121 result(s) for Funny Divorce Quotes.
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
"I can’t believe I’m getting divorced. I can’t even believe I got married!"
"Divorce: The only human institution that reduces a human being to a fraction of themselves."
"I thought I was a disaster area, but I was just a divorcee."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"Before you get married, keep both eyes open; after you marry, close one eye."
"When you’re finished changing, you’re finished."
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"I have seen a lot of couples in therapy, and I am a couple. We just don’t see our being single as a higher level of coping."
"A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there’s less of you."
"I never married. I’ve never been divorced. When people ask me how I stay single, I tell them I just keep changing my name!"
"It’s better to have loved and lost than to be stuck with a loser."
"Divorce is a declaration of independence with only a slight hint of a traumatic break-up."
"Marriage is like a deck of cards. At the start, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth. She told me the psychiatrist was seeing other women."
"The only time I ever had a glass of wine was at my divorce settlement."
"I’m not going to commit to anyone until I see my therapist. It’s hard enough with just me."
"I thought marriage was a great idea. It kind of went downhill from there."
"I’m divorced, and I don’t regret a thing. Except for the wedding cake, that was great."
"Divorce is the price people pay for a messy marital life!"
"I always wanted to marry an heiress. But I’m still having trouble with married women!"
"Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. Divorce is nature's way of telling you to never forget to pay your attorney!"
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"Divorce is the light at the end of the tunnel. And sometimes it’s a train."
"They say that marital bliss can be found in a bottle. I said: Is that a divorce settlement?"
"I never knew how much my wife hated being married to me until I heard her yelling at me during the divorce."
"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: he gets better with age. The more I talked, the more she disagreed."
"My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have kids. If we did, we’d have to hire someone to take care of them."
"Marriage is a great institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"I’ve been divorced so long I’m surprised I’m not on a divorcee dating show."
"Divorce is the one human tragedy that reduces everything to cash."
"Just because I’m divorced doesn’t mean I have to wear my ‘I’m single’ t-shirt every day."
"The only thing worse than a divorce is a dinner party with your ex and their new spouse."
"I was married for a little over a year, then got divorced. Now it's like I’m collecting alimony points for a prize."
"I've learned that you shouldn't wait for the perfect moment, you should just take the moment and make it perfect – just like my divorce."
"Consider the divorce a challenge. If you can survive that, you can survive anything."
"Divorce corresponds to a death. It’s a difficult moment in life."
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"Being divorced involves a lot of paperwork, and the hardest part is all the smiling at strangers."
"My ex has a new boyfriend who looks like a potato. It’s a perfect match!"
"The best way to get over a divorce is to get under someone else."
"Divorce is the one legal procedure where you can end up paying someone to hate you."
"Divorce: where you can finally get a ‘peace order’ against someone you used to love."
"I found out my ex-wife is a ‘couch potato,’ which explains a lot about our marriage."
"Divorce, like a hurricane, can uproot everyone and everything, leaving a mess behind."
"Life gives you a second chance. It’s called divorce."
"Remember that every time you break a heart, you make the wife of your ex cry. And it’s still funny."
"My ex and I had a laugh at our wedding... then we got divorced, and it got really funny."
"If only I had known that divorce meant I could live life to the fullest!"
"I thought I was financially disabled all of my marriage, but I found out the secret after the divorce!"
"After my divorce, I realized that love really is long-lived – just like my collection of divorce papers."
"Divorce: The future is bright, the past is a mess, and the present is a messier one."
"Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade."
"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met."
"It’s better to have loved and lost than to be married to a psycho."
"Divorce is like a tornado; it swirls you around and leaves you with a mess."
"You can’t be sad at a wedding if you have a good divorce lawyer."
"Divorced, but not defeated."
"Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy."
"Divorce: Because it’s easier than arguing about who gets the last slice of pizza."
"I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her."
"Divorce is just a change of address."
"You know you’re getting old when you have more divorce papers than you do dates."
"Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener."
"A divorce is like an amputation: you survive, but there’s less of you."
"I told my husband I wanted a fairytale marriage. So he proposed to me and then left me for someone else."
"Divorce is the legal ending of a very bad joke."
"The four stages of marriage: romance, frustration, catastrophe, and divorce."
"What’s the best thing about divorce? Every other weekend off!"
"After I divorced my husband, he found a new girlfriend. Then he got a job."
"A good divorce lawyer is like a good therapist: they both know how to train you to keep your mouth shut."
"I used to be married, but then I got a restraining order."
"If marriage is an institution, then divorce is an admission that you're a failing student."
"If at first you don’t succeed, maybe failure is your style. Just don’t get married again."
"Divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there's less of you."
"I think we should take a nice, leisurely divorce."
"Marriage is grand, but so is a divorce."
"I never knew how much I loved you until I divorced you."
"Divorce: the future is in our hands."
"My wife and I are happy for a long time, and then we get divorced."
"The only time I ever had a broken heart was when I lost my divorce papers."
"Divorce is just a synonym for a bad marriage."
"Divorce is the only option for a marriage that is in trouble."
"My ex-wife and I just couldn’t get along. We had to dissolve our marriage because we’re capable of doing better things."
"A divorce is like an organized divorce party: it's easier to let go when you're laughing."
"It's better to have loved and lost than to live with a psycho for the rest of your life."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"The four most dangerous words in marriage are 'what's for dinner?'"
"Divorce is how you make room for a better spouse."
"A happy marriage is a long conversation that always seems too short."
"I found my ex-wife’s wedding dress. It was still fresh and I thought, ‘If you can get a second chance with the dress, maybe we can get a second chance with the marriage.’ But I realized that dress wouldn’t fit anymore."
"Divorce is not the end — it's just a new beginning in disguise."
"I’m not saying we should get divorced, but if we do, I’ll do it tomorrow."
"The one significant thing that people all seem to agree on is that marriage isn’t what it used to be until divorce comes along."
"In marriage, if you're not careful, you'll end up growing apart instead of together, and that's when divorce becomes the best option."
"I have an excellent shot at a great divorce. It runs on the same principle as marriage: aim high and miss low."
"I'm thankful for the years of marriage but even more thankful for the years of divorce."
"The only thing worse than a bad marriage is a bad divorce."
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got divorced."
"Divorce: the future tense of marriage."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I don’t think I could ever get divorced. I’m too scared about what my ex would say about me."
"The only time I enjoyed pressing wild flowers was when I was securing my divorce settlement."
"My wife and I got remarried. As far as we could tell, it was still the only way to get a divorce."
"Divorce is a game played by lawyers."
"I wish I had a dollar for every time I said, 'I do.'"
"What’s the best way to get over a divorce? Just make sure you get the last laugh."
"Divorce: the act of leaving your partner and your emotional baggage behind."
"A divorce is like an amputation; you survive, but there’s less of you."
"Divorce is simply the psychological transition from married to single."
"The only people who throw a divorce party are the people who are getting the new house and the kids."
"When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife."
"I told my attorney I want a divorce because my wife has a taste for adventure. He told me to be careful around the jungle."
"Just remember, no matter how bad your marriage seems, the thought of divorce can make it look like a walk in the park."
"In all of the divorces that have taken place over the years, there are still some that prefer to stay married for the benefits."
"Divorce is the one human institution that is a guaranteed failure."
"Marriage is a wonderful invention; but then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."
"You know you’re getting older when you start thinking about divorce as a good idea."
"In Hollywood, an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty percent of the publicity."
"The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that the lawyers take care of the paperwork."
"If you think you’re unhappy in your marriage, remember that divorce is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."
"A divorce is like a strong word. It takes a long time to heal."
"A divorce lawyer may wish they'd married you instead, just to get the fee."
"The only people who say marriage is a beautiful thing have never been divorced."
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