127 result(s) for Funny Military Quotes.
"I can't tell you how many times I've been shot at. It's like being a letter carrier, but with more walking."
"It’s a good thing I was not a soldier. I would have ended up in the brig for sarcastic remarks."
"In the Army, you can be anything you want. You just have to lie about your qualifications."
"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I was a soldier, but my commanding officer said I was more than that. I was a 'misunderstood' soldier."
"You know you're a veteran when your military ID is older than half the people you work with."
"The only thing worse than getting shot at is getting shot at and missing lunch."
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"There’s nothing more dangerous than a resourceful soldier with a sense of humor."
"I am a soldier, not a spy. I can't multiply."
"If you think about it, the good news is that no one wants to attack a country with a budget deficit."
"The problem with the military is that they give you a sense of humor and then they tell you to take it out on the enemy."
"We don't march to a different drummer; we march to a different band altogether."
"The next time you think you're in charge, remember that the Sergeant can just call for a detail."
"You can’t really be a hero if you don't have a sense of humor about it."
"War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography."
"An army marches on its stomach, and you are what you eat. So please, pass the donuts."
"I was a sergeant, but people kept calling me ‘Mr.’ I haven’t been promoted in years, can you blame them?"
"We are not retreating, we are advancing in a different direction."
"I thought I was a model soldier until the army wanted me to model myself after their average soldier."
"If I can’t be a soldier, I will be a soldier’s therapist. I can complain about them from a distance."
"There are two types of people in the army: those who can add and those who can’t."
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"The military uses acronyms for everything. Some of them aren’t even meant to be funny, but we laugh anyway."
"I wish I could be as thin as my patience towards the army’s bureaucracy."
"The military don't do romance."
"I'm not saying I'm in charge. I'm just saying that I could be if I wanted to."
"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull."
"The military is a lot like a circus; many clowns, lots of juggling, and occasionally, a lion tamer."
"I wanted to be a soldier, but my mother said I had to take off my pajamas first."
"I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been meaning to kill somebody and never got around to it."
"No one ever dies wishing they had spent more time at work."
"Wars are not won by evacuations."
"I don't know what the **weapons** will be like in World War III, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
"You're never beaten until you admit it."
"To be prepared is half the victory."
"The only thing worse than a soldier's motto is his haircut."
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"You can't make a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant."
"The only thing I like better than a good soldier is a good barber."
"The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war."
"Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer; then you’ll know what crazy thing they’re going to do next."
"In combat, you should pay attention to the little things. If you don't, they will get you."
"We are not retreating – we are advancing in another direction."
"The best way to get a job done is to be so busy that people forget to ask if you know how to do it."
"It's important to be in the moment unless you want to be blown up."
"A soldier will fight long and hard for a bit of colored ribbon."
"In war, truth is the first casualty."
"The quickest way to change a soldier’s mind is by placing a gun to his head."
"If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn’t plan your mission properly."
"I’m not saying I’m Batman, but I’ve never seen Batman and a soldier in the same room."
"The brass will tell you that nothing is absolute in combat. Well, neither is a good haircut."
"Why is it that we are always at war, and yet, every time a soldier wakes up, the first thing he does is check his own shoes?"
"Some of my best friends are commanders. They keep me sharp and they keep me safe, so just keep them away from my lunch."
"The military is a place where you have to follow orders. Unless, of course, the orders are not to eat the last donut."
"In the Army, I learned that the toughest steel is tempered in the hottest fire. And donuts are the best fuel for that fire."
"I don't know what happened to my dog. He just got back from the Army and now he's gone AWOL."
"The only thing harder than being in the Army is finding a good barber on base."
"Combat is the only thing worse than a finance meeting."
"I have a friend in the Army who is so brave, he actually answers the phone when his mother calls."
"The military doesn’t have a monopoly on being misplaced; just ask my sock drawer."
"It is said that war is hell, but apparently the cafeteria food is worse."
"The only thing more dangerous than a soldier with a sense of humor is a soldier with two weeks of leave."
"To be a soldier, you must love your life. To be a soldier’s spouse, you must humor your life."
"I finally understand why they call it 'Basic Training.' It’s the basic way to lose your mind."
"I heard military planes on training runs are just a way to heighten the drama of my laundry day."
"I joined the military to avoid the draft. The next thing I knew, I was wearing camouflage in my own living room."
