101 result(s) for Funny Quotes That Make No Sense.
"Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact."
"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!"
"A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory."
"I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!"
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target."
"I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
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"I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me."
"I used to be normal, until I started hanging out with weirdos."
"The only time I set the bar low is for limbo."
"Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet."
"I didn’t know I was a comedian until I told my first joke."
"I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"If I had a dollar for every time I had a dollar, I’d be rich!"
"I can’t believe I got fired from the bank for withdrawing my own money."
"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana."
"I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears, and sweat. And lunch."
"Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else."
"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
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"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
"I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke."
"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
"I can’t wait to be on my deathbed and tell my kids that their father was a superhero."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, 'They’re right behind you.'"
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her."
"I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is 'Goodbye.'"
"Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be."
"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure."
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"Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!"
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it."
"If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?"
"I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"
"The only time I agree with my wife is when I say 'You're right.'"
"Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan!"
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"Never trust an atom. They make up everything!"
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
"I had a nightmare about a pillow last night. It was a real cushion for my fears."
"The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality."
"My dog is my co-pilot, but I’m worried he’s getting too comfortable in the passenger seat."
"Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!"
"Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because you can see right through them!"
"I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough."
"An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough."
"I have a pen that can write underwater. It’s got a really cool feature!"
"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I mean, if I had to choose between you and the 30 seconds it takes to write a grocery list, I still might pick the grocery list."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"I would like to live in Monaco, but it would be too difficult skipping my mortgage payments."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. All it does is collect dust."
"Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether."
"My therapist says time heals all wounds, so I guess she doesn’t know how to sew."
"I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you."
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I can’t believe I still have to pay taxes. I thought you only had to do that when you grow up."
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer."
"The only thing I take seriously is my jokes."
"Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was excellent."
"I’ve got a great ambition to die of exhaustion rather than boredom."
"If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you."
"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done."
"It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer."
"I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."
"I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
"When nothing goes right, go left."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"I’ve reached the age where my brain goes from 'You probably shouldn’t say that' to 'What the hell, let’s see what happens!'"
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"I've never seen a sit-up, but I can sit down and stand up just fine."
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