130 result(s) for Funny Medieval Quotes.
"The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. An evil soul producing holy witness is like a villain with a smiling cheek."
"A king can do no wrong; but a king can be a fool."
"I am crumpled like a pot of butter; you wouldn’t believe it to see me."
"At my house, I can do what I like,"
"If we should be told the truth, we would not believe it!"
"In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a nice tree and get a good book."
"By my troth, I am exceeding unwell!"
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"Anyone who thinks that a man of lowly birth has no hopes of entering Heaven has never seen a ladder."
"I’d rather be a chicken than a cockerel! At least the hen will give you eggs."
"Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall."
"He that is his own god is a fool."
"Nothing is certain but death and taxes — and even death might not be permanent!"
"The only thing more dangerous than ignorance is arrogance."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"He who laughs last, laughs best."
"You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs — even if it means upsetting a dragon!"
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you."
"I think the recipe is simple: just lose your stomach and your mind first!"
"There is nothing like a good conscience, as long as you can keep yourself from feeling one."
"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
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"There’s no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing."
"If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there."
"When the going gets tough, the tough get going, but the wise take a nap first!"
"Many a good tale is told over a bad ale."
"I have a great mind to see a man’s face in a sack."
"My lord lies in the thicket and I have not the heart to frighten his beast."
"A man may die, but his name shall live."
"I am a king, and I am not afraid of being noble!"
"He who laughs last, thinks slowest."
"There's no need to worry. I have the solution. Off with their heads!"
"The more I read, the more I feel like I truly understand the foolishness of men."
"It is better to be a witty fool than a foolish wit."
"Lord, what fools these mortals be!"
"A jester uncut is not worth a penny."
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"Fools rush in where angels fear to tread."
"To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer."
"A king should never see a cow’s backside unless he has a bucket of milk to keep him safe."
"If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with nonsense."
"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt."
"The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones."
"I can't tell you how many times I've been invited to a banquet uninvited."
"The road to ruin is paved with good intentions."
"When you’re on a roll, don’t stop - just keep rolling downhill."
"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people."
"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."
"If you can't make it good, at least make it look good."
"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana."
"The only way to have a friend is to be one."
"Every aisle is a gauntlet of promises unfulfilled."
"A wise man once said nothing at all."
"The pen may be mightier than the sword, but the sword costs more, and that's what matters."
"A good knight's armor is like a stylish suit; it only impresses until the first battle."
"An earnest monk is a rare sight, like a jester without a joke."
"When life gives you lemons, trade them for a cow. Just make sure the cow is not too hungry."
"I told my lord I wanted a raise, and he handed me a coin and said, 'Here’s some pocket change for your troubles.'"
"Why did the knight always carry a pencil? Because he wanted to draw his sword!"
"A man in armor is a man in despair; he can’t even find a place to sit."
"It’s hard to find a chivalrous knight in these dark days - I suppose they’re all busy polishing their armor!"
"The only thing harder than a knight's resolve is his codpiece."
"I once asked a wizard how to get rich; he turned me into a frog and said, 'Kiss the next fair maiden!' Now I'm broke and slimy."
"He who laughs last probably didn’t get the point of the joust."
"I heard the king was concerned about his hairline; I told him, 'Your crown is holding it back just fine, my lord!'"
"A witch may be ugly, but she’s got a good sense of humor; you just have to survive her spell!"
"Getting knighted is great, but I prefer my bed - it’s softer and doesn’t come with an armor fee."
"They call me a blacksmith, but mostly I just forge bad puns!"
"I told the baker his bread was stale; he replied, 'Well, my dear, it's aged just like fine wine!'"
"In the game of thrones, the real winner is the one who never runs out of ale!"
"The village madman may be the wisest among us; at least he knows where all the good mushrooms grow!"
"Why did the dragon go to therapy? He had a lot of burning issues."
"A jester’s job is to speak the truth with wit because it’s too dangerous to whisper it."
"Knights may quest for glory, but you'll find me questing for cheese!"
"When the plague comes, the jester laughs; after all, he's the only one still standing!"
"If you can't beat the knight, you might as well entertain him!"
"A courtier's compliment is as empty as a beggar's purse."
"You can't make everyone happy; you're not a castle with a moat!"
"It’s only a matter of time before the tide turns; make sure you’re not standing in a puddle!"
"The greatest rogue in the world is a hungry man."
"I can call spirits from the vasty deep."
"The wheel is come full circle."
"The law is hard, but it is the law."
"For she was just as whom she seemed."
"A man may do what he will, but not what he can."
"When I am a king, I will be a very different kind of king."
"The first casualty of war is innocence."
"Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise."
"Men are more concerned about their reputation with others than about their relationship with God."
"He who laughs at himself never runs out of things to laugh at."
"The shy man doesn’t see much of life."
"Truth is the daughter of time, not of authority."
"The pen is mightier than the sword."
"If Shakespeare had been a politician, he would have pulled off the biggest con."
"The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated."
"I have nothing to declare but my genius."
"All that is gold does not glitter."
"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."
"The best way to predict the future is to invent it."
"To laugh at yourself is to love yourself."
"He who laughs last didn’t get the joke."
"My way of joking is to tell the truth."
"A good friend will always stab you in the front."
"If you can’t laugh at yourself, you don’t have the right to laugh at others."
"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot."
"A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool."
"The difference between a cat and a comma is that a cat has claws at the end of its paws; a comma is a pause at the end of a clause."
"I am as vexed as a hen that hath lost her egg."
"Why did the king go to the dentist? To get his teeth crowned."
"One day, the king's physician treated a knight for an illness caused by excessive drinking. The knight laughed and said, 'You think you can cure my drunkenness? Aye, but only when the wine runs dry!'"
"I'd tell you a joke about medieval architecture, but it’s not very well constructed."
"If thou canst not be a good example, then thou shalt serve as a cautionary tale."
"A sarcastic knight is better than a silent fool."
"Why did the jester bring a ladder? To reach the high notes!"
"Those who make you laugh are the keepers of joy."
"A peasant in the field is worth two nobles in the castle, especially when it comes to avoiding taxes!"
"Knighthood is just a bold charm for those who can't afford armor."
"The mind is like a medieval castle; it can be a castle of solitude, but also a fortress of folly."
"An archer is a man who practices great patience—and you thought farmers had it tough!"
"Medieval men don’t make plans; they just wait for their horses to tell them where to go."
"Chivalry is just a fancy word for treating women better than your horse."
"Why are you in armor? Because I heard ‘dress to impress!’"
"A wise man once said that the best place to hide from the village gossip is right under the village gossip’s nose."
"The rabble thinks that a jest demands a laugh, but I say, it’s the silence that holds the weight of truth."
"If thou wouldst keep thy tongue sharp, keep thy wits dull with ale!"
"How many knights does it take to change a light bulb? None, they prefer to fight in the dark!"
"A knight's greatest weapon is his wit; even a sword can't cut a fool's laugh!"
"Be careful of the jester; he’ll make you laugh and then steal your purse while you’re distracted!"
"In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed jester is king."
"The squeaky wheel gets the grease, but the noisy fool gets the jester’s hat!"
"Beware of knights bearing gifts, for they may come to jest."
"A merry heart goes all the way; just keep your sword close!"
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