127 result(s) for Funny Mobster Quotes.
"I’m not a bad guy. I’m just a guy who made a bad decision in the heat of passion."
"You gotta ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do you, punk?"
"You know what they say: 'Behind every successful mobster is a surprised rival.'"
"The only thing better than a good nap is a good nap with a side of money laundering."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception."
"The mob doesn't need a bank; it has a safe and a very persuasive loan officer."
"My biggest fear is not death, it’s dying without my cappuccino."
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"I would rather die in a shootout than live without my cannoli."
"Money talks; and when it speaks, it sings like Sinatra."
"In my family, we don't talk; we just move our lips in Italian."
"I’m just a humble mobster trying to balance my checkbook and my conscience."
"What’s a family dinner without a little organized crime?"
"You’re not really living until you’ve had at least one run-in with the law."
"I didn’t kill anybody; I just made them disappear."
"You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy a good meal, and that’s pretty close."
"To me, the best part of being a mobster is the family gatherings."
"There's no such thing as bad publicity, unless you're a mob boss in witness protection."
"We’re all just one bad decision away from a life of crime… or a great pizza."
"Every time I’m arrested, my mama says a prayer; every time I’m released, I say a thank you."
"Leave the gun, take the cannoli."
"You only get one chance to make a good first impression; after that, it’s all about intimidation."
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"In this business, trust is hard to come by, but good pasta is everywhere."
"You are what you eat, but I’m not eating until I get my deal!"
"A good mobster knows that laughter is just about the only thing that keeps you out of jail."
"If you have to ask what’s in this sauce, you’ve never crossed me!"
"You know what they say: the bigger the hat, the bigger the peck. And boy, do I have a big hat!"
"I once shot a man just to watch him die. Now I realize I could have just waited for him to cross me."
"You can't be a baller and be a cry-baby. I mean, when you're wrong, you're wrong. But if you're wrong and you keep whining, I'm going to put you in a cement suit."
"The only thing I love more than money is a good revenge. And a good cannoli - I really love cannoli."
"I don't need a therapist, I just need a good cigar and a fixin' to keep my mind off things."
"There’s no problem too big that it can’t be fixed with a smile - or a baseball bat."
"You want a quote? Life's like a pizza, even when it's bad it's still pretty good."
"Why would I ever trust a guy who doesn't like spaghetti? That just doesn't add up."
"Listen, I’m not saying I’m the best, but if they made a movie about me, it’d have to be a comedy."
"In my line of work, you realize that you have to laugh at the absurdity of it all. Otherwise, you’ll end up in a puddle of tears."
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"I got a million jokes, but first let’s talk about the million dollars I’m about to make."
"They say money can't buy happiness, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a frown?"
"A wise guy once told me that every problem can be solved if you just put a little pressure on it."
"If I don’t have a gun in my hand, I need a good punchline to get the crowd going."
"You think I’m joking, but I once knew a guy who tried to steal my lunch. Got a traffic cone instead – don’t ask."
"I tell you what: if every crook had a sense of humor, we’d all be out of this business."
"My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch."
"People say I have a mobster look about me. Really, it's just my poker face."
"I treat my friends like family and my enemies like... well, they don’t really make it to dinner."
"I won’t say I'm a jokester, but if you’re feeling down, I’ve got a great line about a horse."
"Life’s a game, and I’ve got the cards stacked in my favor - a full house and a side of meatballs!"
"They say crime doesn’t pay, but have you seen the interest rates lately?"
"You can't spell chaos without 'ha' - that’s how you know life is one big laugh."
"You gotta get your laughs where you can; after all, it’s all in the delivery."
"I don’t mind a good joke, but if you make me the punchline, we’re gonna have a problem."
"I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse."
"Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer."
"You know what they say: ‘All the world’s a stage,’ and nobody’s paying attention to the cue cards."
"I don’t want to hear any of that ‘I’m sorry’ stuff. You really shouldn’t have taken my mobster anthology!"
"Serious, I’m not a bad guy! I’m just the guy who happens to be bad!"
"Sometimes, you gotta be a little bit of a villain to get things done."
"You don’t need a reason to be a mobster; it’s all in the family."
"If you want to be successful in this business, you gotta leave your moral compass behind."
"Life is never about what you've done wrong, it's about which mistakes you can spin to your advantage!"
"A wise guy knows when to laugh. And when to throw a punch."
"Never tell anyone you’re a mobster. It’s bad for business."
