113 result(s) for Funny Husband Quotes.
"My husband and I have never been in a fight. It’s just that I am always right."
"I asked my husband to stop impersonating a flamingo. He had to put his foot down."
"For all the married people out there, remember: it’s not a disaster when you fight; it’s an adventure!"
"I’m not saying my husband is a bad cook, but he’s got a few culinary ‘surprises’ up his sleeve."
"One day, my husband told me he was going to buy me a diamond ring for Christmas. I said, 'Ouch! Why?'"
"There is no such thing as an ideal husband. A man who wants to get married but is afraid of commitment is the ideal husband."
"My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said."
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"I love my husband, but he's a lot like my computer. He gets a little temperamental at times."
"My husband is a great cook... he can make takeout disappear in just a few minutes!"
"A man in love is incomplete until he has married. After that, he’s finished."
"Husbands are like wine; they take time to mature."
"My husband is the funniest person I know. He's not always funny, but he tries!"
"If your husband and your dog don’t like the same person, you’ve got a problem."
"I love my husband because he always sees the silver lining in my shopping sprees."
"You know you're a dad when you catch yourself saying, 'Because I said so!'"
"A happy wife is a happy life, unless she keeps talking about her husband."
"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it."
"In my house, I’m the boss and my husband is just the decision-maker."
"A husband is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
"I'm married to a man who thinks asking for directions is a sign of weakness."
"The most effective way to destroy a marriage is a husband who believes he’s right all the time!"
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"My husband told me he’d buy me a new car if I would only stop talking about the old one."
"Marriage is a great institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And then it was too late."
"My wife and I have figured out how to stay married. We go out to eat twice a week. She goes on Tuesdays and I go on Fridays."
"I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always."
"A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband."
"You know what I love most about my wife? The fun house mirror that is our bathroom glass. I look down at my sagging belly, and it makes me feel joyful!"
"When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife."
"To be happy in marriage, it is the woman who provides the magic."
"A man is not complete until he is married. After that, he is finished."
"I don't need a therapist, I have a wife."
"Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you are looking for a club and a spade."
"Husbands are like wine; they take a long time to mature."
"I don't want to be married to someone who is perfect. I want to be married to someone who is fun."
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"In my house, I'm the boss, and my wife is just the decision-maker."
"The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret."
"A husband is what is left of a lover after the nerve has been extracted."
"My wife is my favorite distraction."
"When a husband says, 'I’ll think about it,' he means, 'No.'"
"I told my husband he should do lunges to stay in shape. That was a big step forward."
"I want my husband to believe that my love is growing. After all, you can never stop a woman from shopping!"
"My wife has a long memory, she never forgets a single mistake I've made – they remind me every day!"
"My husband and I are like a nut and a bolt. We go together perfectly in public, and at home, we just go nuts."
"I have a husband who is so good at doing nothing that I’ve had to learn to do it too."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"My husband thinks he’s a ‘real man’ because he does all the work around the house. What he doesn’t know is I just hide the remote."
"A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house."
"The only thing worse than being married is being married to a comedian."
"My husband is still my best friend, he's also my tax deduction."
"I married a man who had a beard. Just to be clear, I don’t mean it in the ‘a man with a beard is sexy’ wink, wink way; it was just so I wouldn’t have to shave my legs."
"Husbands: they make you feel better about your cooking skills when they take out the trash."
"I love it when my husband gets out of the shower so I can see his impressed face."
"My husband has a 5-minute rule. Okay, it’s a 5-minute rule for everything — if it takes longer than that, he doesn’t want to hear about it."
"I married my husband for his looks, but not the ones he’s been giving me lately!"
"A husband is a guy who is supposed to listen. He’s supposed to be the one who feels your pain and listens to you rant for hours about how the children are driving you crazy."
"Most husbands are like a good book; they take too long to get into but are usually worth it!"
"Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday."
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
"Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed."
"My husband has a terrific sense of humor, especially when he's lying to me."
"A husband is a man who takes all the blame."
"I told my wife if she ever left me, I would find her. There’s no way I’d let her take the kids!"
"Being a husband is like being a refrigerator. You always have to stay cool and keep things fresh."
"My husband and I are like a dungeon and a dragon. He is the dungeon, and I’m the dragon. I’m out here slaying and he’s just waiting to be put in the ground."
"I love my husband. The only thing I would change about him is his haircut."
"Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one."
"My husband thinks he’s a comedian. I’m still waiting for the punchline."
"I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her."
"If you want to know what a man’s like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals."
"I married my wife for her looks. Just not the looks she’s giving me now."
"My husband is a great cook. He always lets me know when the microwaves are ready."
"Married life is full of surprises. Just when you think you know your husband, he goes and starts organizing his socks."
"My husband is the most wonderful person, but I think we are both getting too old for this game of football - we spend too much time in the huddle."
"Every time I forget to put the cap on the toothpaste, my husband acts like I have committed high treason."
"My husband and I have a system. When I say something wrong, he gives me the ‘whoops’ look, and I apologize...again."
"A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted."
"I told my husband he should embrace his mistakes. He gave me a hug."
"Husbands are like appliances: you can’t live without them but sometimes you want to throw them out the window."
"My husband says he can’t keep up with my list of dislikes. I guess that’s why he calls me his greatest challenge."
"A good husband makes a good wife."
"My husband is a powerful musician. Every time I get mad at him, he pulls out his guitar."
"I asked my husband to let me know the next time he’s in the mood, so I could hide."
"Having a husband is like having a portable therapist. Except my therapist doesn’t take out the trash."
"Marriage is an adventure that can be as thrilling as a scenic walk—but with multiple 'detours' and a 'detour ahead' sign every five minutes!"
"The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. The second most important thing is to not act like an idiot."
"A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers."
"Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"My husband and I are like a team of horses. We can be pretty loud, but eventually we get things done."
"Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener."
"My husband thinks he's a DIY expert. Really, he's just a specialist in 'Did It Yourself' disasters."
"A good husband is never the first to go to sleep at night or the last to awake in the morning."
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
"When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife."
"Marriage is two people asking each other for forgiveness. More often than not, you're just asking for the remote control."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy."
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. Then it was too late."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"My husband is the best partner in crime. He just has to break the law first."
"It’s not about who’s right or wrong in a marriage. It’s about who’s throwing away the trash."
"Being a good husband is like being a good detective. You have to keep looking for clues."
"Husbands are like kids. They need to be told when to stop playing."
"My husband doesn’t listen to me. At least I can say that. He doesn’t even hear me arguing!"
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
"Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade."
"A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished."
"I don’t believe in the word ‘over.’ I believe in the word ‘ignore.’ My husband ignores the laundry."
"The best thing to hold onto in life is each other. Even if he’s holding onto the last slice of pizza."
"I love my husband. He’s a keeper. Especially after I’ve hidden the remote."
"A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been extracted."
"The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother—unless she won’t let him watch TV."
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