128 result(s) for Funny Quotes About Jail.
"I was in jail for three days. I told them I was a writer, and they put me in solitary confinement for my own safety."
"Prison is the only place where a person is actually encouraged to give up on life and have no hope."
"I spent half my money on gambling, the other half I just wasted."
"The worst thing about prison was the Dementors."
"I thought I would try and get the applause of the audience at the local jail. I thought they might be my captive audience."
"I’m not saying I would rob a bank. I’m just saying that if I did, I’d get caught."
"I hope I do get arrested. My career could use a little publicity."
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"You know you’re in trouble when half the people in the room are wearing jumpsuits."
"In prison, you get a lot of time to think about everything you’ve done wrong… and to prepare your acceptance speech."
"I’ve learned that if you don’t jail your hopes, you’re going to end up locked up for life."
"Prison is just a fashionable way to be grounded."
"Jail time is like summer camp for adults—except the counselors are really mean."
"The only thing I learned in prison is that they don’t like it when you ask for extra butter on your popcorn."
"I spent a month in jail for stealing a calendar. I got 12 months."
"The irony of jail is that it’s supposed to be punishment, but everyone ends up having a story to tell."
"I'm not saying I'm the best person in jail, but I did win the 'biggest dreamer' award."
"If you ever get sent to jail, make sure you have great friends on the outside. They can help you plan the best escape."
"Prison? I prefer to call it an extended vacation away from my responsibilities."
"You know you’re in deep trouble when your cellmate starts offering you career advice."
"I learned more about life in jail than I ever did in school—mainly that I should avoid jail at all costs."
"They say do the crime, do the time. I say do the diet, do the shine!"
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"Being in jail is like being on a never-ending group project with a bunch of people you can’t stand."
"Remember, the hardest part of prison is making sure you get the last word in before they slam the door."
"If you think about it, jail is just one big reality show without the cameras."
"I’d haunt my cell if I didn't get released. Ghosting in jail would be the ultimate escape."
"The only sentence you should be serving is a life sentence of laughter, not jail time."
"I don't want to be in a place where I have a number, not a name."
"Prison is the worst experience I ever had. I would never want to go back to it. But the worst part was the food."
"I'm not a crook."
"Life is a prison if you can’t get out of it."
"I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted."
"I have never seen a man who is a true genius but who is not also a little mad."
"Prison is where you spend a lot of time thinking about what you did... and laughing at how stupid it was."
"Never underestimate the power of a small, stupid act."
"The first night in jail is hard. You wake up in the morning and wonder, 'Where am I?' and then it hits you: 'Oh yeah, I'm in prison because I’m an idiot.'"
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"I’ve been to jail for drinking too much, but I’ve never met a guy who was sent to jail for drinking too little."
"You know you are in trouble when the judge asks if you have any last words, and all you can think of is something stupid."
"Some people can’t handle the truth. They belong in jail for being too dense."
"I was guilty of being a terrible person. I spent a lot of time in jail — for a long time — and now I’m just a terrible person with a criminal record."
"There are no excuses for getting locked up. Only stupidity."
"In jail, you can’t go to Starbucks and order coffee. You know you’re trapped when you’re craving a pumpkin spice latte on a Tuesday."
"You can’t judge a person by the crime they committed, but by how they tell the story of how they got caught."
"A day in jail can last a lifetime if you don’t find the humor in your situation."
"The only thing worse than prison food is no food at all."
"You know you're in jail when the person handing you your breakfast asks if you want a side of humility."
"Being in jail is like being in a really stupid reality show that you can’t escape from."
"I had my heart set on a new life — I just didn’t realize it involved bars."
"Prison is like a bad hotel. You can’t pick the room, you can’t leave, and there are way too many creepy characters."
"If laughter is the best medicine, then I guess jail is a great place to get a dose of cheap entertainment."
"You think you've hit rock bottom, then you find out it’s a basement."
"I'm not saying I’m going to jail, but if I do, I’m going to take my toothbrush and my favorite soap with me."
"The worst part about being in jail is that you can't go anywhere, especially to the bathroom."
"I went to jail for a crime I didn’t commit. I didn’t even get a parking ticket."
"I’ll never forget my time in jail; I lost my freedom and found a good cellmate."
"I told the judge I wasn’t a criminal, just a misunderstood philanthropist. He sent me to jail."
"Prison is just a place where you can’t even get a good cup of coffee."
"If you’re going to do the time, make sure to try the food. Jail cuisine has its own funky charm."
"I never thought I’d miss the outside world until I realized I couldn’t binge-watch my favorite shows in jail."
"Jail is where you learn that being on house arrest is not that bad."
"I always thought jail would be more fun, like summer camp for adults."
"Going to jail is like going to a really bad hotel; you can’t check out until you finish your stay."
"You know you’re in trouble when your cellmate gives you his ‘best behavior’ tips."