"The downside of being a mobster? Finding the right tuxedo for the funeral."
"You can’t have a happy ending without a little chaos."
"Getting whacked is overrated; it’s the planning that counts."
"I did my family a favor; I just wish they'd give me a proper send-off!"
"In the end, it’s all about loyalty. And pastry."
"Life’s a game of poker, and I always have a full deck."
"They say crime doesn’t pay; I say it just redefines your tax bracket."
"You can dodge bullets, but you can’t outrun a hitman on a motorbike!"
"When life gives you lemons, make lemon meringue pie. And throw it in someone’s face."
"Every day’s a new opportunity to ‘persuade’ someone."
"Why do they call it crime? It’s simply taking the fast lane."
"I don’t always make mistakes; sometimes I cook up a scheme."
"They say I’m a bad influence; I simply say when you dine with the mob, expect surprises."
"The jokes I tell may be a little dark, but so is my web of intrigue!"
"You never forget your first mob tie. It’s like an unbreakable bond!"
"What’s the matter with you? You can’t just take a slice of my pizza without asking. It's against the mob code!"
"I don’t need a therapist, I’ve got a mobster who listens."
"Behind every successful mobster is a substantial amount of never getting caught."
"I made my best moves on the sidewalk. Nobody notices you when you're walking in the shadows."
"Life’s a gamble. If you lose, just change the rules."
"I’m not superstitious, but if I see one more black cat, I’m calling my lawyer."
"You know what they say: If you can’t handle the heat, stay out of the gelato shop."
"You spill my drink, I’ll spill your secrets."
"It’s all in the family—until it comes to splitting the pizza."
"Never trust a man who doesn’t love spaghetti. It’s a warning sign."
"The only thing worse than a rat is a rat with a vendetta."
"Take the cannoli, leave the gun, all right?"
"Being a mobster isn’t just a job; it’s an attitude. And attitude comes with style."
"When the going gets tough, the tough get going... for a nice dinner."
"If you want a friend, get a dog; if you want loyalty, get a mobster."
"Some say money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a lot of cookies. That’s close enough."
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
"A wise guy once told me, don’t be so wise!"
"Never have a battle of wits with someone who isn’t armed."
"Forget about it—that’s my favorite word!"
"The best deals are made under the table, preferably over a plate of pasta."
"To be successful, you need three things: a fast car, a good lawyer, and an exit plan."
"You call it crime; I call it entrepreneurship."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it—especially if it’s topped with marinara."
"The only running I do is to the refrigerator."
"To the world, you may be one person, but to one person, you may be the world’s best mobster!"
"I'm not a monster. I'm just a guy who's good at what he does."
"I don't want to be a product of my environment. I want my environment to be a product of me."
"Every day is a gift. It's just, the gift is often wrapped in an ugly package."
"You know what they say: ‘Life's like a box of chocolates.’ Except in my case, it's full of bullets."
"The first rule of Italian cleaning: Remove the organ shut the fu** up!"
"I like to refer to myself as a 'sedentary mobster.' It means I don’t need to actually move around while being bad."
"You know what they say: you can't always get what you want... unless you're really good at negotiation."
"I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse, but I’ll throw in some gelato as a sweetener."
"In the mob, we believe in second chances. That’s why we always keep a backup plan… and a backup body."
"You can’t learn to be a mobster from a book. Unless it’s a cookbook – those are pretty helpful!"
"Better to be feared than loved, but a little laughter never hurt anybody."
"I’m like a mobster's heart – more soft than hard when you get to know me."
"Life is hard, but I find that you get through it better if you have a good sense of humor… and a little muscle."
"If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that crime doesn’t pay… unless you do it right and can laugh about it."
"Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive. Just like being in the mob."
"I was a gangster for so long, even my therapist's name is Vinny."
"If you have your health, you have everything. And if you have a mob, it’s even better."
"In my early days, laughter was the best medicine, until they started giving out prescriptions – now I stick to laughter."
"They say money talks, but mine just laughs at me."
"A wise guy knows the balance between humor and danger; that’s why I carry a joke and a gun."
"Sure, I was a mobster. But they don’t tell you about the endless jokes that go with the territory!"
"You can get farther with a smile and a gun than with just a smile. Trust me; I tried."
"There's something funny about a mobster who can’t keep a straight face. But then again, look who’s talking!"
"Laughter is the shortest distance between two gangsters."
"I always carry a spare joke in case I need to lighten up the mood – you never know when a gig might go bad!"
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