, just my order to go."
"I am an early bird and a night owl... so I’m wise and I have worms."
"I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying."
"I'm no good at math, but I do know that a bad haircut is forever."
"Insanity is my only means of relaxation."
"The only thing you’ll ever get from a computer is what you put into it—and an occasional virus."
"If I were to die right now, life would be what I make of it."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"I don’t need a mood ring; I have a personality."
"Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring. So I go back to being me."
"Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"I thought I was smart until I realized that I’m just really good at Googling."
"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure."
"If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong."
"I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I have nothing to wear, which is why I need a whole new wardrobe."
"My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and it froze!"
"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"I’m not short, I’m fun size!"
"Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice."
"I may be a bad influence, but I make you feel good about it."
"I finally know what I want to be when I grow up: I want to be a kid again."
"Sarcasm: because beating the crap out of people is illegal."
"I’m in shape. Round is a shape."
"I don’t always lose my phone, but when I do, it’s on silent."
"Sometimes I wish I could be a kid again. Pushing all my limits like there’s no tomorrow."
"I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"I would like to see you approach a crowded elevator and state your opinion about its contents."
"I need a six-month vacation, twice a year."
"When nothing goes right, go left."
"I finally got in shape. It took a long time, but I'm finally round."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach photos."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day."
"I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure."
"I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!"
"My wallet is like an onion; opening it makes me cry."
"I think they are trying to kill me because what I do is too funny."
"I don’t have a carbon footprint, I just drive everywhere."
"A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory."
"If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you."
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."
"Every time I try to eat healthy, along comes a cupcake that wants to be my friend."
"I didn’t fall. I’m just spending some quality time with the floor."
"You can’t be late until you show up."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work."
"I was going to tell a time traveling joke, but you didn’t like it."
"My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed her. Now we wait."
"You can’t make everybody happy. You’re not a taco."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you."
"I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you."
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
"I’m on the patch to self-improvement—every day I strive to do better than I did yesterday, and most days I succeed."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"I am not lazy; I am on energy-saving mode."
"I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere."
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target."
"I finally got around to reading 'The Book of A Thousand and One Nights'. I finished it in one night. It was well worth it."
"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
"Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd rather have been talking."
"The difference between a smartass and a genius is that a genius has his limits."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"I’m not a complete idiot—some parts are missing!"
"You're unique, just like everyone else."
"I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode."
"Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"Don’t worry, the dinosaurs are still out of cones."
"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."
"If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success."
"Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need to get my opinion in."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