"Anyone who thinks I’m tough never saw me try to open a can of military-issue vegetables."
"If at first you don’t succeed, call in an airstrike."
"The enemy is in front of us. Somebody call Air Support… and a pizza place."
"A soldier is a hero, but sometimes he just needs a nap."
"When all else fails, mumble something about the chain of command."
"In the military, we learn to dodge bullets, but nothing prepares you for dodging questions from grandma."
"I thought boot camp was just like summer camp with more push-ups."
"You know how they say that a soldier is only as good as his equipment? Well, I quickly discovered my equipment included a broken radio and a malfunctioning GPS."
"Landmines are just like bad jokes—why step on them when you can just point and laugh?"
"I signed up for the Army, and all I got was this lousy uniform and a free haircut."
"In the military, the only moments of silence you’ll have are at the end of your phone conversations."
"I don’t know what this world is coming to."
"The military don’t give a damn about your personal problems. They will use you until they don’t need you anymore."
"You can’t get an airman to quit smoking. If you can’t extinguish a cigarette, how do you expect them to use a fire extinguisher?"
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire."
"In the Army, you can’t get on your knees and tell the drill sergeant that you want to quit. You have to be in it to win it."
"The problem with the military is that there are too many officers and not enough gentlemen."
"I have this feeling that behind every great commander, there is an even greater officer who is really doing all the work."
"When in doubt, empty the magazine."
"I’m in shape. Round is a shape."
"The key to victory is staying focused and using your senses—unless your senses are lying to you, then it’s time to reload."
"The only thing worse than being on the front line is being in the rear with the gear."
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
"It's a long way to the top if you want to rock 'n' roll… unless you’re in the military, in which case, it’s a long way to nowhere."
"I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"Any ship can be a minesweeper… once."
"If you’re in a war and you’re not laughing, you’re not doing it right."
"The only thing harder than getting into the military is getting out of it without a scar."
"War is glory, but it’s also a lot of paperwork."
"The best part of getting a new uniform is the smell of the newness; the worst part is it doesn’t last long enough."
"You can’t put a price on freedom, but you can certainly put a price on it if you’re in the military."
"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference. The Marines don’t have that problem."
"If the army wanted you to have a wife, they would have issued you one."
"There are no atheists in foxholes—only those who believe in a higher power, and those who just want to survive."
"A soldier’s pay is not determined by how hard he works, but by how long he can stall the paperwork."
"You know you’re in the military when it takes longer to put on your uniform than it does to do your job."
"The toughest part of military training is realizing the drill sergeant can see you even when you think you’re invisible."
"The army is a great place to be if you want to be tired, dirty, and miserable. Unfortunately, those are my favorite things."
"I don’t know what weapon World War III will be fought with, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
"I'm not a pessimist. I'm an optimist with experience."
"I have never been lost, but I will admit to being confused for several weeks."
"There are only two kinds of people in the world: those who love the military and those who have never been in it."
"We’re all volunteers here. Some people try to escape at the end of the day; I try to escape before it starts."
"The only time I feel like a full citizen is when I’m wearing my uniform. The only time I feel like a human is when I’m out of it."
"You can’t be a good soldier without a sense of humor. A good soldier just goes on laughing and dies with a smile."
"I want to know why the aircraft is so well designed, yet it is piloted by someone who can’t fly in a straight line."
"We are surrounded by insurmountable opportunities."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"A veteran is someone who, at one point in his or her life, wrote a blank check made payable to 'The United States of America' for an amount of 'up to and including my life'."
"Being in the military is simply the application of our funny bone to serious situations."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"The only thing worse than training your subordinates and having them leave is not training them and having them stay."
"A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow."
"The difference between a soldier and a civilian is that a soldier never complains about being tired, he just gets extra coffee instead."
"Sometimes I think I’m a little too specialized to be useful in the war effort."
"When all is said and done, more is said than done."
"It's a funny thing about the Army: you can feel right at home and completely lost at the same time."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools."
"The toughest part of being in the army is that nobody shaves your back."
"The key to victory is to concentrate and think, 'the enemy is just as confused as I am.'"
"If you think the military is tough, try doing laundry on a ship."
"A soldier who doesn’t understand humor is like a boat without a sail."
"If there’s one thing I can do, it’s give you a reason to doubt my ability to do it."
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