103 result(s) for Funniest Quotes Of All Time.
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth. She told me the psychiatrist was seeing someone else."
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."
"I think my favorite book is 'The Bible.' The cover is great, and it has a really good table of contents."
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
"I have to make a choice between a life of boredom and a life of depravity. I think I’ll choose depravity."
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"If I knew I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself."
"My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait."
"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."
"I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."
"I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."
"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on."
"I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."
"I’m fat because I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired."
"I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone."
"I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see I should have been more specific."
"I'm on the patch of ground that I've been given, and that's all I need to be happy."
"I am an early bird and a night owl. So I’m wise and I have worms."
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"Just remember, you can do anything you set your mind to, but it takes an awful lot of hard work."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I don’t need to drink coffee; I can get excited about how my sock drawer’s organized."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"There are no mistakes, only happy accidents."
"If we aren’t supposed to eat midnight snacks, why is there even a light in the fridge?"
"The only time I feel like a grown-up is when I’m on the toilet."
"My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I went to the airport to kill time."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I finally found a diet that works. It’s called ‘the bad attitude diet’."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"I hate when I think I'm buying organic vegetables, but when I get home I discover they're just regular donuts."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
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"I’ve learned that if you start off by promising people a fun time, they’ll be less likely to expect you to make sense."
"I can't tell you how many times I've heard 'you sound just like my mother' in therapy."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"Always borrow money from a pessimist. They won't expect it back."
"There are two kinds of people in this world: people who like chocolate and monsters."
"I have a clean house. I just don’t always have a clean house."
"I am not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality."
"I’m not insulting you; I’m describing you."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I don’t need a hairdresser. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"If I had a dollar for every time I had a dollar, I’d be broke."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed her. Now we wait."
"I think my neighbor is stalking me. She’s googling my name on her computer."
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me vacation ads."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I have a stepladder. My dad didn’t want a real ladder."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"I can resist everything except temptation."
"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone."
"My therapist said that time heals all wounds, so I’m off to buy a new watch."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"The only thing worse than a bad joke is a good joke that no one laughs at."
"If I had a dollar for every time I had a dollar, I’d be rich."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach photos."
"Just because you’re not sick doesn’t mean you’re healthy."
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it."
"I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it."
"I wish I could be as thin as my bank account."
"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I get enough exercise just pushing my luck."
"An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough."
"I am not arguing with you, I am telling you why you are wrong."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"The only thing I like better than talking about myself is talking about myself."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
"I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches."
"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception."
"Don't worry if plan A doesn’t work, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children."
"My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed my clock."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
"I finally found a diet that works. I just need to put the ice cream down."
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing."
"It's hard to be a diamond in a rhinestone world."
"The first rule of holes: if you find yourself in one, stop digging."
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