"Jail is a lot like working from home, except you can't leave your desk."
"If you don’t like it, just remember that jail time counts as a really long vacation from reality."
"They say laughter is the best medicine, but I don’t think it works in jail."
"I thought jail would make me a hardened criminal, but it turned out I just became a hardened couch potato."
"The only thing worse than being in jail is being in jail with someone who snores."
"My plans this weekend? Oh, just breaking out of jail… but only in my imagination."
"Jail is just a reminder that even in confinement, there’s always a chance for a sitcom episode."
"If you think about it, we’re all just one bad decision away from being the life of the jail party!"
"Jail isn’t hell, but the food comes pretty close!"
"I thought I was tough until I found out how hard it is to get a decent cup of coffee behind bars."
"Prison: where the Wi-Fi is non-existent but the friendships are forged in iron."
"If you’re in for long, be sure to bring a good book, or better yet, a great sense of humor."
"Visiting hours in jail are just like the DMV: you need patience and a solid strategy."
"You know you're crafty when you find ways to have fun in a place designed to do the opposite!"
"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
"I went to jail because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. And then they moved me."
"I spent 90% of my money on women and drinks. The rest, I wasted."
"You know you're in trouble when you have to sit on the floor to get a drink from the fridge."
"Jail is the place where the only thing that's free is your time."
"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine. He gets better with age. The next evening, she locked me in the cellar."
"I'm not saying I am a bad driver, but I'm pretty sure I've been pulled over in prison zones."
"I had my coffee and I went to jail. I had another cup of coffee and I came right back out."
"I went to prison for a crime I didn't commit. I was so upset I had to do time for that free t-shirt."
"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."
"In jail, you can get suspicious about who is really doing the time."
"Prison is where I learned how to break out — of boredom."
"I went to jail for stealing a can of soda, but they gave me a free trial instead."
"Some people think that it’s better to be out of jail than in, but nobody ever says which is really more free."
"The best part of going to jail? The great stories I get to tell when I get out."
"They say crime doesn't pay, but I think it must be a pretty good gig waiting for someone to break out."
"The food in prison is terrible. You can taste the convicts in every bite."
"I know what prison food is like—I was once in a long-distance relationship with a felon."
"Crime might not pay, but it sure makes for a good story!"
"Being locked up in prison is like being stuck in a really bad marriage…you just want to escape!"
"I've spent so much time in jail that I finally got a library card."
"I told the court I had a guilt complex, so they sentenced me to life among prisoners."
"If I had a dollar for every crime I committed, I would still be broke in jail."
"In prison, every day is a new chance to get it right—unless you keep getting caught!"
"Prison is an excellent place for riddles; you never know how to get out."
"I'm not saying I'm going to jail, but if I do, they'll probably use my face for the 'before' picture."
"It’s not like I’m going to prison for anything serious. It’s more like I’m going to jail for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Plus, the food is probably better than my cooking."
"I don't want to go to jail. I want to be a lawyer so I can get everyone else out."
"Being in jail is a bit like being at a very boring party. Everyone's sitting around waiting for someone to leave."
"I was in jail for a while. I learned that the hardest part about being incarcerated is that you can't let your parents know you got kicked out of your own house."
"The only thing worse than going to jail is having to explain to your mom why you're there."
"I told my kids I wasn't going to jail for them. I would take care of that on my own."
"The judge said I could be anything I wanted to be, so I decided to become a bookworm in jail."
"Jail is just a place where you can reflect on your life and plan your next move. If you can't laugh about it, what's the point?"
"I used to think that going to jail was the worst thing that could happen, but then I realized it’s just my free time with a roof."
"In jail, time isn't money—it's just time. And trust me, you can’t buy a sense of humor."
"Prison is a place where the only exercise you get is running from the truth."
"I asked the guard if there was Wi-Fi in jail, and he said there was but I’d be in solitary confinement if I used it."
"Going to jail is just a good excuse for not checking my email for a while."
"The best part about jail is the three hots and a cot."
"I wanted to break free from society, and jail was the only place I could find that allowed me to wear stripes comfortably."
"I thought I would hate jail, but you know what? The quiet time is so nice."
"In jail, I learned that the art of negotiation is really just a discussion of who gets to keep the remote."
"Looking back, jail was probably the most relaxing I’ve ever been. Who knew?"
"Jail is just a really long vacation where you can’t leave but you get a lot of time to think."
"Behind bars, the only real crime is not being able to find a good book."
"Going to jail is a form of punishment, but if you bring a good book, it feels more like a retreat."
"If you ever have to go to jail, just remember: the most popular cell is the one with the best view!"
"I asked a prisoner what it was like to be behind bars. He said, 'It’s like being part of an exclusive club.'"
"Jail taught me one thing: if you can find laughter in the hard times, you can survive anywhere."
"I didn't think I'd have to serve my time just for trying to make a funny meme!"
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