89 result(s) for Funny Quotes That Make You Laugh.
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure."
"I always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore, always carry a small snake."
"I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere."
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"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up because I just couldn’t keep up my own faith."
"I failed math so many times at school, I can't even count."
"The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality."
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
"If you think that you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
"I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"If you can't laugh at yourself, you probably don't have any competition."
"My therapist told me that time heals all wounds. So I guess I’ll take a while to get a new therapist."
"I am not arguing with you, I am just explaining why you are wrong."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode."
"I didn't fall, I'm just spending some quality time with the floor."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
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"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I finally found out what is wrong with my brain: on the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left."
"I think my neighbor is stalking me, she was googling my name on her computer."
"You know you're lazy when you go to bed just to see how long it takes you to fall asleep."
"Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"He who laughs last didn't get the joke."
"A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory."
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
"I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing."
"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."
"I don't need a hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"There's no 'we' in fries."
"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one."
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"I am incredibly funny, just ask my imaginary friend."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"I would like to be a Roman Catholic, but I am too fond of the meatballs."
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow."
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy."
"Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a brighter day."
"I always give 100 percent at work: 12 percent on Monday, 23 percent on Tuesday, 40 percent on Wednesday, and 25 percent on Thursday."
"Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese."
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"I can resist everything except temptation."
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"The only thing I dread is the day I wake up and can no longer laugh."
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"If you can't laugh at yourself, you might be missing the best comedy in the world."
"I know I'm in my own little world, but it's okay. They know me here."
"I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."
"I am on the patch right now of wanting to be productive and being asleep."
"I don't have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere."
"Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I don’t need a hair stylist. My pillows give me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"The only reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception."
"I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"The best way to predict your future is to create it."
"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans."
"I am an illiterate who could read a lot of books."
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
"I’m on the patch for exercise, so I don’t have to go."
"I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it."
"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on."
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