112 result(s) for Funny Short Quotes For Adults.
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you. Cheers!"
"The older I get, the better I was."
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
"Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring. So I go back to being me."
"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
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"I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"My therapist told me a good way to achieve a balance in life is to have a little chaos mixed with a little order. So I started a circus in my backyard."
"I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut."
"I can't even think straight. That's why my thoughts prefer to dance."
"Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice."
"You can't make everybody happy. You're not a pizza."
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done something stupid only to have my hair come out fabulous."
"It’s not that I’m so smart; it’s just that I stay with problems longer."
"I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever."
"The best things in life are free. The second best are very expensive."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"If you think you're too small to be effective, you've never been in bed with a mosquito."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
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"A clean house is a sign of a broken computer."
"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."
"I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that."
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me."
"If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public."
"I can't believe I just said that! Oh wait, yes I can."
"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done."
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"The only thing that stands between me and my goals is the unimpressive amount of discomfort I’m willing to endure."
"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something."
"Whatever you do, don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out alive."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it."
"I refused to believe that I was a bad driver. Until I got hit by a parked car."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you."
"I don’t need you to be a good, decent, respectable man. I need you to be a man."
"If you can’t convince them, confuse them."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: That she was seeing a psychiatrist, two or three times a week."
"I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor."
"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target."
"I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it."
"When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."
"What is a committee? A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done."
"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
"I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches."
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"The only reason I would run is if the cops were chasing me."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"Not all who wander are lost. Some are just looking for coffee."
"I finally found a diet that works. I got rid of all my bad habits, and now all I do is eat!"
"I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it."
"My wallet is like an onion; opening it makes me cry."
"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
"I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted paychecks."
"Why is it that we put off putting off until tomorrow?"
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two therapists, and a bartender."
"I can’t wait to retire and be a kid again."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch."
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"The only thing I lift is my coffee."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and it froze."
"I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away."
"I really can't stop eating all the time. I'm in a serious relationship with food."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy."
"I'm not short, I'm fun-sized!"
"I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"Some days you’re the bug, some days you’re the windshield."
"You're never too old to learn something stupid."
"If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito."
"I woke up this morning and couldn’t find my socks. I thought I had put them in the drawer, but it turns out they were just hiding from my life."
"The best part of being over 40 is that you did most of your crime before the age of 40."
"My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do."
"The only time I set the bar low is for vices."
"I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere."
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